new fear

that i will be so used to this sin that it stops becoming such a big deal to me and i lead my double/pretend lives which only God can see but I don’t care anymore

i am a saul. i am a saul. i say one thing, the good thing, the right thing, but i do the sordid in disguise. the lord became his enemy and saul fell on his sword and took his own life.

How can one live if even God becomes his enemy

i am simon, the magician, and ananias and sapphira. i see the signs and wonders and believe but i keep a little corner of my life to myself apart from God. they say simon died horribly. ananias and sapphira were struck dead on the spot.

Because my God will not be mocked.

stand firm stand firm not only in the morning, but at noon and at night so that you might stand firm the whole day, then tomorrow, and the next day. then you might stand firm always despite everything. 

it doesnt matter what your intentions were the whole day, if you kept clean the whole 20 hours out of 24. the one minute you fall, you fall. they trickle into hours, much fewer than your 20 good intentioned hours, but they spoil everything.

wars arent fought and won on a grand scale of months, weeks or even days. When it comes down to it, it’s who you bowed to in that one minute that determines if you live or die again.

Dead today. Will try to live tomorrow. And hopefully, hopefully not on my own.


If I died on the train this morning

You would know that the last thing on my mind was my upcoming essay

that would never be written anymore.

You’d know because the last thing I had written were in my notes:

‘Establish measure for identity formation’ 30 October 2015, 11.31 am.

And you’d know that I was glad to have been making progress with my essay.

My last spoken words would have been ‘Teh, Dabao.’ Then ‘Xie Xie.’ She would have been the last person I talked to.

My last meal would have been a waffle, with peanut butter generously slathered over the crispy squared wells.

The last traces I had left behind would have been a great irony. I left behind a neat dorm room with my bed all made and the floor swept. I would have left tidily.

The last song I would have sung was the tenor two part of Pentatonix’s ‘Cheerleader’ with the acapella group last night. At least we’d finish it. Our group still doesn’t have a name, and I would never know what they’d pick or what they would sing next.

The last thing I would have laughed about was over my bad accents with my roommate last night.

The last thing I would have read was Alvin Pang’s ‘Candles’. My roommate and I did a reading. It was funny.

The last thing I would have properly written was a poem to a very stressed out friend.

The last email I would have received was a short one liner notification from a reader prompting me to continue my fanfiction.

The last dream I would have had was of being a G.I Joe rescuing Orla Fallon from a war concentration camp.

The last piece I would have played on the piano would have been Matt Redman’s ‘Endless Hallelujah.’

The last verse I would have read was John 20:30-31. It had been the verse of the day.

If I had died on the train this morning

I would have missed the bachelorette’s dinner we were throwing for our cousin tonight.

I would have missed tomorrow’s band practice and music ministry day.

I would have missed the wushu competition.

I would have missed serving on Sunday.

I would have missed all the exams till December.

I would have missed the end of semester barbecue.

I would have missed the acapella practices on Thursdays.

I would have missed Christmas and all the partying that happens at Christmas.

I would have missed my overseas exchange the next year.

I would have missed out on love. I would have missed out on life.

I would have missed out.

So many things would suddenly become so important

If I died on the train this morning.

You would know all that I’d left behind,

you could still pick up the pieces

but I would never know

if I died on the train this morning

if I died,

would you cry?