Looking Up

So ever since my hyperthyroid has been addressed, I’m pretty much free to be my nice self again(whatever that means), seek God, enjoy life and the rest of my holidays.

Just a thankful tally so far:

  1. That I got my hyperthyroid – pretty much thankful for my body acting up on my behalf to express my stress for me and getting some space because of it
  2. That my hyperthyroid is being treated and is stabilising
  3. For friends – who still love me and didn’t call me out even though I wasn’t the best company and was a crabby poop (before I knew and got treated for my relapse)
  4. God for really seeing me through everything and is building me up again both physically and spiritually
  5. New seasons
  6. Getting a short freelance editorial stint which is a kind of a dream for me
  7. Doing a whole lot of recreation over the hols

God is truly good. He always has been, and He always is, and He always will be. There’s no getting round that. Honestly.

Closing the chapter of my overseas exchange and settling back into life here, I haven’t always been the best example of taking joy in trials or counting my blessings. But this season of recovery really gave me the time and space to recalibrate and to come before God to seek Him first again. The Holy Spirit moved quietly in me and as I carried on my day-to-day life, I was suddenly made aware that there were some things I did, some thoughts I had and some attitudes and habits I never considered a big deal, that displeased him.

For starters, I was not treating people right; I was not loving them or forgiving them as He had loved and forgiven me, as He had shown me.

My medical condition aside, I found myself getting angry at a friend, judging and condemning because I didn’t think that the way she was behaving was right. I got frustrated because she wouldn’t tell me why she was acting the way she did. I only saw the action (which I disagreed with) and judged her for that, instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt and being fair to her for having personal reasons (which she does not owe me anyway). I dunno. I could point fingers and say that her actions caused me to stumble etc. but what she’s doing isn’t the point; it’s what I’m doing, what I’m thinking. And I know I’ve done it before, all the time. And I’d been so humbled before because of what I didn’t know and judged anyway. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to judge because I think I’m better. If anything, I want to judge, not in the sense of condemning someone, but in love and out of love for the person. I want to point out and correct them based on God’s standard, in which he called for the body of the church to be accountable to each other, to teach, rebuke, correct and train in righteousness using the His word. There’s no use for me loving somebody without wisdom, though. I don’t even know where to start. But before I do anything, I needed to get my heart right with God.

I was also being suspicious and distrustful of my friends. I felt that they were cunning and hung out with me for vested interest (such a high opinion I had of myself. as if I have anything worth hanging around for vested interest). Ok, that came out a bit strong. Not to that extent but still. And I couldn’t be nice to them because of these strange thoughts.

Plus, I was also not being very nice or respectful to my parents.

I hope I don’t lose any friends after writing this. It’s probably not you that I’m writing about, and anyway, the point is my heart and it’s attitudes.

God also convicted me about what I was doing with my gifts, and ultimately my life.

So I love to write. I can’t do without it. And I love to conjure up stories. But sometimes I write or come up with stories that, I don’t know, I think is beautiful and has some artistic value, although the morals of the content are slightlyyyy questionable. And I don’t think much about it. Because it’s art, right? And art has a free license. Art is art. It can be controversial but that’s cos it’s art. It’s saying something.

Well, it isn’t saying something right, I suppose. I don’t know. I know, theoretically, that you’re suppose to use your gifts, the gifts that God gave you, for His glory. That’s only right. It’s only fair. But can’t I use it for His glory plus other things? Like, for my enjoyment? Like, artistically and purely so?

Sigh.

Also, when I write, I use either the faces and personas of movie stars both in and out of character or the real life people that are around me. I haven’t been using real life people for a while now; my movie stars are basically my stock characters for whatever it is I’m writing. And that’s good and bad. Because I had a long struggle with this, especially when I used real life people. Much fantasising which leads to a lot of idolatry and other less-than-healthy/desirable thoughts and emotions. Movie stars are better than the real life ones which are too close for comfort, but honestly, the idolatry, though. I’m such a sucker for pretty people. It’s something I’ve struggled with every stage of my life and I think it’s something I will always be struggling with, the thorn in my side, the sin that I will always be up against most of my life.

Not going through any particular fevers with anybody as of now, but just something I want to get off my chest while I’m still with a clear mind. When I get those lovesick fevers I take a while to get back to focusing on God. It’s not something I like, it’s really where the flesh and spirit fight for me.

I needed help, and by the looks of everything I’d written, I needed lots of it. I narrowed in on a couple of areas whenever God prompted me.

I need to be humble. I was so proud, of what, I don’t know. I didn’t want God to humble me because that’s always painful but I want to be humble.

I want to love people more, more than I do now, more than myself. I want a soft heart and a gentle spirit, instead of the hard, apathetic one I have now. I want a love for people so that I can help them, so that God can use me.

I want wisdom, because, as you can tell, my future is in shambles. I have no direction, only dreams. And not all of them have God in them. I want wisdom to live and to walk where God wants me to.

I want to have the strength to glorify Him regardless of my situations, and in everything I do. I want to have that strength to walk with Him closely every single day, to pray, to seek Him first, to die to myself.

I want to know His word, like really sit down and memorise what He has said, what He has promised, what He’s like. I don’t just want to know it’s important. I want to steel down and know it for myself, to prepare myself for the storms while I’m still in a relatively peaceful season.

So these are the things I’m working on, the things God has brought to light Himself for me to commit them back to Him and for His use. Some parts are easier than others and God is already working in me.

He has been speaking to me through my devos, and the Holy Spirit has been residing over my prayer times because they are suddenly very focused and I know exactly what and how to pray. Very much heart to heart with God. He has been giving the peace and patience I have always wanted. It’s not perfect, of course, but it’s a much needed change of heart, so that I can keep practicing it and perfect it. He has given me encouragement and affirmation through the words and sharing of my friends and I do so treasure their love so much.

It’s still an uphill task, definitely, but the Lord is for me and not against me, He is bigger than my fears and sins and He has already won for me. It is such a comfort for me.

That’s the start of my new season with God. I love new seasons because their so fresh and new and exciting but I hope I can walk with Him all the way.

In other breaking news, I got a short stint editing a piece of work which I can’t say much about yet. It was fun and it was really such a God-given opportunity for me to try my hand at what I hope is part of my future (not just freelance, but editing, fiction, at that). It was a good experience and I am thankful for that.

Aside from meeting friends, the rest of my days are filled with reading, writing, singing and working out, with the occasional cooking. Life.

Bought a bunch of new books lately cos I haven’t been reading much and now I feel like doing book reviews to make me read deeper.

Updating my WP and writing whatever fictional scraps that sometimes hit me. Also working on my book (don’t choke), the book that may be my debut, that I have to write because I have to publish at least one before I die and live to see it’s fame and remakes as movies and musicals.

Singing my heart out because my dad bought me a mic for my big two one! I did all the research and he pretty much just handed me his credit card hahaha. I’ve been testing it out around the room and trying to crash course on how to mix and master my tracks. That’s the hard part, but it’s fun all the same.

Also been trying to lead a healthy lifestyle because that’s what living independently does to you. You become so aware of what you put into your body and how you’re responsible for your health. Been trying to follow this workout plan and everything and it’s ok so far because it’s still at the weight training phase which I like. I don’t follow the diet regulations, though, and I don’t have some of the machines in the gym. So. On best effort basis.

Since I came back, I cooked a total of three times. After I unearthed this dinosaur of a blender, I went and blended myself a pancake mix with oats, bananas and eggs. I put some peanut butter in it too. It was ok. It looked like meat though. Then I made a burger lunch for brother, like how I used to. Bread, leaf, cheese, beef, egg, bread. It was so big and overflowing which means it was a good burger. Too much salt in the beef cos the first taste was a mite bland. Coupled it with sweet potato fries which were delish except that I don’t think I want to use the oven again after it short circuited the house. The third time I cooked was the most successful. I made coffee pork ribs for the fam plus my grandparents and it was pretty good, prolly cos I made it once before so it wasn’t that foreign. Yay, achievement unlocked. Don’t know what else I can cook now that their expectations are  so high haha. I make a mean porridge, though, if they’re interested.

Also, I’m now on the 40 Days prayer thingamajig the church does like 40 days before national day and it calls for a kind of fast. I can’t do food fasts but I thought I’d fast on social media. Like, not WP but Facebook and Insta for a bit. Just to declutter and refocus. Stuff.

Gah, so much to catch up on but I foresee that this will be the trend for the rest of the hols. Yay joy.

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