Writing one of those heartfelt letters without sending them
No, I’m not going anywhere but I just wanted to very deliberately and consciously close a chapter of my life for now.
I think it’s about time enough to move on from here. I’d been mucking about, hoping something would happen, something would change, or that I’d just accept it and float past it, out of it. In fact, the moment this all happened, I already decided that it as a ‘Let go and Let God’ situation. My head knew it. A friend also reminded me when I told her. But I daresay the heart didn’t quite get it just yet.
I honestly thought I did let go. I do trust that He has a plan and that it’s only a matter of time. I thought I could wait, and I have been waiting. But I realised that I could have been wallowing without knowing, and wallowing too long. I did take some time out to grief, and I don’t like it because I wonder all the time if this is the right way to respond, if I’m being vain by feeling hurt.
Now, I know for sure it’s become an unhealthy grief because I got unusually jealous/angry when I saw her hanging out with other people, smiling and having fun when I’m hurt about this and when I don’t think she’s really as happy as she looks. But who am I to say that she’s not allowed to have fun, to find happiness because I’m not happy about this? That’s silly. That’s really really childish of me. I’m not in charge of her. And then I see that maybe I really haven’t let go. I see that maybe my rubbish feelings have gone from being a natural, emotional reaction to fuel for my vanity, my rights and how I’m not reciprocated. I always wonder if there’s something more I can do and then if it doesn’t work out, I go tumbling backwards head-over-heels, almost subconsciously playing some kind of martyr. Which was what I was trying to avoid the whole time.
It just showed me how wrapped up in myself I have become when it’s not really about me. It shows that I haven’t wholly trusted Him or put it down at His feet. I professed that He brought her into my life and walked through this journey with me for a reason, not only for her but for me too. I claimed that since He gave her to me, He can take her away and I am but a helper. If I have to surrender it and put it down, I will. Except that I haven’t.
But now I have to. If I don’t, it’s going to keep on hurting me and affecting my relationships with my friends and with God. I could feel the closure of this episode a while back but I kept hoping it wouldn’t have to. Well, it does because where I am now, I can add no value to her life. I can’t even stand upright to help someone else.
I still love her. I guess that’s why I have to leave her too. The worse thing about loving someone is not knowing how to love them in the way they need. Because the end product of that is the same as not loving at all. And for that lack, I know God will make up to her on my behalf way better than I can ever do.
I’ve passed this season in poorness because I’ve been thinking myself better than her and had to be humbled for it. I don’t think I will ever be completely rid of seasons of poorness because without it, I’d become as haughty as anything but I hope that at least for this season, I will come out better than before. So this will be a last post on poorness too for now. I mean, how humble are you if you keep saying how humbled you are? Still, I did feel poor when I wrote them. But I’ll stop now.
I have had many things I wanted to say to you. I ranted, I wrote, I scribbled all in the privacy of dairies after any especially emotional discussions we had. I just want the words to run dry now and they have run dry. This is all I have to say and all I will say: I know this isn’t the end but the start of a very long journey for you while I continue on my own. Praying for you is the only way I know to love you anymore because it’s to God and He knows what’s best, better than I do. I know, at least, I hope that, we will meet again. And I know He will keep on watching over you and sending his love to you through people. I’ve been honoured to have walked with you as I did and I still sometimes think I could have done better but I know that He made no mistake in putting us together to learn as we did because I definitely grew from this, albeit with much pain, and still with much more to learn and I know it’s something you’ll keep with you until you come back again.
Sincerely, with all my best.
Goodbye for now.
Till we meet again.