Here Goes Nothing

It’s the eve of a brand new school semester and I’m curled up in bed in my dorm, part Monday-bluey and part looking forward to it in a good way. Mum and Dad came to help me clean out a whole month’s worth of dust and to pack me in nicely for school tomorrow. Basically, stocking up on food here. Such lovely parents.

Yes, I’m just a tad blue looking back on the fun I had the last month. I’ve had a blast all holiday long. I’d written a lot, travelled, ate, not so much reading, painted, piano-ed, shopped, the works. It’s really just about a good time to start working at things again, reading and thinking and writing graded essays (egad!). So yes, I did look forward to it in the long term aspect of things. I guess I’m just a little blue because it had been a great holiday.

I spent a lot of time with God this holiday, more than I usually do, I think. I usually take the opportunity of time during holidays to do more QT and bible study and stuff. For a while, it goes OK. And then I get distracted by writing or reading or something and suddenly, my time for God just doesn’t seem enough.

But I didn’t do that this holidays. When your time is filled with Edge Conferences and church camps, a lot of time is spent with God and I really made a conscientious effort to keep up with the Bible studies and stuff. I did this 30/30 Bible revival challenge ( over the hols, admittedly not everyday but every two, three days, from the Edge conference. It’s been giving a lot more consistency than just my QT which has always been a bit of a routine, read and forget, thing. I really wanted to work more on my Bible because I feel a bit unprepared regarding knowing the Word. Like, yeah, I know God said something like there somewhere in the Bible, but I didn’t know where, or the context of what He said etc etc. And I wanted to keep His promises nearby me so that I would have them when I needed them. So I memorized my Psalms 23, the Beatitudes and the Time for Everything passage in Ecclesiastes. Just cos they’re a passage and they’re lovely and repetitive and somewhat easier to remember.

Now comes the ‘living it out part’. I say, there’s no faster, more effective way than to learn and walk with God than to walk with him in real life. Not that I didn’t have real life in December. But like, daily life. With other people. Where things happen. And you really rely on God for the smallest things that are just beyond your control. Life puts your relationship with God to the test and that kind of thing grows your faith the quickest and deepest.

For me, school is that kind of a training ground for my faith. (I just realized that the long drives back to school makes me super reflective and prayerful and pensive and I don’t ever pray as hard or as long as when I’m in the car heading for school. Well, that says a lot.)

Not that I’m dreading it but it just dawned on me how much God had a hand in making my last semester so smooth and relatively chill. Academic-wise, God has been very very good to me and I’ve gotten grades I haven’t seen since I was, what, 9?

Honestly speaking, I’m just a little apprehensive on my social factor, the relationships with people parts. I’d just been humbled in seeing that my new Uni friends aren’t the problem I thought they were. The problem is just probably me.

See, I’d been griping about these people without really knowing them. In essence, they’re nice despite our varying differences but I’d blamed my lack of investing time into my relationships with them on the idea that they’re just ‘not my crowd’, we’re too different, our morals, values, upbringing, just too different.

Then, I head to church. Where I’m surrounded by people I identify as ‘my kind of crowd’, people I grew up with having the same ideas as I did, the friendliest and loveliest people I could ever know. And even there, I see that most of the time, these people are reaching out to me, going all out to be friendly and welcoming. I’m warmed and I’m truly touched and impressed by them but then I see that I don’t know how to respond to them either. I’m just so…not friendly.

So it’s not my college friends’ fault that I’m finding it a little iffy to fit in. Even when people are nice to me I can’t respond in kind.

I wondered if this was like a character thing, or something that kind be learnt over time, friendliness, you know. I might never know. Maybe it’s uncomfortable being friendly but some people do it anyway because they care more for other people than for themselves.

That’s what I want to do this semester. I want to love people. Like really love them and care for them, not just the superficial ‘Hi bye’ deals. I figured the reason why I’m so offish is because I don’t care for people. And I want to. That’s something I’m looking to God for this season, a love for His people. That’s the best way I can be a light for Him, I guess. It could be awkward, very awkward, which is my kryptonite (ironically, I’m awkward half my life) but I want to make an effort. I’m getting too old to be unsociable muhahaha.

Love People!

My roomie isn’t back yet to feel the love and concern I’m going to shower her with hohoho. So quiet tonight.

Alsohhh, I’d been a bit addicted to writing my fanfiction. The reviews have been amazing and it’s getting into my head. It feels really good to have your writing validated and stuff but I think I have to stop for now. It’s a pity because I have it all thought out and it just needs to be fine written. Yet, I’m not sure of how far I can push myself before I become an addict to the reviews. Ok, correction, I’m not addicted to writing the fanfic, I’m addicted to the reviews. Either way, I’m kind of glad school has started so that it gives me a reason to not write so much for now, gives me some space and that I don’t have to make a conscientious, moral choice to stop.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. So random. You probably don’t read my fanfiction. My readers would be disappointed if they knew. But oh wells, they don’t. I’m quite proud I made it to chapter 4 though. When I started, I’d only written chapter 1. Then I just wrote chapters to get them out weekly. Which is a big deal for me. I never write well at that kind of standard so quickly. So I’m proud of that. It’s a personal accomplishment thing.

Now I’m just rambling. You can tell I’m lonely without my roomie. And without my dear Pasco, the snow white alpaca Sam got me for Christmas who I couldn’t bear to bring to school in case it got dirty. Pasco~

Ok, good night, y’alls! Have a great week ahead! 🙂


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