Spew

I feel like it’s time to write (and then not really because it’s already past 12 and not the most ideal time to start spewing thoughts).

Condensed thoughts:
How I really need to sink my roots deep and drink in from the streams of living water because I need to be nourished to nourish and grow and bless. Not enough nourishment=keeping all the good stuff for self-preservation=not enough to give and love people.

Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers. 

Psalm 1:1-3

How to be planted? Meditate on his law day and night. Actually intentionally spend time with this person I claim to be my Lord and God and savior and whom I pledge love and devotion to. Actions, actions.

Fixing my heart and mind on the heavenly and spiritual things. Away from all the worldly thing and desires of my own heart.

I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a tension about this. Spirit and flesh having one of those tug of war things again, and not necessarily about my destiny either. Spirit is holding out but the flesh is putting up a struggle in its losing fight. It’s tired, even on the winning side. And sometimes the line smudges and I trip a little but it’s all good because I come back at the end of the day. Still feeling vulnerable-ish. Like I’ll fall at any wind that blows by. But not yet anyhows.

Everyone was sharing their testimonies at cell this week and it was really refreshing because for once, not everyone started with “I grew up in church”. It’s so good to see how God draws different people to Himself and to hear their own experiences with Him. It’s just great. I usually don’t like these “how did you meet God” things because I never had that pin drop moment where God became super clear to me/ I accepted Him at this certain point in my life and then my whole world changed. My story isn’t dramatic. It’s not even a story; it just happened and I’m still in the process. Sometimes, I’m kind of envious about other people’s great story but I know that everyone has their own struggles and stuff. And it’s interesting because I felt like my story was just something archaic/fixed in the past and just something to share when people asked me. I’ve formulated my testimony and I wonder what else I missed in keeping my testimony short and story like, and questioning myself why I chose to mention certain things over others.

Surprised at how much this sentiment, “don’t think that because your parents are Christian, you automatically become a Christian too”, was so strong in shaping my journey. I hate hearing this as I was growing up because it negates all of my thoughts and experience with God in one sweeping generalization, in that it’s not mine. My walk was not my own. It was my parents’. So undermining. I understood where it was coming from, of course, but as someone who was actually questioning if I really did believe God for myself (and whether for the right reasons at that), this just riled me. Not all of us want to ride on our parents’ walk with God ok. Not everyone thinks like that. I wanted God for myself, to know Him myself and to make this walk mine. I don’t know why this defined me so much. So much I left out but I guess it’s because the walk isn’t finished and I’m still learning so.

After the sermon on our destinies, there was an altar call and a few of us lost and clueless twenty somethings went up together. I was wondering what I ought to pray, what I wanted, what I should tell the prayer lady when she came to me. Turns out I didn’t have to tell her anything, she just went and did her thing. The word was that I needed to slow down and re-look at my priorities (which was surprising because I thought I was already very slow moving lol). And I went and offered up what I had been intending to pray for: mostly direction in the 101 ministries and open doors, direction career wise (eek), and above all, to know His will for me, to want His will for me and to have the courage to follow Him in it. Don’t want to be faithful without purpose. Don’t want to have purpose but not be faithful to it. I feel like I’m both zzz.

I went up there to get prayed for, not really so much of the expectation that bam, God speaks to me and tells me something like “gurl, you gonna be a ____” or “do this and this” even though I did go up to pray about my destiny and stuff like that. How shall I say it… the general sense I got after it all was that I may not know the plans per se but I know the one who is planning my life, and maybe at that moment, that’s all I needed to know, that’s what God saw fit to give me in that point of time to meet my worries. I know what it’s like having to make big life changing decisions and wanting to honor God in that decision by choosing what He wants. I know what it’s like to pray about it and then not hear anything, or anything specific in what He wants you to do. It’s frustrating, especially if you gotta make decisions NOW. After all, the Bible doesn’t tell you what job you should take and what schools you should go to and who you should marry etc. But I dunno, silence/non answers doesn’t mean you stop praying about it. It doesn’t mean for me to stop seeking God about it, or that I shouldn’t even try because I won’t get an answer. I pray for loads of things and God doesn’t give me all of them but that doesn’t mean I stop praying to Him when I want or need something. I feel like, just going to Him, even out of a want or need, shows that you still recognize who has the power and who is the Giver of stuff. And maybe it is through prayer as a process that helps you get a clearer picture about God’s POV and how you should move on from there. Maybe it’s not a matter of getting an answer but the changing of your heart and POV to be able to see that this certain answer makes sense. I dunno.

Pray without ceasing.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Still difficult to do and sometimes I don’t want to pray about decisions because sometimes I don’t hear anything and I just end up doing whatever I want. So I dunno, it’s still a bit of a question mark for me. But God has revealed decisions to me, almost never straight out, but very slowly, and sometimes not at all. But my job, at least, is to come to Him with it in the first place, and let Him be God and do His god thing at the expense of my frustration because He doesn’t meet my human expectations. Ha.

Strange space of talking to loads of people at once and wanting to be so emotionally invested in all of them (and I am, really) but I dunno how good a friend I’m actually being to them. Please don’t mind me friends. Thanks.

Not as condensed as I might have liked but it’ll do for now ugh.

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