I am so poor.
I’m going through a season in my life where I’m looking into a mirror, a mirror of my soul, and I see so many things I don’t like about myself. Not just the ‘I don’t like’ that it’s there, but flaws, things that shouldn’t be there, some things I didn’t even know were there. If there was a universal standard of a person, I would be on the ‘poor’ end of it.
Yes, I’m feeling like a poor person. Not monetarily but you get what I mean. I can be so mean, petty, insensitive and immature and I look back on myself and just go “Ugh! How could I have even!” literally out loud in my bedroom and promptly club myself with a pillow. And maybe it’s alright for one or two times but when you constantly see it, in different areas of your life, you do wonder how people stand you, and how you can even stand yourself.
Intellectually, spiritually, I know that in a way, it’s good to see your flaws, the failing human flesh. It reminds us to be humble and to lean on God’s strength and goodness because in my weakness He is glorified. He won’t be able to use proud people who think they’ve got it all together. He can only use the ones who are humble enough to accept His grace, the wretched ones who get the extent of what He paid for.
But the feeling of being so poor and so wretched, it’s…not nice. At all. It isn’t nice to see how weak I really am, how I can’t stop myself from doing things I don’t want to do and how I can’t do things I want to.
One thing I don’t like about it is how I see myself hurting people I love. Thankfully, my friends don’t hold anything against me and they’ve more or less forgotten things I may have said/done that may have offended them. But I remember, and when I have a moment of head-bashing with my pillow, I really wonder, “How is she still friends with me?” and I get super humbled, and feel so super blessed and feel so sorry and afraid that I may lose such lovely people in my life.
I have been very, very blessed by the loveliest people I could ever know in this life. I really am. And I feel like I haven’t exactly been appreciating them very much. It’s hard to just come out of the blue and say that I love them so very much, I really do appreciate them and I think they’re wonderful people and that they are so precious to me. And I want to, I want them to know. But I also don’t want them to look at me like a weirdo. I keep visualising that when I do tell them mushy things like that, it’ll be equivalent to those scenarios where you’ve only got 24 hours left to live. I’ll mean every word, not because I’ve only got 24 hours, but because that’s how I really feel. They support me and love me even though I can be such a poor person.
So this is just a little thank you, guys who are reading this. This little blog started out with the hopes of being a private one (except for Irene who had me start it with the very first post on our movie outing hoho) and even after I told the couple of you, I was a little uncomfortable having people who personally knew me read the insides and other sides of my brain. But you’ve all been so supportive of my writings and that means more to me than I show. Here’s a shout out to y’all and just for that element of mystery, you’ve all been renamed here (ahaha privacy issues. Pseudonyms are fun anyways!) so happy guessing!
Jam Jam Jam. If you’re reading this, thank you for always being here and there and everywhere. I always feel like I under-appreciate you. You’re an awesome friend. You know how to appreciate me such that I sometimes take it for granted. Like calling you up for last minute lunches and you actually make time to come down to eat with me. I’m so blessed by you girlie. I pretty much poured out everything on our Day 4 post with all this in mind. So thank you thank you thank you. ❤
SAM SNOW SHOUT OUT FOR YOU YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE HAHA! You are so precious to me. Really really. I really meant what I said about how your virtual hugs make me feel better haha. And I thank you so much for reading this blog so loyally and talking to me about it. You make it so easy to talk about stuff so deep inside of me by just reading my mind rants so that I don’t have to actually say it out loud haha. So awkward at expressing myself in articulated speech. You’re so updated with my mind! Your support for me writing here is really really so heart warming. A million thank yous. I love how you pray for me too, same with Jammy, and how God is always somewhere in the midst of our convos no matter what we talk about. I love how we can talk silly and serious. AND EVERYBODY, SAM WAS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THOSE GORGEOUS CHARMS IN MY WORDPRESS PICTURE 😀 You’ve always been so patient and lovely to me and all I can say is a written out thank you here when you’ve blessed me with Chemistry tuition, cheesecakes, jewellery, late-night hall snacks, hall wifi and my Critical Writing textbook (yes, if it weren’t for you and your Carousell app, I probably wouldn’t have found one so quickly). It feels so inadequate but I hope you know I do mean what I say here and I’ll love you better! (Yes, I was thinking back on our super long history and it made me go “How is she still friends with me??” HAHA) Thank you for sticking around, even when I feel all moody and tired. I’m so glad that we don’t have much major drama in our friendship of forever and I just realised how rare that is. Ha I let you choose your pseudonym here because you look like the way you’re named haha. I used to come up with pseudonyms by myself. Now you can help me, especially with friends we have in common. 😀 *Hugs hugs* Yes, and you can tell your roomie Ginger that her pretty letters are all also super appreciated. You have awesome calligraphy Ginger. I keep thinking it’s printed hahaha. TEACH ME, MASTER. And do stop calling me a poop HAHAHA.
I think the last person I told about this WordPress’ existence was Leo. Hey kiddo! I don’t know if you still read me but thanks for reading me when I first started out. You have some unusual words of wisdom occasionally and the verses you give encourage me when I’m a bit down and out. (Ha Grace boy) I don’t know how you managed to stand me because I look back on our convos and it’s mostly me ranting about my sad sad day. I don’t know how you take me being all depressed every time you ask after me. I know I’d get turned off if my friend was like that all the time. Haha so thanks for sticking by me too and sharing the load with me. I really appreciate that. I remembered that you called that one time when I was all stunned and conflicted and stuff. Didn’t expect that call and didn’t think I needed it but I definitely did. It was comforting to know someone went through the same thing. I probably knew there would be people stunned like I was but I didn’t think I’d know someone so close at hand. So thanks for that too. Anyways, you write great songs! I love the random songs that you send me. They do brighten up my day. It’s cool how you churn them out and I’m so honoured to get to hear them before anyone else. And I did enjoy chilling at the corridor while you played the oldies. STILL WAITING FOR YOUR OLDIES CONCERT PLEASE hint hint.
Those are just three lovely people that make me glad and thankful to be where I am now. I have so many more people to be thankful for (but as I haven’t come up with appropriate pseudonyms… Sam we have work to do HAHA) and I hope to thank them properly some day.
These are the people I want to love properly. And I feel poor because I feel like a stumbling block sometimes. I’m not the best friend, or person.
I used to feel gloomy about being poor because I didn’t want to let down the name of God which I profess. I wanted people to see God in me like how I see God in these friends, in these people. Now, I just feel gloomy because I’m poor and I’m weak, I don’t feel like I can even love properly.
And then this verse came to me:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (NIV)
“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.” (NLT)
And that is the promise I’m holding on to now.
I have to be less, way less in my own eyes. I have to look less to myself, my flesh, be it what I feel is my strength or my weakness, and look to God who can meet me in every way in both my strength and weakness. The Kingdom of Heaven, of grace, is just waiting for me to acknowledge that need, the poorness of myself, and the overflowing abundance of He who can and will give.
This was what I prayed to God before, when I once felt weak and poor. I prayed, “God, save me. Save me from myself.” All other words had failed me and I hadn’t known what to ask for but I kept coming back to this prayer without consciously realizing it. I prayed a whole week of this and I will pray it again.
He is the only one that can overcome me.
Where I’m weak, He is my strength. When I’m poor, I seek Him and find Him and will be rich in Him.