so what did i miss

Hello.

Back from the dead.

But I didn’t want to say it so loud yet in case I jinxed things.

I don’t actually know how I got here.

I got tired of myself and falling into a sin I didn’t want to keep anymore. It still took me a while to kick it though, because I’d still turn to it just for hecks. So I had to be intentional about it. Just not. Going there.

I don’t know when the turn happened. All I knew was that I was ready to be rid of it and was getting serious about kicking it so I stopped feeling hypocritical when I prayed. Great start.

Also, a lot of things happening, moving in the Spirit. Things to do. That I realise I can’t be down and out now. There are just too many things to do.

God things, of course. And I need to be on the same page with God to be able to do them.

I’m feeling a holy burden. For exactly what, I can’t say yet. But it feels like it’s something to do with prayer. The thing with holy burdens is that you want to do so much at once and you want to do it now and also I’m scared of the possibly many obstacles and discouragements along the way. But it’s so heavy. I feel a fire starting somewhere.

Actually, I feel like there’s a fire started somewhere already in my community, in my country. Just needs to catch a blaze. Fan fan.

I prayed for my cousin today. And I’m really proud of that, not because of me but because I was working onboard with God. Like, I felt Him prompting me in my Spirit to do it. And it happened. And I didn’t chicken out. Praise the Lord~

Nothing extremely spectacular followed per se, as it always seems to in testimonies. It was more of a big deal for me and the act of praying for somebody, a testimony of God for His strength in allowing me to do that for someone I love, than anything else.

She was really touched and I just felt that something beautiful happened there and then. It was just a moment but I felt that God was there and He did do something, however small, revealing His heart and love for people. And I felt she was moved, not by my prayer (lel nervous so I missed out some points here and there) but that I was praying for her, the gesture of prayer itself.

Rediscovering the privilege of prayer. Feeling that we don’t do it as often as if should, to intercede for people, as we are called to do as a chosen people and priesthood. Sure, we do it in our prayer closets at home, and we should do that, but I think it’s time to take it to the marketplace. Take God to the marketplace. Don’t tell people what to believe, show them. Pray for them. It can’t hurt. That’s what Jesus was on about anyway, going to the cracks of society to meet their needs and show them His love for them. That’s what draws people to God – how His love meets them where they are.

Of course, it scares me, the marketplace. I don’t even dare to pray for my own family members like that, ripe harvest in my own backyard.

But I wasn’t scared today, like I usually am. I think because God was very clear in wanting me to do this thing and I wanted the same. And it happened. It’s quite cool. He helped me overcome myself, like not to think or worry so much, not being anxious about what my cousin might think, and to not care about anything being awkward (greatest arch nemesis ever). Really felt this supernatural peace, that this is right and good in God’s sight to do and it will be done and I’m just literally His hands and feet. I just hope I’ll be able to do the same with other things, obey His call in the marketplace. It’s usually a big (scary) deal for me, sharing God in the marketplace. I think it always is for a lot of people.

Busy week ahead. Teaching cell and doing worship on the same week wew. Literally cannot life until after church on Sunday akdsnakln.

Then again, this is the life. Better busy in God’s house than letting the devil do his work with idle hands.

And for my sin… it will be the proverbial thorn in my side which I shall contend with until I die I think. Retreated back under the carpet for now. Only hope its relapse won’t be that messy. Ungh it consumed me for three months. Have to make up for lost time now.
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Precious – Don’t Doubt

I think I was more precious when I was far far away.

Hi guys. So. I’m home, back from my overseas exchange. It’s been a week. Home sweet home…to a certain extent. Something has changed, I think. I’ve made and left a bit of a home in the UK, and now I’m trying to get used to the one I’d left.

Just slightly, slightly suffocated by the weather and the people.

The weather tho. It had been positively stifling the first day I came back. It still is. The air is so thick. I broke out into some sort of a heat rash. I didn’t even go out of the house and had to take something like three showers in the day. Still trying to get used to this weather.

And then there’s the people, mostly mah fam.

No offence, I really do love my folks, but lately I’m finding them just a fraction…too much. I think it’s just having to get used to living with them again. It’s trying.

I was so happy when they came to the UK to pick me up. They’d cabbed all the way to my residence and pretty much showed up on my doorstep. Tears of joy. I still love that feeling, that memory, of missing someone and having them fly all the way there. And then showing them around, how I’d been living. That was fun.

But, I dunno. We came back, and suddenly I’m in a house full of people that I have to be accountable to, people who are close enough to run my life and can take me for granted again. I have no doubt they love me. But still. Feeling rather second best.

No space to be me.

I did learn to be somewhat independent and get on living by myself that I find being accountable to so many people stifling. There’s no other word, it’s stifling. It’s funny, when I went, I was worried about being a grown up because I was always the child that was being taken care of. And now, I’m back, I don’t want to be a child anymore. I had thought it a privilege, a luxury to be a child. And it was. But I’m outgrowing it. And it’s uncomfortable. I never thought’d I want to outgrow it.

Here, I have to take up all these roles again. I can’t just be me as an individual and do what I want. I have responsibilities that encroach on me and drive me into corners and boxes. People are imposing on me and that would have been fine if I wasn’t aware of it, but I am now. And it’s not to say that I shouldn’t have responsibilities. I should, it’s only right, and I do. It’s just getting used to that difference of being responsible for yourself being amplified to include a whole lot of other people.

I think the biggest load on my shoulders now is to be a considerate daughter. The weight of being eldest child who is trying not to fall behind.

So I just turned 21. Like a legal adult. And my whole professional future is flashing before my eyes.

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