Hmm, what do you think of when it comes to love? People all want it in some way or another, from other people, from themselves even. People want to give it too, to lavish their attentions and affections on someone or something. It’s absolutely human.
What about all the songs we sing today, even those we sing 20 years back? Almost all of them revolve around love. People in love, out of love, passionate, mad, bitter, honest, cold, sweet. Every kind of love, every kind of idea of what it is. Some people think it’s an illusion, a waste of time. Others spend a lifetime trying to find it.
I have an idea of what it is. It will never be cast in stone, I suppose, but I do have a notion of what I’d deem as perfect love, at least to me.
I think love can be wonderful. It really could. But there are so many things that substitute for it and dilute honest affections.
Love could hurt. It could hurt a lot. It can break people. It can change people. Love, or the lack of it, is undoubtedly powerful.
On a personal level, I don’t actually know if I’m qualified, so to speak, in this area of life. I have experienced many things, or at least, many things enough for someone as little as I am, but I would never know for sure if I have ever been in love, or loved. Romantically, of course.
So while I have an idea of love and pursue it somewhat, I know that being who I am now, I might never achieve it.
Why not? Why won’t I say I’m in love? More accurately, why won’t I let myself love?
Simply put; because I can’t.
Because I’m not very grown-up. I can’t love responsibly. I can’t love purely.
Because I can’t tell if it’s a love worth pursuing or it’s just an ego boost for me.
Because I will get jealous.
Because I’m proud.
Because I don’t know who I am exactly yet.
Maybe, just maybe, I’m afraid of getting burned.
I can’t love someone else because I’m basically too full of myself. I love myself too much to ever love someone else properly. Tis the sad truth.
If a person who can’t love loves someone, people will get hurt, won’t they?
The truth is, if I’m actually at the point of stopping myself from loving, I have already loved. And because I have already loved, I know it will hurt you and that’s why I have to stop. It’s almost chicken-and-egg. Almost.
My idea of love is really just this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIXeyELme4E
That’s Simple Love sung by Orla Fallon. And while I’m absolutely smitten by such a simple love, or the idea of it, I don’t know if I will actually find it enough, this kind of a noble, honest, sweet love. I’m still such a kid. I’m not exactly capable of such and unselfish, mature love. I don’t think I actually know what love is anyways.
I like being a kid. Sometimes, I like playing this whole ‘love’s a game’ thing that grown-ups play, just to pretend I’m all there, to feel a bit of power, as if I were really an adult. But other times, I wish I could love purely and innocently. I’d wish that love wasn’t a game or a feeling but a proper relationship, a trust. Even then, I’m don’t think I can let go of myself, my ego, enough to go love someone healthily.
I’m a very happy single, for all my talk about love. For one thing, it’s a safe haven for me. It’s where I can be myself and just find my way around this world, to grow as much as is good for me without ever doubting myself.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll just wait for myself. It’s alright to not love out of love. I don’t really think it’s something anyone should be hard up about, getting a partner for the sake of fitting in or something. If you can live perfectly happily without it, then I think you’ll be ready for love when it comes along. If it’s something that you are just searching for every minute of the day, letting the lack of a special someone define your worth, then may I give a friendly suggestion that you wait yourself out too. 🙂 Of course, if you’re ready to love, to grow with someone, by all means, please start looking.
Love isn’t an end. It’s a journey and it won’t always be easy.
I’ll give it a few years.