What is the point of feelings?
What does it do, except flood you and drown you and overwhelm you, make you boil and fester in it and then throw you away when it’s through with you? And you just lie there, all the fight gone out from you, too tired, too spent to try. So then what was the use of feelings anyway? What’s it do, except make you feel wasted?
I was angry a couple of days back. Pretty angst. Much upset.
I was asked why I wanted some things when what I wanted apparently didn’t match up to my personality, and that it was silly that I should want some thing I knew nothing about except having a glamorous idea about it.
In short, it was a “Why would you want this? You’re a so and so and so type of person, you don’t do such and such and such a thing. I don’t understand, why would you want to do this? What makes you think you can? Do you even know what it’s like? It’s like a blah blah blah. You’re not that kind of person, how can you think you can do this?” and what I got from that was “You’re not good enough for your dream. I don’t see the aptitude, so I highly doubt that you can do it.” and therefore “You’re an idiot or highly deluded into wanting such a dream.”
It started off as a very simple conversation, those “what do you want to be when you grow up” things.
What, you want to do what? Do you even know what it means? I’ve done it before and it’s not as easy as it looks. You have to have a certain character, you know. It’s not that easy.
Did I say I wanted to do it because it’s easy? No. I know that it’s one of the hardest jobs in the world. It’s just a dream.
Why would you even want to do it? It’s not even in your personality, you’re so introverted. You only like to read etc etc. You don’t even do these small scale stuff. People who do those are so extroverted! You aren’t like that when I see you with your friends.
…I don’t believe that all of them are extroverted…that’s just a stereotype. There isn’t a certain type of people cast in stone for the job.
Why would you even want to do it? Tell me, I’m curious why you want this.
I would, and I have. But everything I say apparently doesn’t qualify enough. Especially after you’ve listed out every other way I am not suitable for it. I’m sorry, I don’t feel compelled to tell you why I think I can anymore.
You won’t know that I spend a lot of time and effort into doing certain things, that I have previously experimented and tried out various outlets, that I know it’s not that easy but still liked it and was reasonably good at it, that I will and do make the effort, being the perfectionist that I am about things I care about.
You won’t know because they aren’t big enough, they’re not in black and white on a freaking resume so it’s not counted as experience. It was all just me playing, child’s play. It will never be recognised as an accurate reflection of my aptitude or interest.
So I won’t say. And you won’t know that it really stung me, to be denied a dream I haven’t even begun to reach for. Because “I’m not the type.”
Yes, I admittedly don’t know the kind of hard work and talent that sort of thing requires except that you’ve got to have an awful lot of it. I don’t know much about doing that, what it entails. I haven’t tried it, and just like how you wouldn’t know whether I’d be good at it, I wouldn’t know that I’d be bad at it. I haven’t tried. Why put it down that I can’t?
I know it’s not practical, not in this time and place, in this society. That’s why I shove it in the little corner of my mind, to indulge in it as ‘just another hobby’, nothing serious. But to write it off because I don’t pursue it… I didn’t pursue it because for reasons of practicality, not because I didn’t care enough. Don’t tell me I’m not good enough because I haven’t had a chance to try. No one is born a star. Stars are made.
What if ‘practicality’ was just a reason for what I suspect is a lack of talent? A fear of pursuing too big a dream, something that doesn’t belong to me, something I shouldn’t want to want because it is beyond me?
What if I went all the way out and it came up that I wasn’t good enough?
…What if you’re right?
I died a little, partly because of your little faith in me, partly because I am ever so frightened that maybe, maybe you’re right. I felt wounded, like I lost an arm or a leg, a part of my identity and went into a ‘Who am I?’ frenzy.
How can someone like you, who is always so timid to play even the piano in front of a large crowd, so scared to even do that, think of wanting to do something like this?? Are you sure?
I wasn’t the one who chose the piano. I made do and after a while, got a good teacher and really enjoyed it. I excelled then. But tell me; wouldn’t you be timid to play and perform if you know you’re not ready, when you know you’re not good enough yet to perform and you feel like you’re cheating the audience of something?
It’s not just a ‘try your best thing’. I’d be glad to perform if I’m confident that I can, when I’ve practiced and am more or less alright with the piece. Under ideal circumstances, I’d only play when I have it all down pat. I don’t like presenting half baked things. I don’t like pretending to be all there when I’m not.
What does the piano have to do with anything anyway?
It was the same with the audition for the music school: Just put down the titles of the pieces you haven’t learnt yet and start learning from now. You mayn’t even get the audition. Just try.
That’s not the point. I will get the audition. It’s an application for it. It’s a given. I will be given an audition and then be expected to play pieces I’d only be two months into learning.
When I refused because of the sheer illogic, you put it down as ‘not even trying’.
Not even trying? Are you even kidding me? Put myself down for an audition when I can’t even perform half of my stated repertoire? The getting the audition is not the big deal. It’s the ‘actually passing it to get into the school’, how about. Who applies for an exam they haven’t studied for? Not me.
In conclusion, counselors shouldn’t counsel their own children. They have too many preconceived notions about their kids. They think they know their kids better, and maybe they do, and maybe that’s why the kid will never get to consider anything new because it’s already been weeded out from their environment. What was that verse in the bible?
“Truly I tell you,” he continued, “no prophet is accepted in his hometown.” Luke 4:24
Ok, I know that’s bad. To quote a verse for these kinds of things.
I’m still simmering but I feel bad now. She doesn’t know I’m mad at her. She roughly guesses but she doesn’t know I’m still hung up about this. I’ve let her think that I’m stressed out about my academics and that’s why I’m not really talking. She’s being obliviously sweet and I feel bad for sulking.
I wish I could just tell her everything I’ve written but my mouth isn’t as quick as hers, and I always blub before I even finish my sentence. I hate that about myself, how I blub before I can say what I want to. Maybe that’s why I like writing so much. All words, no tone of delivery. It’s a good and bad thing.
Recovering from a burst bubble.