As a Literature student, I feel that every post or piece of writing must have a point in it coming into existence.
Therefore, I must apologise in advance. This post has no point. Or a flowy body.
December was a blur. I just need to get it down somewhere.
Where did Christmas go? Where did all my gold glitter and sparkles and happy feels go? I missed everything. I didn’t manage to send out Christmas cards this year. 😦 Boohoo. And I’m not ready for the new year either.
So I haven’t really had a break since school ended early this December. December turned out to be the most stressful month this year. Had a couple of meltdowns here and there. Basically a wreck the whole month.
Most of it was really due to all the administration I had to do for the exchange I’m going for next semester. Yes, it’s happening. This child will be spending a semester in the UK next year. Whoopee.
On hindsight, I’m pretty glad for this opportunity. It’s kind of like a dream come true, a little bit, to study Literature and Broadway in the UK. It can’t get better than that. It’ll be good for me, I guess. Experience. Grow up some. Overseas exposure and all that.
But for now, I’m just bogged down by course registration and visa applications and indemnity forms.
I really, really don’t like administration. It’s a whole lot of stressful and unknowns and communication with adult people. All. That. Emailing. (shudders) It really is a gift to be able to email. They need to teach this in school.
I could look at it as part of the independent, growing up process, but it’s really bleargh for me. I need my own secretary to adult for me. I can’t adult. I would rather study for exams and write papers than administrate. Why’s it so difficult to go to a place to studyyyy argh I cannot wait for school to start just so I can stop administrating.
I just want everything to be done, nice, neat and tidy. No loose ends, everything set in stone ready for me start, to just reach there and get on with the learning. For now though, there are still some changes that aren’t confirmed yet and it just makes me that much uncomfortable that it isn’t settled by now. I feel like I won’t be able to chill until it’s settled. It’s just there, this burden at the back of my mind. Too many unknowns and unconfirms. I cannot.
Yep, so administrating and worrying pretty much sucked the life out of me the whole December. So has all the back-to-back social events that clutters December. I really hadn’t had time to stop and breathe. Just swept up in a whirlwind of things. Hence, the meltdowns. Much identity crisis.
So tired of people and events. I’m going to block out some me-time this Jan before I fly. I need to block out some me-time now actually, before the new year. Need to get my head together to face everything. Don’t enter the next year busy, they say. At this point in my life, the days are just blurred together and spilling over.
In other episodes of self-discovery, I was reminded of my survival mode. When I’m really tired and hungry, I actually become really focus on getting things done to up myself out of wherever I am and I stop being patient and nice to people so as not to offend them. I just don’t give a bother about people anymore.
I like this mode in the sense that it’s kind of empowering, that when I’m thrown into circumstances I realise I’m not entirely helpless. And I like this mode because I’m so unbothered by people. I just need to do what I have to do without those niceties in the way.
But I don’t like this mode because it makes me mean. It makes me curse a lot in my head. And it encourages me to buy into the possibility that I’m independent and in control and take pride in my strength.
Which isn’t true.
Still, I need this mode to survive when I get to the UK, I think. Basic needs first.
Also, very upset that I haven’t been reading much this month. My mind is dying from lack of brain food.
I think that next to godlessness, foolishness is the next worse thing. I’m not just talking about knowledge and intellect, stuff that can be gained and learned from history and books. I’m talking about wisdom, the things you get only when God gives to you.
Wisdom is what I really esteem the most, it’s what I want the most, and I need to start working to get at it again, working in that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” sense. I really see the value in it by seeing the lack of it in this world everywhere and I see that a little of it goes a long way. It’s something I find myself wanting from time to time. Everything boils down to wisdom, or the lack of it.
Yes. So. I don’t know where that came from but. Yes.
Anyways, hope you had a great December and all the best for 2016~ 😀 Peace ❤