new fear

that i will be so used to this sin that it stops becoming such a big deal to me and i lead my double/pretend lives which only God can see but I don’t care anymore

i am a saul. i am a saul. i say one thing, the good thing, the right thing, but i do the sordid in disguise. the lord became his enemy and saul fell on his sword and took his own life.

How can one live if even God becomes his enemy

i am simon, the magician, and ananias and sapphira. i see the signs and wonders and believe but i keep a little corner of my life to myself apart from God. they say simon died horribly. ananias and sapphira were struck dead on the spot.

Because my God will not be mocked.

stand firm stand firm not only in the morning, but at noon and at night so that you might stand firm the whole day, then tomorrow, and the next day. then you might stand firm always despite everything. 

it doesnt matter what your intentions were the whole day, if you kept clean the whole 20 hours out of 24. the one minute you fall, you fall. they trickle into hours, much fewer than your 20 good intentioned hours, but they spoil everything.

wars arent fought and won on a grand scale of months, weeks or even days. When it comes down to it, it’s who you bowed to in that one minute that determines if you live or die again.

Dead today. Will try to live tomorrow. And hopefully, hopefully not on my own.

Won

This post. Took a while in coming together. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. But stuff happened.

And then after stuff happened, it took me another while to sit down and write it all out. Because (sigh) I don’t want those of you who personally know me to notice my appearance more than usual, any more than if I actually talked to you about it, that is.

Hi there. This was suppose to be a friendly post/update on my health and wellness regarding my hyperthyroidism. It really was. It was going to go along the lines of:

So I got fat. Hwahaha.

I had the whole post planned out in my head because I’d found it funny. I’d found it funny that mum and gramma seemed to think that I’d put on some weight when I didn’t think so. I just couldn’t see what they saw. I honestly thought I looked the same. So I didn’t mind that they were fussing over the reading on the scale (which astonished me because it did reflect that I’d gained a bit).

I was fine with it, the gain. Because I really couldn’t see what they were going on about.

They were very insistent though, and they had the scale to prove it. And they began drumming in well-intentioned advice regarding my diet and asking if I had been exercising regularly (which I had been doing by the way. I’d never been so into the whole exercise thing as I had been then).

It finally got to me.

Continue reading “Won”

st ENDS

Was in class today and had a bit of an epiphany. 

So I was sitting behind this girl in French today, and she was wearing this black tee with an odd pattern and letters on the back. It had a kind of a boomerang/ chicken thigh/kidney bean shape with a jagged edge on one side. In the kidney bean were the letters ‘st ENDS’. 

It took me a long while to figure out that it was one of those matchy couple shirts, the kind where you and your bestie wear together so that when you both stand side by side, your shirts would read ‘best FRIENDS’ in the middle of a complete heart where the two boomerangs meet in a zigzag crack. 

And it just made me think; imagine if I didn’t know that the shirt came in pairs,  or that the one shirt was just a half of something else, that it wasn’t complete on its own. 

I would never have known or figured out what it really meant, not with just ‘st ENDS’. I could make up an acronym for it, make meaning out of it, or take it as a random scribble, a spelling mistake. I could rack my brains, running around in circles, trying to make sense of it. But I never will because I don’t have the other half of the picture, I don’t know the other shirt exists. ‘st ENDS’ is my be all end all. Dead end. 

Well, not in this case per so cos I was so genius to have figured it out. Cos it was a t shirt. Lel.

But imagine if it wasn’t just something small like a shirt where I can zoom out pretty easily and catch on. Imagine if it were bigger and people didn’t know that the ‘be FRI’ shirt existed. 

Life’s like that. 

Everyone is wearing a shirt, a full shirt, but only half a message. Everyone is just a ‘st ENDS’. Maybe that’s enough for some people. Maybe for others, that’s just all life is. ‘st ENDS’, whatever that means. Maybe people will marker in their own message, try and make sense of two ‘st ENDS’ shirts put together. 

But it doesn’t work like that. It was never made to a whole message by itself. 

Guess who be wearing the ‘be FRI’ shirt on my life. 

Aye I really can’t say anything else but there’s only one person who is wearing that ‘be FRI’ shirt, only one person who can make sense of all us other ‘st ENDS’ shirts. 

Yas, my Jesus is wearing my best friend shirt. 

Life only makes sense when Jesus is in the picture. In a way, God made the shirts, to show us we belong together. It doesn’t add up with us on our own. He’s trying to show us there’s more to it, that finding the other half will make perfect sense. He gave us a better way, he gave us Jesus, who wears the other half, so that we might have life and have it to the full. Walking alongside Jesus means that we can have that amazing BFF relationship with God, and we can go around loving with a full heart. 

So yes don’t go around on your as just a ‘st ENDS’ in a kidney bean. You’re so much more than that. Life’s too short. And don’t settle on some handmade second best other half of a shirt. Settle for the best. 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 

John 10:10

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 15:5

Alpha Away

Where do I begin?

Why is every other post starting like this? Need to get my head together, this whirlwind, and put this all down somewhere.

Ok, um, ok. I think I got it. I think. So.

Let me try to do this from a new perspective, like from a ‘it’s not all about me’ perspective.

Holy Spirit retreat this weekend. That is, a two day one night thing away from life life to learn more about the Holy Spirit as part of the Alpha course. So I’ve been sporadically going for this thing my church is doing called the Alpha course. It’s basically like Christianity 101 for people who are curious about what the big deal is about God and the Bible and a place where they can ask all their questions. I’m currently in the Youth Alpha, so there are these pretty bite-sized and thought-provoking videos for us every week on different topics like “Who is Jesus?” and stuff like that. We’re somewhere in the middle of the course by now and the topic for the retreat was on the Holy Spirit.

Here are the videos we watched these couple of days. They aren’t very long and it’ll kind of give you some context as to what I’m going on about.

Alpha Youth Episode 8 Who is the Holy Spirit and What Does He do?

Alpha Youth Episode 9 How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit?

Bottom line for me at least:

  • Holy Spirit is a person, that is, it’s a He, not an It
  • He’s equal with the Father and Son persons of the Godhead Trinity
  • He awesome

I’ve always had a confused idea of the Holy Spirit and I still don’t get everything about Him but that’s ok. God is a mystery I’ll spend my whole life figuring out haha. I think the word that throws me off the most is the word ‘spirit’. It makes me think of like, ghosts and stuff. And He is referred to as the Holy Ghost in some translations so He was always like a even more intangible version of the Father-Son image of God. When I pray, I don’t think I even refer to Him in prayers. It’s always ‘Father’ and ‘Jesus’. But I do know that the Holy Spirit is there, He is in me and He is working to change me.

Continue reading “Alpha Away”

Greatest Fear

I have a greatest fear.

My greatest fear is that I will never be enough of a credit to my great God, that all people will ever see are the cracks in the broken vessel that I am and that they’ll miss the saving grace inside. My greatest fear is people missing God because of me.

That’s my greatest fear.

It’s funny, though, that although this is my greatest fear, I still forget myself. I carry myself so carelessly. When the chance comes, I can’t find the words.

Over and over again. My flaws and failures.

You don’t understand how excited I am by someone wanting to know my God. How do I even begin? I’m so excited to share this amazing person with you, so excited that you’re curious about him, that you want to know more.

Don’t you see? If you end up believing Him, you would have escaped eternal damnation and begin a new life with a purpose, with Lord and king. You would be saved. Can you understand the burden I have for you? Because you don’t know Him, we could lose you to hell. You could die. And I love you too much to want that, and can you imagine how much worse it would be for the God who did die for you.

I don’t like to pretend it doesn’t matter to me because it does. A lot. Eternity matters, to me at least. But I have to play it cool, because social etiquette sometimes. No one likes to talk about death, or the afterlife. “As long as I’m a good person right. I don’t deserve hell.” It’s not about being ‘a good person’. It’s so much more. I used to preach fire and brimstone because that was the reality for me. It still is. I don’t want people I know to not go to Heaven. I want to do everything I can to share this wonderful person I know. I don’t preach fire and brimstone now but that urgency is always there and I do want to share so much.

This is why we (or any religion for that matter, some more common than others) have street evangelism. I know people get annoyed by it sometimes and wonder why we do it, why we can’t just respect your status quo. Look at it from our perspective: imagine we’re all on a boat and only we know it’s sinking and only we know where the lifeboats are because we’re the crew. Of course we would want to tell you where it is. We can’t just leave you on the sinking ship. Whether or not you believe the ship is sinking or if the lifeboats are where we say they are or whether you want to get on the lifeboats or not, as the crew, we have to, we must tell you where the lifeboats are. That’s what any decent human being would do, not just religious people. Whether or not we are deluded into thinking something’s a lifeboat or not is a different ball game. So it may be annoying to you, but understand this, we have to at least tell you. It’s honestly our moral obligation.

And yet.

And yet I fear I’m not enough. Too afraid of people, what they might think of me. Too afraid to offend. Too afraid to come across too pushy. Afraid that I might answer questions unconvincingly, or to not be able to answer questions at all. Too afraid of everything.

I profess Christ as my Lord and Saviour and believe that we are all works-in-progress. Christians aren’t perfect. They can’t be. They’re only human. I’m only human.

But sometimes I feel that I have to be perfect for Christ to be seen. How can He deserve anything less?

I know the logic; when I’m weak, then I’m strong. God’s glory and strength and power seen through my human weakness.

But I can’t see anything. I have some better days than others, but why am I always caught out on my bad days? Does it say something about me?

There is a plan, and I know I’m part of it. It’s just too incredible sometimes to think that even though it looks dark on this end, He’s got it covered and sorted. Everything begins and ends with Him.

It’s not something I have to bear alone, this burden. I know, I know it’s a partnership. Methinks I have to lean more and not try to carry it all on my human strength.

Because God is God.