Backlog of thoughts from forever. Life and God and dystopia literary thought train smashing through.

I think humans are incapable of fairness. There are just too many roles, too many hats a single individual has to put on to be able to see the whole picture fairly and act/react in “fairness”, of which is elusive because being fair and loyal to one role renegades on the duties of another role. But it’s still you, a single entity, underneath so many hats. Which hat do you choose? Which hat fits best, or better? Can you take one off for 5 minutes to make another fit better for a while? Can you pick it back up once you lay it down? If you wear one hat for too long, does it become part of you rather than a label you can put on and off?

I was just leafing through a graphic novel of Anne Frank’s diary (never made it through the book book itself whoops) and it was mind-blowing how this young adolescent girl trying to survive a war has such complex thoughts about her identity and her relationships in her day-to-day life, thoughts that any child growing up would struggle with in this day and age, except that she has to confine it to the pages of her diary.

(Not much has changed there I guess.)

Just reading about her and how she feels about her mother/how she should feel about her mother as a mother and as a person and as a daughter. Because mother isn’t perfect and neither is she. And there will never be a measure of fairness where so much imperfection is concerned.

What is fair for me to do now? What if what is fair to me wounds you? And what if what is fair to you wounds me? How will I know what is fair to do if I’m involved? And if I don’t know what is fair, then what measure is left for me chart my next course of action?


What you know and experience of God, the same God, my God, is so so different from mine.

It does make me wonder. It does.

It makes me wonder and marvel at how vast and completely huge God must be, to be able to meet the deepest, most nuanced, most unique needs and flaws and characters of every single person who has ever lived. And Him meeting someone else’s need may look different to how He meets my need. Same God, same unchanging love and wisdom, different methods of loving so many people (who are also different in their problems but fundamentally broken in the same way inside).

But also.

How much of You have I made up? How many rules and assumptions of You have I projected for myself? Which bits are really really You, non-negotiably You? Which bits are of my own making? How much, really, do I know You?



Just strolling through Kino and looking at the variety of books and feeling that not one of them is new. They are trying to be, they really are, with notions of the dystopian everywhere, trying to be original, putting forth the idea of a new and worse off normalcy from our current point of “heavenly” utopia (that’s the idea, isn’t it? That our reality is a utopia to the smaller, narrower, fictional dystopia).

But all these texts react to the same reality, the same utopia, and flow from the same stream. They are all part of the same dystopia that they cannot see past or break out of to create something new. Cues Susan Glaspell’s The Verge. 

Is this reality and this world just a mish mash of humanistic, feel-good, sound-wise typo sayings? Is this the dystopia of our reality? As if all these maxims would guarantee us something if we live by them religiously. The dystopia of the self-made man. How tiring. Man is so limited by nature.


I seem to have reached a wall. I thought there were more than this. Oh yes.


I think I have to start looking forward. I can’t keep looking back at mountain tops, at who I used to be, and how things were great. That is past. That was good and there was a time and place for it but there is also a time and place for me here, now. And it’s ok.

I just kind of wish I knew what was up, where up was, so that I could struggle for it.

If I knew, would I really struggle for it though? hmm.


may be continued we shall see



mirror mirror

I think the one sore spot I have in the multitude of benefits I experience when I hang around an absolutely kindred, strong, godly, excellent person is how I am not like this person in so. many. AREAS.

Is it conviction? That I find myself looking at myself through someone else’s eyes, someone who is so much more than me, and seeing how short I fall. Seeing how much more I have to go. Suddenly catching shortfalls that I’d never noticed before.

I think what I really don’t like is having something slip, some littlest quirk that just happens in the spur of the moment that shows so much of the broken, ugly work-in-progress person inside. And being double conscious ie looking at it through said person’s eyes and constructing that image of me.

And it’s so strange because I never saw those things. It’s only hanging around someone more than you, someone who has a certain expectations of you and acts that way, that you notice how you don’t meet those expectations. Which might surprise/shock/disappoint said person. Which sucks.

Is that why God is someone so worthy of admiration and yet so frightening to the sinner? God, who is so perfect and good and loving and who is such goals, that you can’t help being drawn to Him, wanting to know Him, wanting to become like Christ, just because you’re in His presence and it’s so good, like a really edifying friendship. But also being frightened to be in His presence because He is so perfect and you’re just suddenly aware of how trash you are and how far you are from Him who is so holy. Just being in that pure light when you’re still lacking and sinful. Is that why Adam and Eve hid when their eyes were opened after eating that forbidden fruit?

I get that I’m a work-in-progress, and that means time, and experience, and the small everyday choices which culminate into a big character trait thing. I think I’ve been in this place too many times to count. But it’s only lately that I’ve been reminded that maybe I’ve been looking at the wrong thing, which only contributes to spiralling downward.

There’s no use looking at myself and only looking at myself. My flesh is weak, there’s no two-ways getting around that. There’s only so much I can do. There’s little use in looking at other people and then back at myself and being depressed about it. I gotta go directly to the one who changes the heart, the character, from the inside out. And I gotta look at myself through God’s eyes. Not that I’m simply a sinner but a sinner saved by grace and is trying by grace.

Just that looking up is less easy and more counterintuitive than it sounds dlkjnadlkjdnc

Yay I got some HTHT w gramps cos the adults were doing their own thing and I got some one-on-one time w him. Speaking Chinese in front of ppl just makes me self conscious. And hearing myself speaking it out loud is just cringe. I had so many imaginary convos, thinking to myself “yea so I’m gonna say this and this” but then I actually have to steel myself into saying them. So weird whatevs. God will interpret where necessary haha. And also amplify my volume cos gramps’ a lil deaf. Just gonna put it down here before I forget.

I thanked him. I couldn’t thank him for any specific thing but I thanked him.

I just told gramps I’ll miss his white wine chicken cos even tho he taught the helper how to make it, he still does it better. I’ve been meaning to tell him this. So yay.

I told him not to worry about us and that bro and I will keep granny company and take care of the fam.

I told him bro and I were gonna help him sell the rest of his wallets (he used to sell wallets and he still has a load of stock at home), probably on Carousell, cos uncle said he would have liked that.

I asked him if he still hurt or was in pain, and I just told him to follow Jesus, like in any emergency or anything where it gets dark or lonely when he passes from here, to just call Jesus. Cos He’s good and He’ll bring him to a good place.

And I said we will meet again soon in Heaven so yay to that too. And I just prayed (in English of course) that God be w him and God be w us. And I sang him like one verse of Be Thou My Vision because I didn’t think I’d make it through Amazing Grace.

Imma gonna miss him. Gramps is such a cute old person, v humble and unassuming and doesn’t like to impose on other people. He is the only one in the fam with green fingers. He was so strong and he was always so healthy. He had no problems walking. He could even drive although he was so old. He wasn’t frail. He was good with his hands; the man could literally fix anything. Lights, fridges, spectacles, zippers, handbags, necklaces. Cool dude. When I was little and he still ran the wallet company, he let me sit in his office on the spinning chair with the wheels, the aircon on and the type writer in front of me and I’d waste so much paper because I’d want to type but have nothing to type about. And he would have to teach me how to erase things on the typewriter cos that was tricky and my fingers would always get inky and something would always be stuck haha. Good times. He was always old to me. And very nice and polite, like a friendly giant. Is that strange to say of a gramps haha

Waiting for the end of tonight and the start of some new dawn


Grandpa is dying on such a beautiful day.

On hindsight, it was quite sudden, his deterioration so quick. Gramps had been admitted to hospital for a whole host of problems, none of which ended up being the trigger to his turn for the worst. He had been admitted for a mild stroke, which he had recovered and showed no signs of long-term effect, came down with a bout of infection while he was in hospital, and complained of a back pain. He was discharged for a while, keeping to a drip dose of antibiotics for his infection. Then he pulled out his drip and had to be re-admitted for a day to put it back. I waited with grandma 3 hours for a ward for gramps. We bonded. He was back home the next day, only, ever since he returned from the hospital, he hadn’t been sleeping well. He kept groaning, sleep talking, grinding his teeth. He always sounded like he was in pain and we couldn’t make out what he was saying. Mum says he could have been traumatised and disoriented from the hospital stay. He kept grandma up all night; she’s a light sleeper. He would groan in the day too, as if he hurt, but when we asked him where the pain was or why he yelled, he couldn’t tell us where it hurt, he didn’t know he had yelled. His back pain got worse. Back to the hospital. He has a spine infection. His bone was infected. Something sat on his nerve. Operation wasn’t a guaranteed success. Not that we really wanted to, he was too old. He would have to live with it. Pain was better than possible death in the operating theatre. But he was in pain. He was always in pain now. After dinner, he took a nap. After the nap, he choked and he couldn’t stop. They tried to suck out whatever was choking him. They only got a bit out. His heart stopped. They did CPR and got it back up after 20 mins. He was moved to the ICU. His heart stopped for 5 mins a couple of hours later. And his left lung collapsed early the next morning. In the afternoon, he was showing signs of brain death, or brain dying. He was having spasms. The brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen. The scan showed that the brain damage wasn’t as extensive, but gramps still wasn’t waking up. They took him off the sedatives, off the heart medicine. His heart was beating for itself. We were hopeful. They put him on dialysis, hoping the lowering of his toxins would help him wake up.

He hasn’t woken up.

It was so quick, how he had been warded and treated to help him get better, to him being warded with nothing to be done.

He’s old. He’s not going to make it.

We’ve been popping in and out of the hospital, visiting everyday, consulting doctors, receiving relatives, mostly grandma’s siblings for whom grandpa had been something of an older brother to them. It was like Chinese New Year family reunion came early in a very warped way.


Days have turned to just stretches of hours, never ending hour after hour. It’s just dread, and I want it to end, except that the end of this would mean gramps’ passing. Longest week ever.

It’s tiring. It’s a mental roller coaster. Some days gramps seems to be responding, some days he deteriorates. I don’t dare to be hopeful when good news comes. But even a drop of water in a desert land will make you crave for a well, a river. You just want that hope. Although there is nothing to hope for. He’s old. It’s gonna happen. Even if not now, in this episode, some time in the near future. And I’m not sure I want to go through this again. It’s selfish of me, maybe.

I realise that knowing what is to come and being mentally prepared doesn’t mean I won’t feel grief and I won’t feel sad. I have and I will be. All part of life.

I can’t imagine having to experience everyone else around me dying someday. I feel like there should be a limit to how much death someone experiences. Maybe I’ll be so used to it it won’t hurt so much.

Death is getting an added dimension in my head. I’ve only ever experienced two deaths of “distant” relatives and each death is becoming increasingly closer to my little world. Gramps would be the first one to make a mark, I think.

Death is getting an added dimension in my life. All this time, it had only been literary, a concept. I know what it is, I know it will come. Everyone poeticises it. The dead become committed to poetic memory and the real person who has died becomes the shadow. Now, death is a thing, the expiration of a physical body, by which the soul cannot be anchored to this world anymore. Death becoming more defined means life weighs more too. Everything is deeper.

When it started to sink in, this loss that is to come, I cried to God and I think back on the episodes of death in the Bible, what it meant at the moment, in that point in time. Death gets thrown around a lot, so easily and so lightly. Jesus died for you. What does that mean anymore? Death being treated lightly means his victory over death has lost some of its meaning too.

At first, I thought “Jesus, you wouldn’t know what it feels like” because he’d died at thirty-three, before even the death of his parents, I think. But I remember Lazarus, one of Jesus’ friends who had died, and how the shortest verse in the Bible was Jesus’ sorrow. Jesus wept. Jesus wept for Lazarus. He wept with Lazarus’ sisters and shared in their grief. Even though he would raise Lazarus 5 minutes later. Jesus sharing in their grief was so intentional. He meant to experience that, the pain of death of a loved one, although he had the power and would resurrect Lazarus.

I confess to treating the resurrection lightly too. When death isn’t hovering about, resurrection doesn’t either. And now, even though I know gramps is going with God to Heaven, even though I know that and how good that is, death still seems so absolute and final and big and scary. Death still seems so awful. I think this is the suspension of the “what is done” and the “what is to come”. Resurrection has been granted; it was finished at the cross. But the earth still isn’t what it was meant to be, not until Christ comes again. And all the time between that, is now. So even though I know I’ll meet gramps in Heaven someday again, with God, with him in a healthy new body, it still hurts now.

Looking into that future is the only thing that comforts me now, and it’s something to look forward too and hope for. Hope isn’t really an empty wishing of something to happen anymore. Hope is more like the anticipation of something I know is going to happen. That’s why I can’t hope in gramps’ recovery. Him staying alive is no longer something I know. His death is what I know, his going home to be with God is what I know.

I look at the adults, my folks, uncle, grandaunts and granduncles, and realise that everyone is dying everyday. Everyone is getting old everyday. And how temporal this physical life is. Literally shedding, moulting, like sand, as time passes. What will be left then? Their souls, not their bodies, so fallible, so physical. It is the soul.

Jam came across this verse which articulated it so well:

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Cor 4:16-18

Really reminded of how we are just travellers, and how this earth is not our home.

Death, even though we know it’s coming with every birth, even though we know it as a certainty, still looms in come way or another, the sadness of a very long separation from a love one with no way of getting around it still shakes us up. Because I really believe, somewhere deep inside of us, we were meant for some kind of eternity. That’s why death still seems so wrong and broken and not meant to be. That someone should just cease to be because his body wears out. That’s wrong, somehow, in my head anyway. If nothing is eternal, nothing means anything.

11 He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart

Ecc 3:11a

So I’ve been working on Harry Potter for thesis, and this quote comes to mind too

“Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn’t damage your soul at all.”

Hermione, explaining the difference between a Horcrux, which depends on it’s enchanted physical container for the survival of the soul fragment, to a human being (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

And that’s just it with death. The soul would still be intact. The soul is what matters at the end of our physical stay, our impending deaths.

Death is scary because it wasn’t meant to be, but thank goodness we don’t have to stay dead.

Pastors have come round to pray, some for miraculous healing, some for a painless passing on, but everyone committing it to God’s good will. His will be done.

Bro and I went to visit today, first day of Chinese New Year, and we prayed for him. We couldn’t do it in Chinese though. We are as close to gramps as far as our language barrier lets us lelel. We were also just so amazed at how finely tuned the body is. Gramps is hooked up to several machines now, to help him breathe and to give him food and so on. All these big complicated machines running his body, doing what a healthy body can do for itself, with all its organs packed neatly and doing their jobs. Idk how anyone can think there was no designer to this designed body. The machines and technology are so advanced enough to extend gramps’ life by running his physical body, but they can’t do more than that either. Life, is really a gift from God. Amazed. Throughout all this chaos, watching how all the doctors are doing their best to keep gramps running, I can’t help feeling amazed at this anyways.

One thing I do like about the whole thing is how people come together, rally together. How family members come round, take time off to spend with my granny, bringing food, sharing stories and jokes. Caring, y’know. Bro’s secondary friends actually came to visit gramps too. They brought paus and everything and asked after granny, keeping their prayers with us. People have been so kind and understanding. Jam has been a mint. She lets me update her on gramps’ fluctuating condition throughout the week in addition to her own life stresses. Cray.

Just needed to get all this out of the system. It may get worse when he does pass on. I half feel like pouring out my woes and half not writing at all so this will have to do for now. Donch really know how to function. If I try to be productive, I feel like I should be sad. Is that weird. And then when I’m actually sad, I can’t function. I don’t know what I should aim for in how I’m suppose to feel/think. Just not wanting to be too sad for now. And then be really sad later on for a while. And then start picking up the pieces to move along again. Is that a good plan



[Disclaimer the tone on this post is a bit different I think because they were actually reflections and QT thoughts for Jam but I was typing them here and. Tone got weird]

I think I’m slightly stressed. By things. Life. In general.

Then again when am I not. hwahahaha. haha.

Um um ok QT thoughts first. (That is the December advent devo which I’m doing with Jam wew https://document.desiringgod.org/good-news-of-great-joy-en.pdf?ts=1479878227)

So for advent devo (4 Dec), I sometimes don’t feel appropriately little enough. Like, I think it’s hard to remember the scale of things, how actually big God is and how actually small I am relative to that. And how we are just dust. Most of the time, my life revolves around me and I’m the biggest person in my universe. Which makes it hard for me to die to myself, and take up the cross and follow Jesus. If I’m that big in my universe and if I’m my own priority, then I’m just too full of myself to do what God wants me to do, to be chiseled by him and become more Christ-like. Eh perspective.

On the flip side, I can get to feeling the littleness that I actually am and collapse on myself at how scrummy I am and now the world is so big and out of my control and how I’m a literal nothinggg.

I guess humility is still the safer side of the balance. Because if you’re humble and you remember how big God is, then that’s a good place to be.

5 Dec just mostly how it’s not about what God could do but what he willed to do (with respect to how the God of the universe could have overlooked the inn bookings such that there was no room for baby Jesus to be born somewhere nice and comfy lol lol). Good reminder how what may seem like a detour to us with our own limited human understanding is part of God’s perfect time and plan. And that is super comforting because ehhh I foresee many detours in my soon-to-be adult life where I will have no idea what I’m doing half the time. Gonna be such a. Exponential faith growth right there. Ha ha. Ha.

Apart from advent, what’s been on my mind is prayer, more specifically, to pray intentionally for people. I’m committing to praying for more people more, in general, like, praying for some people everyday. Because. Hmm, I always say I want something for them from God/God to work in their lives etc etc but then I don’t commit them to prayer or I only commit once off. But we are supposed to pray unceasingly. So, at least for the whole of December, I’m praying intentionally and with expectancy for people, friends and fam. Because if I really believe in the power of the God I’m praying to then it would be stupid to not pray for mountains to be moved and blind eyes to openn. Also such a privilege to be able to present prayers and requests to God, to even be in his holy presence and intercede for people. It’s such a gift. Need to pray. More often than not, I’m blessed by praying as well because it at least helps me get the conversation flowing with God. Seriously if you’re on a dry prayer walk, pray for someone else.

Other small thoughts and concerns:

Managing my time well in the hols. I have so many creative projects that I want to embark on/continue and so many other more official tasks at hand that I’m slightly stressed. But what I’m more concerned about is jumping headlong into my creative writing projects that I compromise God and basically lose my centre. I go really deep into imagining things and “using/appropriating” people in my work so sometimes I can go off into a bit of an idol frenzy. Just basically worried that giving free rein to being creative might make me lose my centre. Meh.

Always second guessing myself as a friend, and my social interactions with people, and my ministry as cell leader and whether what I do is good/helpful/needed for the kids. Sometimes I feel phony about cell leading apart from the Bible stuff because it’s a weird overlap space of “friend/cell leader”. I mean, I thank God that they are such nice kids and that I genuinely like them and want to be their friend. But. I don’t know if they ever think that “oh she’s tryna be our friend cos it’s her job as a cell leader”. Which is half trueee I guess because if I weren’t their cell leader I wouldn’t make the effort/even know them. More double consciousness wew. Also, whatsapp conversations are weird to have with them. I’m always trying to think how to close the conversation appropriately/least awkwardly even though I was the one who started it as an attempt to. Be. Friendly. Cell. Leader. My social anxiety. Anxieties. Yea I also have friends/acquaintances who go the same way. I wanna be your friend and we are so nice to each other and all that but I always feel like I’m skimming on social ice because we still haven’t BARED OUR SOULS TO EACH OTHER SO THAT I CAN BE A GOOD FRIEND AND FEEL USEFUL AND FEEL LIKE I’M NOT A BURDEN FRIEND TO SUSTAIN WITH NICETIES. Burp. Not that it’s their fault but like. That’s my in-built mechanism. such an infp whateven.

Hmm ok anything else anything else. No I think I feel the most stress about the social thing. Nya. And just gonna be praying the whole December yay.

Did I mention that I’ve given a name to one of my recurring sins so that I can avoid it more easily in my head now that it is embodied somewhat. So there was a video going around about seeing depression as this dog that kind of followed you everywhere and stuff. I watched it, can’t really remember much about it, but somehow the idea got to me and so now I’ve embodied my sin into the idea of a bad dog called Hugo. Which helps me because I’ve defined all the stuff that defines/associates with Hugo as actual sin so I won’t be tempted to be like “no that’s ok it’s not realllly sin”. Yea no, the “not-really” sins are now tied together with the “yes-clearly-sin” and everything is just called Hugo so equal sin seriousness. No fudging. So when thoughts. Seep in. It’s just like “ok that’s Hugo go away Hugo”/or I’ll walk away from it. Living holy life 101: calling sin sin = know when to run away/what to run away from = safe.

Yea I just wanted to mention Hugo so I can refer to him if needed and also that he has been sniffing round the block for a bit last week when my QT got a bit dry/rocky even tho my QT life had been pretty solid before the dry spell. zzz Hugo wastes no time. But also I think that, ehh, with Christmas and all, the Hugos will be really trying their best to derail people. Because what would really suck in this holy season is to be entangled with some sort of Hugo and be robbed of all the Christmas joy/peace/love. Ya, so PSA. Spiritual warfare is a thing. Be awakee.

Maybe now I shall no longer be able to own black dogs because Hugo. I saw a video about how black animals seem to be discriminated against somehow. Is it because they’re all used in thought experiments like this whoops. I shall redeem myself by getting a black cat, if I get to get a cat at all then. Hmm.

Well, we’ve digressed.

all other ground is sinking sand

in one of those feeling empty places

still on the surface but rocky underneath

not rocky, uncomfortable


i don’t. even want to scribe it. because putting it into words means it exists. and i can’t even find the right ones.

it’s not that big a deal. nothing bad happened. it’s just one of those times in your lives where you happen to feel a bit like a nothing. in a what am i doing with my life way.

not even looking at it from a where do i go from here immediate future way which has been occupying a bit of my mind.

i don’t want to give it a name. or to say/write it.

just that. hmm. i wanna. be. more. like. more.

what’s important to be more of.

want a different life but wanting it from the outside so not sure if that’s what i want. and. don’t think i could pull that kind of life off anyways. hence the melancholia.

how do people do it.

how are they so balanced and mature and silly and sane all at once. why. am. i. not.

which also begs the question. why do i want to be. so badly. besides that it is good. but i doubt myself for wanting it simply because it is good.

is it double conscious i suspect it’s double conscious. ungh.

because i’m sure i’m making progress. and growing. just that. um. only i know, i guess. and God. maybe friends. but not the world. i think it bothers me that the world doesn’t notice. but i think i might die under the world caring because double consciousness. i think God may never let the world notice me because i’m too vain and i will forget Him. not strong enough for that. really admire the people who are, though.

i know. God knows. friends know. fam know. that should be enough. gotta find that. contentment. in the important things. from the important people.

ok this is good. sifting thoughts through layers. moving the still waters to get someplace. kind of liberating writing in bits and pieces. kind of stifling in not being able to write everything explicitly. not that i want to. i don’t think i want to. if i can unclog myself without, then it’s fine.

maybe i’m mourning for what i could have been, what i could never be. but also. hopeful. maybe what i could be. somehow somewhere.

these words kept looping in my head the past few weeks, not intentionally, just that i find myself arriving at the same words, the same sentiments when I open my mouth to pray and i can’t find the words except this sigh from the abyss of my heart:

oh God, all I have is you. and then. all I need is you. 

(lel always cringey to read thoughts to God like this with it being three/four times removed but oh wells it is what it is just being reals)

because life is too unpredictable. and i realise that i have literally zero control over my life. and i have nothing. i have nothing. i know nothing. not even myself. i only have God. i only know God.

and the follow up on that thought is, well, that should be enough for me. and it is enough for me, whether i know it or not.

getting rambly but amidst me in my general lostness which was exacerbated here, there was a good word today about calling, God’s calling and keeping my ears out for it. basically, if you wanna know what God’s calling you to do, you have to know who God is first, so that you can recognise His voice out of the world’s noise. and i felt that to be true in general period of lostness. just felt the tug to sit and pray for a bit some time this past week. still sitting and praying. pray ceaselessly.

also just watched a random video on the suggested list while writing this (much distracted I know) which. made me feel much better. it was so random, I’m so surprised it was suggested how did it get there. but felt like it was what I needed quite specifically. hmm. so cools.

ok feel so much better now. so good to get all that up and out here. thought about it, emoted about it, prayed/praying about it. time to put it out of my mind and think no more about it (fave Huck Finn reference I used this in year 1 and I love this). at least, until the next existential life crisis lelel which I hope will not strike soon in the near future. we will. see.

wonder if I’ll look back on this and be completely lost because I left things so vague. should i leave a clue for myself hmm hmm.

church things

don’t know what happened just now but. worship. at least for me. wasn’t part of it. kasjnlkcns.

need to jam later.

I just feel so bad and terribly sorry towards everybody for my lack lmao unghhh. but at least it’s bad feels stemming from a place that’s not double conscious (ie not from how other people think of me and therefore not about me wew big step there clap clap).

I don’t even feel bad as much as I feel apologetic. Which is good, I think. Cos at least. I feel like practicing and trying to get it all down and working it all out. Instead of just wallowing.

lmao I just feel sorry in advance for the people who will be in the band as I learn. on the job.

zzz I need to do so mucchhhh need so much help. help.

But but but despite crashing and burning throughout, I managed to look up and actually see the congregation this time and I saw people worshipping, like people actually ready and worshipping and responding. So yas, it was really just a reminder that if God wants to move and He wants to come and meet His people right, our lack can’t stop Him. He will just do his thing and be there and touch people. It’s really not about us. Never was, never is. So assuring that people got to worship despite me huehue.

of course that don’t mean i don’t level up lelel gonna werk it.

Also, on a happier note, one of my kids came back to cell today and cell was fun stuff. Before we split up into our cells, the host was like “leaders, please take some time to share with each other about life and get to know your cell moore” and then we prayed and I had this brainwave for the usual ice breaking routine thang.

We did like a “go around the cell to share how you are feeling today but you can’t repeat a feeling if someone else had said it” hahaha. And so naturally someone wanted to start first which was gr8 no awkward silence there wew.

On the whole, cell was feeling excited-tired(me haha I said this so that the kids couldn’t cos they’re like tired every week lmao)-happy-reluctant-discontented-amused-exhausted-(forgot oops)-amazed-on the edge-released. Haha. What a mixed bag. Synonyms unleash. It was a great sharing sesh. People were sharing about what was going on in their lives and everyone had something interesting to say and to engage with each otherr. Broke the ice completely and got everyone nice and comfy so. awesome stuff ptl.

That was God right there, seriously. Actually, God has been providing me with the icebreaking activities for cell for every single cell time such that I don’t have to stress about it (and socialising always stresses me so). Yea Imma just amazed how God can just give great ideas five minutes before cell time. Crayy. God you cray. love it.

Yea and then we had a chill time of playing some board game and snacking on cake and strawberries, peace offerings from another cell which came to crash. aye fun stuff.

Ok that was a satisfying/good conclusion to the church thangs, apart from the sermon (ironically haha which was about death in case you were wondering). Just learning about God and seeing Him irl in addition to the sermon. Always different every week. always busy, not always all good, but always much fruitful.