I cannot tell a lie.
So I have been in a pretty crap state of mind since the last post. To be honest, I’m not mad about the thing that I was ranting about anymore. It all left me after I wrote it all down. I just felt crappy because I’d penned down all that diss and felt so much better but then it was still diss, like dissing my parents in some way even though they don’t know about it. Maybe that’s what makes it extra crappy. I dissed them and can still smile and laugh with them while they remain clueless about my inner angst toward them.
I just feel so underhand, y’know. Dissing them. Feels like something I shouldn’t have done, and it just feels like this big rock wedging itself in between God and me, just sitting there. Even worse, I was the one who put it there. Didn’t bother to move it too.
Everything goes downhill when you’re not in sync with God, methinks. I feel like I’ve fallen a little behind from keeping in his rhythm. It always happens during the holidays. I think I have more discipline in hall. (surprise surprise)
After raising that stink and just letting it sit there, I just opened this tiny door of ‘Me Myself and I’ and allowed some things to be thrown at me to topple me, tossed so casually into my mind but so dangerous to take root.
Have you heard that story about how they kill wolves? The knife blade is coated in blood, frozen over, coated it in another layer of blood, frozen and so on and so forth until the blade is pretty much disguised as a block of … bloody ice. Which appeals to the wolves anyhow. The knife’s handle is wedged into the ground, so only the bloody blade is seen and the wolves go and lick at it. They lick at it until they know it’s a knife under all that bloody mess, but they still continue to lick at it because it’s bloody and they like blood. They lick it until the blood on the knife is actually their own blood from them cutting their tongues on the blade. But still they go on licking, licking until they bleed to death. So it goes.
I feel like I’m that wolf. Even from a distance, without licking anything, I already know it’s a trap. It’s hollow, it won’t satisfy, it only leads to death.
But humans are funny, aren’t they? So what if they know? Experience everything, right? Especially, despite all the evils you know it’ll bring, because it feels good?
…There are some things worth not experiencing, worth avoiding, for no one else’s sake but your own. You’d probably still go off and do something dumb after reading this though, because that’s human. ‘Don’t believe it till you experience it.’ By then, it’s too late and you’ll slave to get out of it all and try to warn others but but but no one’s going to listen to you. Just watch them fall and try, try again.
It’s a short detour from the road He wants me to take and I’m already at the point of trudging back. It’s disgusting out here. Still feeling a little heavy laden but absolutely refuse to be tied down again by these things. Always these things. Something I will struggle for the rest of my life until I get to heaven, methinks.
It’s just so artistic, y’know?