On Worship

I don’t even know how, where to begin.

Just a short one on worship again, so I don’t forget.

I served on keys again this Sunday. I usually only serve once a month, but I was covering somebody else this week. So.

I’m usually kinda flustered/frantic when my week comes around, depending on the set etc. I literally become a headless chicken. The last time I served, there were too many things going on. I just died at prac. But after feeling like crap on that Saturday, I just knew it’ll be ok on Sunday. I don’t know how. It didn’t stop me from feeling like a poop the rest of the day, but on Sunday, I was feeling like a million bucks, shiny and hopeful, because I just kind of knew God would see me through it. And He did. And I played loads better on Sunday, or at least, well enough to give me the headspace I needed to worship worship, not just play.

That week, on Saturday, I just felt really humbled. It had been something like six months since I played, and all the time in UK, at the church, I always thought that I played better than whoever it was that was serving. I kind of knew that nah, my playing wasn’t that worth talking about but, I dunno. I still gravitate to thinking I’m all there, maybe cos ego. But yeah. So after that prac, I was brought to my knees before God, and I felt Him prompt me to trust Him, not on my efforts or on my flesh (of which I had not much to offer anyway), but to trust Him, even if I crash and burn on Sunday like I did at prac.

If I win, I praise you. If I lose, I praise you.

I’ve always wanted to pray this prayer, but when it comes down to it, it was really hard to do. It came from the Christian film, Facing the Giants, I think, and this prayer always stuck with me. I wanted to have this mentality, this posture of worship, despite music and keys and stuff like that. I wanted to be strong enough to wholeheartedly believe that even if I screwed up on Sunday, I would still be able to praise Him for who He is. Cos it’s not about me. It never was. But I would still have liked to play a part for His work.

It was really hard to pray that. It still is. Thankfully, He met me where I was and just poured Himself out so abundantly on me. It wasn’t like I suddenly played amazingly excellently, but I just played enough, enough to know that it wasn’t just me or my efforts, enough to usher His people into His presence, which was the point of what I was doing anyway. To serve.

Maybe He thought I wasn’t ready to actually be tested in the if I lose I’ll praise you part. He is so gracious.

This week’s experience was different, kind of like, in a good way. The set was much more chill, my parts were mostly pads, strings, atmospheric stuff. I wasn’t too stressed up about it technic-wise, compared to the past time I served, where I had to learn specific riffs to play as closely to the recording as possible. So not that much stress.

We practiced on Saturday, and I thought it was a pretty good prac. I felt like I didn’t have to try so hard this week, that since I had the space, I could experiment and put a little thought in the different sounds I wanted to use, trying to fit the different ranges and riffs in the song, and overall just being more mindful of what I was doing, all the time keeping that space for pure worship. It was a good head space, and it was the most peaceful I’ve felt about worship for a while. It was one of those weeks. Still, I felt like I could have worshipped more. A bit caught up in technicalities. Sunday service worked out well. I kind of zoned out a bit, like I couldn’t go further, and I think it was because I didn’t like my sound and I couldn’t change it/get my head around it. Never had this problem on Saturday. But oh wells.

Because it was such a chill set, or less stressful anyhow than the last time, I wasn’t really like committing everything into His hands, like how I did. I thought I could handle it, and I think I did reasonably well. But once again, I was reminded that despite myself and everything I had to offer, I was to trust Him. Even when I think I got it all, I have to trust Him.

Both extremes are hard to do. Honestly. When you don’t have it all down, it’s hard to trust Him, and then when you think you do, it’s hard to rely Him above yourself.

It’s interesting, the way He teaches me every week.

Today, one of the worship ministry workers came to join our band debrief. He’s really such a wow. Like. The things he says. How he can practically apply God and His wisdom to the worship ministry. So wow. Always so blessed and encouraged by his insights and how he allows the Holy Spirit to move in him.

When I was first starting out in worship ministry, even more unsure and insecure about my playing, especially in a band of older youths and very talented musicians, he was the one who put all my insecurities to rest. I was struggling with what it meant to serve in this ministry, things like how far/much of what I have is God’s gift, how much of it I can take responsibility for, whether it was even ‘a gift’ because I’m really not very good at it, or whether I’m just doing it because the ministry needs people and I just happen to know the instrument. How do I stay humble with it, how do I work with it. Was it really from God if I sucked at it. How far is it a gift or a talent. I always felt iffy with the words gift and talent, especially if the said gift/talent isn’t very outstanding. Like, I’m just not very good keyboarding, ok? Ok.

Then this guy gave me a word at one of the band debriefs. I couldn’t even remember what he said exactly but I remembered this word: anointing. He said something along the lines of how everyone there who had served, those who will continue to serve, how we all had such an anointing. I admittedly didn’t fully understand what ‘being anointed’ meant, and I don’t actually completely understand it even now. But ‘anointing’ just seems fit in where I was, and it was just right to describe this balance of serving in ministry, how much was me and how much was God ordained.

Anointing, as in chosen, consecrated, sanctified and empowered by the Holy Spirit to do His will.

It stops becoming about what I have or what I can do. It becomes more about what He can do despite me, what He has called me to do, and how I respond, what the posture of my heart is for Him to work in me. It’s not always the easiest to keep in mind when I serve, much less 24/7 when I live out my anointing as His child, not just solely in ministry.

This week, at the debrief, the same ministry worker also reminded us of something else. He was warning us about pursuing excellence, in this case, musical excellence, over God, worship and serving. He was talking about working with other musicians in other worship ministries and how when they had pracs and meetings and all that, the focus of their conversation was on God, on worship, not on the music. Music-wise, they were set, they knew what to do. Everyone did their homework, they knew their parts, they were tight. When they had pracs, it was just to worship, to allow the Spirit to flow through them etc. It stopped becoming technical and even if they did have to sort out things technically, the music wasn’t the point, it wasn’t the focus of why they were there. It was worship. The thing is, they had to do the work too, they had to practice in their own time and all that to achieve that kind of musicality so that they could worship while they played and still sound clean. Their hands and feet would all be ready on autopilot, they knew all their parts and what to do so that it doesn’t sound hard to do even though there were so many things going on. It wasn’t as though God would always spontaneously make them sound awesome, they did have to practice to get there. But they weren’t a competing thing, music and worship. You work hard at music to and for worship. And worship should always be the focus.

I never thought about it that way. I mean, I did struggle with worshipping meaningfully when I had to play because I had too many things to do. But I never realised that I had to practice to be good enough at what I was doing on the keyboard so that I could be on autopilot and then worship. Like, it seems pretty duh now when I write it out. But it never occurred to me that… I dunno, wow, that I could actually do both, play well and worship, at the same time.

I just thought it was something you had, playing well, being musical, in this context, at least. I don’t know where worship went. It was hard to worship and do so many things at the same time.

Lel what have I been doing with my life. Srsly.

Anyways, he prayed for us, that we will never pursue music over worship, and that music won’t be an idol for us. Which is good. So that I don’t put my value as a worshipper in music, or as a measure of how much I’m worshipping etc. Stuff.

I’m also trying to take responsibility to improve. Like I know a bunch of people who serve now and play really well, and they said that they hadn’t always played like that. It was a process, and it takes time and practice. Much encouraged by people who try. I want to try too.

Many ups and downs in this ministry. It’s been an interesting walk and I think it will always be.

to you

who are tired of not meaning anything, and find too much emptiness in excess

i think that

when you’re your own guide

you’ll get lost

easily

all the time

when you only have yourself to follow

it’s scary

everything is relative

relative to you

everything just moves around on the surface but nothing moves downwards; it’s like everyone just shifts around and dodges the point. 

The point. Yes there is a point. 

The nature of this job, of society, of life itself, is fleeting. It’s fleeting because there we can’t find the point, we don’t know what it is. so we try to find one, or make one. we just want to make something, anything and everything, matter. to make ourselves worth this life. 

but in the end, you’re right. everything, for all it’s bustling busyness, is fleeting. it’s nothing. still we bustle, stirring up a lot of nothing to make something.

some where deep inside us, there will always be something that wants more than just doing things, going through the motions. that’s normal. it holds for me at least. 

and if the earth and all its workings are fleeting, we will never find that, what we want, the thing we don’t even know we are yearning for. we won’t find it here. 

it all goes back to the meaning of life, what you want from it, what you can do. and i know you’ve been searching so much, so hard, looking into yourself, taking things from outside, the world, as a mirror to learn who you are, trying to find something you don’t even know. and you take the journey in your stride, part of the big question of life, that it will somehow give you answers some time, some day. but it’s tiring when you don’t know where you’re going, and when no one else knows either, when you only have yourself to trust.

don’t settle for the journey. there is a point. and we all have the same point. if anything, the journey just appeals to us that there is more. it’s all or nothing. truth isn’t relative. truth is truth. 

i hope you find it soon.

I think

I think I spoilt my hands. They’re broken from trying to hold myself up. I’m so heavy. Everything is heavy.

I’m a nothing today, a nobody. and that’s ok. sometimes it’s not a bad thing to be… not. 

It stopped being about how I did. What mattered was how I didn’t. 

What I learnt today – there are some things chocolate can’t fix.

When you fall, try, try again

 

I Just Remembered

I had a bit of thanksgiving that I wanted to put up here!

I kept putting it off because… I dunno, life. And busy. But life will always be busy so this is part of the busy that I have to life.

Catch that? Yep, coming through real clear here. Anyhoo.

So imma gonna share three thanksgivings, to be exact, because after I procrastinated on the first one, a couple more came in and I was like dontforgetdontforgetdontforget so I’m writing it all down now.

They aren’t really what I considered a big deal of a testimony. Like, they aren’t radical and mindblowing, all that kind of jazz. But when I was there and God came through, it was important, it is important to me, no matter how small it seemed. So.

The first one happened way back in December 2015 when I was at a church camp. My brother and I were in a bit of a fitness fever then. He was prepping to go to the army and I was just trying to not be a potato. We were gonna swim on our last free and easy afternoon because we’d been eating too much for meals (dat buffet tho).

Apparently we weren’t the only ones thinking of spending our time at the pool. When we went to check it out, we were greeted by a cacophony of little kids with their parents, splashing about and having a great time. It was going to be impossible to swim through that ruckus. We were like, erm, now, what. But we tried to be optimistic about this so we changed and met back at the pool in 15 minutes.

The pool was completely cleared by the time we came back. It was amazing how all those people completely disappeared so quickly.  At first we were thrilled. But then we realised why everyone had left.

It was raining.

It wasn’t a very heavy rain, but it was heavy enough such that it wasn’t the safest to swim. We meandered along the edges of the pool and settled in the deck chairs, unsure. We didn’t want to have to swim in fear of getting struck by lightning or whatever, but we didn’t want to go back and change again. We were all ready to hop in and burn some fat.

So we sat and we thought we would wait it out. Maybe like 10, 15 minutes.

It was one of those annoying things, where you’re all revved and prepped and things happen. Like rain. You can’t really tell with rain when it will stop and stuff. If it were just the kids. we could at least swim through and kick them out of the way (HAHA just kidding we only kick them sometimes but that’s because they DON’T LOOK WHERE THEY SWIMMING, plus we’re such long people). But you can’t control the rain.

I think it was the message of the camp that actually led me to pray. I can’t remember the message now, ironically, but it made me pray. So I prayed aloud, very shortly and simply, something like “Dear God, please stop the rain so that we can swim. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

We waited for a little while more, watching the pool, before we realised that the ripples on the surface were getting fewer. The rain was lightening up. Brother was amazed. “Wow, it actually worked!”  In my head, I was like, well, duh, he walked on water and calmed the storm, what’s a bit of rain to him? But I was also amazed. Like, sometimes I pray and I don’t always expect the ‘yes’ because of the trusting in His sovereignty thing. Then when He does say yes, I’m like yay.

By the time we snapped on our goggles and slipped into the pool, the ripples had completely stopped.

It took less than two minutes or so since I prayed. God is so amazing. I can’t help feeling that he made it rain to clear the pool out haha. Both of us had the entire pool to ourselves to do our laps so that was great. Really thank God for that.

The other two happened when I was in UK. They’re really very minor things compared to what God did over the course of my exchange but these two stuck the most.

I got a really bad case of hiccups once. I never usually get hiccups and even if I did, they weren’t this bad. It really hurt and they wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t study or anything and I was just hoping that they go away. I think it was near my bedtime too, but I couldn’t sleep with such a bad fit of hiccups.

I was like God pleaseeeeee stop my hiccups. Make it stahppp it hurts.

And then they really stopped. Just like that. Bam. Like I was expecting the next hiccup and it didn’t come. It didn’t come at all after that. It just died. Dayummm.

Then the other time, God fixed the tap in my sink. It started to leak no matter how tightly I screwed the taps. It never leaked before but now it wouldn’t stop. I put an empty bottle to catch all that water and it kept filling up too quickly. I tried to get the maintenance people to fix it for me but I couldn’t find the email with my maintenance account details so I couldn’t file a report. On hindsight, I guess I could have just gone to the office to tell them about it, but I had heard how anal they were about strictly filing for maintenance online. No walk-ins allowed. So. I prayed. I tried to do without praying at first and really tightened the taps to the max. But it wouldn’t stop. And I couldn’t get maintenance.

So I prayed when I was tightening the taps this one time and lo, it actually stopped leaking. I waited for a while because you think it stops but it’s still leaking, just real slowly.

It actually stopped. Hwahaha. Ecstatic.

If you’re still with me, this is why I don’t go up in the front to share testimonies. Because this is what I would share and it’s so. Meh. But, yeah. God is the main character. It’s not about my lame problems, it’s about how God comes through them no matter how lame.

They still amaze me though. Thank you God for listening to all my small prayers like this. You awesome.

Looking Up

So ever since my hyperthyroid has been addressed, I’m pretty much free to be my nice self again(whatever that means), seek God, enjoy life and the rest of my holidays.

Just a thankful tally so far:

  1. That I got my hyperthyroid – pretty much thankful for my body acting up on my behalf to express my stress for me and getting some space because of it
  2. That my hyperthyroid is being treated and is stabilising
  3. For friends – who still love me and didn’t call me out even though I wasn’t the best company and was a crabby poop (before I knew and got treated for my relapse)
  4. God for really seeing me through everything and is building me up again both physically and spiritually
  5. New seasons
  6. Getting a short freelance editorial stint which is a kind of a dream for me
  7. Doing a whole lot of recreation over the hols

God is truly good. He always has been, and He always is, and He always will be. There’s no getting round that. Honestly.

Closing the chapter of my overseas exchange and settling back into life here, I haven’t always been the best example of taking joy in trials or counting my blessings. But this season of recovery really gave me the time and space to recalibrate and to come before God to seek Him first again. The Holy Spirit moved quietly in me and as I carried on my day-to-day life, I was suddenly made aware that there were some things I did, some thoughts I had and some attitudes and habits I never considered a big deal, that displeased him.

For starters, I was not treating people right; I was not loving them or forgiving them as He had loved and forgiven me, as He had shown me.

My medical condition aside, I found myself getting angry at a friend, judging and condemning because I didn’t think that the way she was behaving was right. I got frustrated because she wouldn’t tell me why she was acting the way she did. I only saw the action (which I disagreed with) and judged her for that, instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt and being fair to her for having personal reasons (which she does not owe me anyway). I dunno. I could point fingers and say that her actions caused me to stumble etc. but what she’s doing isn’t the point; it’s what I’m doing, what I’m thinking. And I know I’ve done it before, all the time. And I’d been so humbled before because of what I didn’t know and judged anyway. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to judge because I think I’m better. If anything, I want to judge, not in the sense of condemning someone, but in love and out of love for the person. I want to point out and correct them based on God’s standard, in which he called for the body of the church to be accountable to each other, to teach, rebuke, correct and train in righteousness using the His word. There’s no use for me loving somebody without wisdom, though. I don’t even know where to start. But before I do anything, I needed to get my heart right with God.

I was also being suspicious and distrustful of my friends. I felt that they were cunning and hung out with me for vested interest (such a high opinion I had of myself. as if I have anything worth hanging around for vested interest). Ok, that came out a bit strong. Not to that extent but still. And I couldn’t be nice to them because of these strange thoughts.

Plus, I was also not being very nice or respectful to my parents.

I hope I don’t lose any friends after writing this. It’s probably not you that I’m writing about, and anyway, the point is my heart and it’s attitudes.

God also convicted me about what I was doing with my gifts, and ultimately my life.

So I love to write. I can’t do without it. And I love to conjure up stories. But sometimes I write or come up with stories that, I don’t know, I think is beautiful and has some artistic value, although the morals of the content are slightlyyyy questionable. And I don’t think much about it. Because it’s art, right? And art has a free license. Art is art. It can be controversial but that’s cos it’s art. It’s saying something.

Well, it isn’t saying something right, I suppose. I don’t know. I know, theoretically, that you’re suppose to use your gifts, the gifts that God gave you, for His glory. That’s only right. It’s only fair. But can’t I use it for His glory plus other things? Like, for my enjoyment? Like, artistically and purely so?

Sigh.

Also, when I write, I use either the faces and personas of movie stars both in and out of character or the real life people that are around me. I haven’t been using real life people for a while now; my movie stars are basically my stock characters for whatever it is I’m writing. And that’s good and bad. Because I had a long struggle with this, especially when I used real life people. Much fantasising which leads to a lot of idolatry and other less-than-healthy/desirable thoughts and emotions. Movie stars are better than the real life ones which are too close for comfort, but honestly, the idolatry, though. I’m such a sucker for pretty people. It’s something I’ve struggled with every stage of my life and I think it’s something I will always be struggling with, the thorn in my side, the sin that I will always be up against most of my life.

Not going through any particular fevers with anybody as of now, but just something I want to get off my chest while I’m still with a clear mind. When I get those lovesick fevers I take a while to get back to focusing on God. It’s not something I like, it’s really where the flesh and spirit fight for me.

I needed help, and by the looks of everything I’d written, I needed lots of it. I narrowed in on a couple of areas whenever God prompted me.

I need to be humble. I was so proud, of what, I don’t know. I didn’t want God to humble me because that’s always painful but I want to be humble.

I want to love people more, more than I do now, more than myself. I want a soft heart and a gentle spirit, instead of the hard, apathetic one I have now. I want a love for people so that I can help them, so that God can use me.

I want wisdom, because, as you can tell, my future is in shambles. I have no direction, only dreams. And not all of them have God in them. I want wisdom to live and to walk where God wants me to.

I want to have the strength to glorify Him regardless of my situations, and in everything I do. I want to have that strength to walk with Him closely every single day, to pray, to seek Him first, to die to myself.

I want to know His word, like really sit down and memorise what He has said, what He has promised, what He’s like. I don’t just want to know it’s important. I want to steel down and know it for myself, to prepare myself for the storms while I’m still in a relatively peaceful season.

So these are the things I’m working on, the things God has brought to light Himself for me to commit them back to Him and for His use. Some parts are easier than others and God is already working in me.

He has been speaking to me through my devos, and the Holy Spirit has been residing over my prayer times because they are suddenly very focused and I know exactly what and how to pray. Very much heart to heart with God. He has been giving the peace and patience I have always wanted. It’s not perfect, of course, but it’s a much needed change of heart, so that I can keep practicing it and perfect it. He has given me encouragement and affirmation through the words and sharing of my friends and I do so treasure their love so much.

It’s still an uphill task, definitely, but the Lord is for me and not against me, He is bigger than my fears and sins and He has already won for me. It is such a comfort for me.

That’s the start of my new season with God. I love new seasons because their so fresh and new and exciting but I hope I can walk with Him all the way.

In other breaking news, I got a short stint editing a piece of work which I can’t say much about yet. It was fun and it was really such a God-given opportunity for me to try my hand at what I hope is part of my future (not just freelance, but editing, fiction, at that). It was a good experience and I am thankful for that.

Aside from meeting friends, the rest of my days are filled with reading, writing, singing and working out, with the occasional cooking. Life.

Bought a bunch of new books lately cos I haven’t been reading much and now I feel like doing book reviews to make me read deeper.

Updating my WP and writing whatever fictional scraps that sometimes hit me. Also working on my book (don’t choke), the book that may be my debut, that I have to write because I have to publish at least one before I die and live to see it’s fame and remakes as movies and musicals.

Singing my heart out because my dad bought me a mic for my big two one! I did all the research and he pretty much just handed me his credit card hahaha. I’ve been testing it out around the room and trying to crash course on how to mix and master my tracks. That’s the hard part, but it’s fun all the same.

Also been trying to lead a healthy lifestyle because that’s what living independently does to you. You become so aware of what you put into your body and how you’re responsible for your health. Been trying to follow this workout plan and everything and it’s ok so far because it’s still at the weight training phase which I like. I don’t follow the diet regulations, though, and I don’t have some of the machines in the gym. So. On best effort basis.

Since I came back, I cooked a total of three times. After I unearthed this dinosaur of a blender, I went and blended myself a pancake mix with oats, bananas and eggs. I put some peanut butter in it too. It was ok. It looked like meat though. Then I made a burger lunch for brother, like how I used to. Bread, leaf, cheese, beef, egg, bread. It was so big and overflowing which means it was a good burger. Too much salt in the beef cos the first taste was a mite bland. Coupled it with sweet potato fries which were delish except that I don’t think I want to use the oven again after it short circuited the house. The third time I cooked was the most successful. I made coffee pork ribs for the fam plus my grandparents and it was pretty good, prolly cos I made it once before so it wasn’t that foreign. Yay, achievement unlocked. Don’t know what else I can cook now that their expectations are  so high haha. I make a mean porridge, though, if they’re interested.

Also, I’m now on the 40 Days prayer thingamajig the church does like 40 days before national day and it calls for a kind of fast. I can’t do food fasts but I thought I’d fast on social media. Like, not WP but Facebook and Insta for a bit. Just to declutter and refocus. Stuff.

Gah, so much to catch up on but I foresee that this will be the trend for the rest of the hols. Yay joy.

Disclaimer maybe

Hi guys. So I’d just like to make a little disclaimer for all the angst and not so good vibes on the last post. I’m not usually that angsty (I hope). But I admit I was way more than usual.

My hyperthyroid relapsed. Oh sure, blame the hormones.

I have a history of this overactive gland, ze thyroid, and it produces too much of a certain hormone that makes me go a bit off. The last time I had it, I was sweating over my A levels. Yas, apparently this is a stress-induced condition. Hereditary and stress.

What happens when I get it is that basically, the overproduction of this hormone drives my metabolism crazy so I get constantly hot/heat intolerance, hungry, irritable and some weakness of the muscle. There is a supposed weight loss along the way because of the burn but I always eat enough to counteract my hunger.

I was experiencing almost all the symptoms but I didn’t know I it relapsed until dad noticed that my eye looked bulgy so could I please see the doctor for a checkup. See, the last time I got it, my eyes weren’t just bulging out, they were tearing 24/7 for no reason whatsoever. They were just leaking. But this time they weren’t. Still, I took a blood test and it showed that my hormones were off the scale. They were pretty high compared to my previous bout, which the doctors had said was marginal (I didn’t know the exact numbers).

I’ve been on medication two to three weeks now so I’m feeling loads better. Taking another blood test in a week.

To be honest, I’m glad my body acted up. Because I was stress and I couldn’t get it out of me (well unless online ranting counts).

The doctor suspects that I got it even before I got back home, and looking back, I think he’s right. I was feeling so bloomin’ hot in the UK and I couldn’t stop eating. It was terrible because when we went to London, we went on a couple of day trips to the outskirts i.e 2-4 hours on the coach. I could bring food enough to stuff my face but then I always worrying if we would have pit stops to poo (one coach didn’t have a mobile toilet and the other one wouldn’t flush). It was so stressful. I think that was why I couldn’t enjoy London. Worrying about my next meal and toilet breaks all the time. Also because there aren’t many toilets around. Like I can’t find them in the mall. Not usually. There’ll only be in restaurants, so. Sorry for going all the way to London and then worrying about poo breaks. Never gonna be a travel blogger no-oh~

I think I got stressed cos I had to ‘host’ my parents, sort of. I got an accom at London from airBnb. It was our first airBnb experience so it was a bit stressful for me, worrying if I picked an ok house with an ok host. It was a decent experience, not hotel standard but it also wasn’t the live-with-a-local experience I had expected. The host didn’t live with us. Which meant that there were a couple of details that were overlooked. So.

Then I came back and broke out in a sort of heat rash. It was awful. At first, I thought it was getting used to our lovely 35 degree celsius tropical weather again. I moisturised every night because it got really bad then. Couldn’t sleep a wink. Luckily, we found out that it was the hyperthyroid and all that so we got the proper meds. It was still fluctuating the past few weeks. Some nights were still awful. But it’s stabilising now so much thankful.

I got stressed mostly because the minute I stepped down, mum was nagging me to do internships and get a job at once. And we all know how easy that is. I can’t remember if I said that the last post. Anyhoo. It was hard cos by the time I applied most of June would already be over, leaving me with July and a bit of August, which isn’t really a lot of time to get a job, however temporary.

I’m not a strong, confrontational person who can stand up for my thoughts all the time, especially if it’s against my mother, who is number one, my mother, and number two, a very strong character. The best I can do is vent it all somewhere she wouldn’t see but still. Yea, so mum couldn’t see how unpractical it was for me to be gainfully employed. I guess, on hindsight, she just wanted to see some effort. I have a feeling if I did manage to snag anything for real, a few weeks into it and she would feel tired and empathetic for me. That was what happened last year anyway, and then when I left the job early, we were both so glad haha. Mothers.

So that’s that. Things are looking up, now that I’m less irritable etc. Don’t mean to push everything onto my medical condition but it does have some bearing on being mean/not so nice. Aye, we ain’t all perfect but now that that’s kinda behind me, I’m trying to be nice-ish again. And seizing the hols for myself, doing all the stuff I want before school starts.

Oh yas.