new fear

that i will be so used to this sin that it stops becoming such a big deal to me and i lead my double/pretend lives which only God can see but I don’t care anymore

i am a saul. i am a saul. i say one thing, the good thing, the right thing, but i do the sordid in disguise. the lord became his enemy and saul fell on his sword and took his own life.

How can one live if even God becomes his enemy

i am simon, the magician, and ananias and sapphira. i see the signs and wonders and believe but i keep a little corner of my life to myself apart from God. they say simon died horribly. ananias and sapphira were struck dead on the spot.

Because my God will not be mocked.

stand firm stand firm not only in the morning, but at noon and at night so that you might stand firm the whole day, then tomorrow, and the next day. then you might stand firm always despite everything. 

it doesnt matter what your intentions were the whole day, if you kept clean the whole 20 hours out of 24. the one minute you fall, you fall. they trickle into hours, much fewer than your 20 good intentioned hours, but they spoil everything.

wars arent fought and won on a grand scale of months, weeks or even days. When it comes down to it, it’s who you bowed to in that one minute that determines if you live or die again.

Dead today. Will try to live tomorrow. And hopefully, hopefully not on my own.

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sos

help

turning into mush

i sincerely wish that everytime i write or meet people it will not be consistently of me breaking down or being in some sort of trouble

it wasn’t going to be

itwasn’tgoingtobeitwasn’tgoingtobeiswear

(just to be clear i had a great birthday. i had a great internship. i wanted to talk about these great things. but the static on this wave is drowning them out)

i have a chronic problem

because sin

im sorry

just read a testimony of my friend pulling out of a her own season of struggle and headed for a mission trip now and im just so touched/blessed at the place where she is writing from, a sinner saved by grace and being so humbled by God’s grace despite her weaknesses, and what am i doing with my life

it amazes me how man can be so aware and exalted to behold the highest realms of truth and beauty and still agree to be enslaved by the lowest of inhumane passions

how

how how

what the hell girl what even

cannot tank

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-20 (NIV)

i dont even know how people can doubt the existence of a spirit man when the war is keen and the struggle is real

ungh god save this soul