Precious – Don’t Doubt

I think I was more precious when I was far far away.

Hi guys. So. I’m home, back from my overseas exchange. It’s been a week. Home sweet home…to a certain extent. Something has changed, I think. I’ve made and left a bit of a home in the UK, and now I’m trying to get used to the one I’d left.

Just slightly, slightly suffocated by the weather and the people.

The weather tho. It had been positively stifling the first day I came back. It still is. The air is so thick. I broke out into some sort of a heat rash. I didn’t even go out of the house and had to take something like three showers in the day. Still trying to get used to this weather.

And then there’s the people, mostly mah fam.

No offence, I really do love my folks, but lately I’m finding them just a fraction…too much. I think it’s just having to get used to living with them again. It’s trying.

I was so happy when they came to the UK to pick me up. They’d cabbed all the way to my residence and pretty much showed up on my doorstep. Tears of joy. I still love that feeling, that memory, of missing someone and having them fly all the way there. And then showing them around, how I’d been living. That was fun.

But, I dunno. We came back, and suddenly I’m in a house full of people that I have to be accountable to, people who are close enough to run my life and can take me for granted again. I have no doubt they love me. But still. Feeling rather second best.

No space to be me.

I did learn to be somewhat independent and get on living by myself that I find being accountable to so many people stifling. There’s no other word, it’s stifling. It’s funny, when I went, I was worried about being a grown up because I was always the child that was being taken care of. And now, I’m back, I don’t want to be a child anymore. I had thought it a privilege, a luxury to be a child. And it was. But I’m outgrowing it. And it’s uncomfortable. I never thought’d I want to outgrow it.

Here, I have to take up all these roles again. I can’t just be me as an individual and do what I want. I have responsibilities that encroach on me and drive me into corners and boxes. People are imposing on me and that would have been fine if I wasn’t aware of it, but I am now. And it’s not to say that I shouldn’t have responsibilities. I should, it’s only right, and I do. It’s just getting used to that difference of being responsible for yourself being amplified to include a whole lot of other people.

I think the biggest load on my shoulders now is to be a considerate daughter. The weight of being eldest child who is trying not to fall behind.

So I just turned 21. Like a legal adult. And my whole professional future is flashing before my eyes.

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