all other ground is sinking sand

in one of those feeling empty places

still on the surface but rocky underneath

not rocky, uncomfortable

melancholic

i don’t. even want to scribe it. because putting it into words means it exists. and i can’t even find the right ones.

it’s not that big a deal. nothing bad happened. it’s just one of those times in your lives where you happen to feel a bit like a nothing. in a what am i doing with my life way.

not even looking at it from a where do i go from here immediate future way which has been occupying a bit of my mind.

i don’t want to give it a name. or to say/write it.

just that. hmm. i wanna. be. more. like. more.

what’s important to be more of.

want a different life but wanting it from the outside so not sure if that’s what i want. and. don’t think i could pull that kind of life off anyways. hence the melancholia.

how do people do it.

how are they so balanced and mature and silly and sane all at once. why. am. i. not.

which also begs the question. why do i want to be. so badly. besides that it is good. but i doubt myself for wanting it simply because it is good.

is it double conscious i suspect it’s double conscious. ungh.

because i’m sure i’m making progress. and growing. just that. um. only i know, i guess. and God. maybe friends. but not the world. i think it bothers me that the world doesn’t notice. but i think i might die under the world caring because double consciousness. i think God may never let the world notice me because i’m too vain and i will forget Him. not strong enough for that. really admire the people who are, though.

i know. God knows. friends know. fam know. that should be enough. gotta find that. contentment. in the important things. from the important people.

ok this is good. sifting thoughts through layers. moving the still waters to get someplace. kind of liberating writing in bits and pieces. kind of stifling in not being able to write everything explicitly. not that i want to. i don’t think i want to. if i can unclog myself without, then it’s fine.

maybe i’m mourning for what i could have been, what i could never be. but also. hopeful. maybe what i could be. somehow somewhere.

these words kept looping in my head the past few weeks, not intentionally, just that i find myself arriving at the same words, the same sentiments when I open my mouth to pray and i can’t find the words except this sigh from the abyss of my heart:

oh God, all I have is you. and then. all I need is you. 

(lel always cringey to read thoughts to God like this with it being three/four times removed but oh wells it is what it is just being reals)

because life is too unpredictable. and i realise that i have literally zero control over my life. and i have nothing. i have nothing. i know nothing. not even myself. i only have God. i only know God.

and the follow up on that thought is, well, that should be enough for me. and it is enough for me, whether i know it or not.

getting rambly but amidst me in my general lostness which was exacerbated here, there was a good word today about calling, God’s calling and keeping my ears out for it. basically, if you wanna know what God’s calling you to do, you have to know who God is first, so that you can recognise His voice out of the world’s noise. and i felt that to be true in general period of lostness. just felt the tug to sit and pray for a bit some time this past week. still sitting and praying. pray ceaselessly.

also just watched a random video on the suggested list while writing this (much distracted I know) which. made me feel much better. it was so random, I’m so surprised it was suggested how did it get there. but felt like it was what I needed quite specifically. hmm. so cools.

ok feel so much better now. so good to get all that up and out here. thought about it, emoted about it, prayed/praying about it. time to put it out of my mind and think no more about it (fave Huck Finn reference I used this in year 1 and I love this). at least, until the next existential life crisis lelel which I hope will not strike soon in the near future. we will. see.

wonder if I’ll look back on this and be completely lost because I left things so vague. should i leave a clue for myself hmm hmm.

Advertisements

Schooled

First week of school. Learnt so many things. All the transferable analogies to God. And the occasional purely academic interesting stuff. Gonna just dump it all here. Cocktail of everything. It gets better. But in case it doesn’t, you have been warned.

That Chinese illustration lunchtime seminar

Value of Chinese Illustrations of animals in medical texts, specifically the bencao gangmu

Evaluating Chinese Illustrations in itself

  • The artistic style of the time was that of abstract art. Stylistically, abstract art more valued which may explain the less literal/detailed drawings
  • Illustrators were not the actual scientists/doctors studying the animals; they usually just copy from other traditional texts or draw from the text as a supplement
  • The text was not written to include illustrations; people considered the text comprehensive enough. The illustrations came later. Words were valued more than illustrations
  • The medium of drawing was used for other purposes eg. adverts, erotic text
  • Had the existing tradition of drawing mythical animals 
  • There were illustrations of animals in other medical texts that were more accurate

Disclaimer: Shorthand bullet points taken half asleep from some seminar by some chap whom I’ve forgotten the name. Don’t quote anything. I just think it’s interesting. A bit. 

Drawing

2 ways of seeing

Recognising

  • Logical (cannot recognise -> see nothing/change the way you see things -> incorrect seeing = incorrect drawing)
  • Memory
  • Objects
  • “Something”

Observing

  • Lines
  • Shapes
  • Colours
  • “Nothing”

Drawings tell you which way you are seeing from/ no good or bad drawing

I just think this is a really cool analogy to reading the Bible.

Most of the time, we read the Bible with preconceived notions, trying to fit God and the Bible into our sense of logic, morality and expectations of what we think God should be like. And when it doesn’t fit, when God offends our sensibilities and doesn’t meet our expectations, He suddenly becomes impossible to exist.

For example, “A good God can’t exist because a good God wouldn’t let bad things happen to good people.” That’s our logic talking. We do see things happening around us, but we tie it to our own ideas of what’s good and bad, and draw patterns for what we see in a fairly logical way.

But look closer. Observe. How is God working in and through these people in these circumstances? What are the blobs of colour that don’t seem to make up a picture you can recognise?

Learn to see to learn to draw

Learn to read the Bible to learn to reproduce it/live like Christ. Your life could be the only Bible someone reads.

Contemporary Literature

Just toying with things like subjective morality and no morality = no free will. Or vice versa. 

Multiple truths and narratives in a world turning to science to rationalise and deal with the uncertainty of everything.

Writing our own narratives.

But isn’t multiple narratives a way of rationalisation too?

What stops you from killing another human being?

The law? Jail? No, those are only consequences of murder. 

What stops you, as a human, from killing another human being?

You could, you know. I don’t reckon it’s hard nowadays. But what stops you?

Conscience maybe. Or religion (and here I baulked because behind “my religion tells me so” is a whole ‘nother school of theology about being created and who owns life and sin and all that shebang. feel slightly miffed to just shove it under ‘religion’. maybe other religions say different things. i’d like to know).

Prof hopes we like the texts. He believes in letting the texts speak for themselves instead of constantly referring to the context of history and author’s background. Context is fine and dandy, and truth be told, we can impress any lens and reading on any texts if we tried hard enough, but he wants us to let the texts breathe and I think, in a way, not come at it from “outside”.

Reference to the drawing lesson.

Bible is one dubious piece(s) of literature. Is it true/real in that did these things happen? What is it’s history? Is it authentic?

Maybe we’ll never know. But in going around all that context, how about letting the Bible actually breathe and explain itself? It would be a pity to never read it just because of never knowing/believing how it came about. In looking for some things in the context (which does have value in and of itself), you might be missing out on what the texts actually wants to say, which also has value in other areas.

Early American Literature

Just impressed that people used to have a map with Jerusalem in the centre of the world and the other countries around it because of the priority of God owning the world and people respecting that at some point in recent human history. 

And just watching revivals swell and fade in that time.


Ok, brain dumped.

This is fun but I don’t know if I’ll have time to do this again.

Also want to brain dump various cells/sermons/Bible studies but unghh will it happen I wonder

it took a zombie apocalypse

It’s late but I feel like I need to write anyways for better or for worse.

Let me just back up till Monday.

Friends are my pockets of comfort zones. I really appreciate them when I realise they are people I can be around without any pressure of having to prove myself in any way (except maybe that I’m a nice person and not overly weird or lame I usually keep that for later). Sorry, this is introverted me dealing with group work. Group work can be fun and great, especially if you need help because there are people to help you. What I don’t like about it is the whole trust building thing, and having to constantly prove that you are worth your salt and are pulling your weight. I keep comparing myself to others, worrying about whether I contributed as much as other people and whether I’m being obnoxious or overbearing in any way (I’m usually not, I’m usually the too-quiet one and so I worry about them thinking I don’t pull my weight). And also trying to not make anyone mad or annoyed by me. Just because. I dunno.

They say double consciousness (ie seeing yourself as how other people see you) is an extension from self consciousness (don’t really know what this is) but I’ve been living in double consciousness my whole life lel.

I never thought the day would come where this verse would apply to me:

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Matthew 6:24

Materialistic girl walking.

I never thought I would have a bone to pick with money. It just seemed like the least, weakest evil to fight with because it was so physical and material and external. I thought the hardest enemies to fight would be all in my head.

When it comes down to it, can I actually just not money.

What do I want. What do you want.

Ok, maybe I know what you want. But I’m still ungh about wanting what you want. Ungh.

Time to live the frugal life. It’s not that I absolutely need the moolah. It just means I have to cut back a bit on my lifestyle. Not impossible, but unghhhhhhh.

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

James 4:6

I had been humbled.

Moving on.

Walking to the train station on this unbearably hot afternoon and then the clouds came to cover the sun all the way until I reach the station.

And the whole walk there I was just amazed at how good God is.

And it dawned on me that God is crazy to love me, love us like this. I’m not talking about the weather. I’m saying He’s crazy to even care, to actually bother about me, how I feel, what I want, what I think. Me. Dust of the earth. Dust out of the millions of other dust of the earth (all dat people).

And He doesn’t have to. God, He’s God for crying out loud. Let’s get real. The reality is the created has no say, has no right, has nothing to leverage with his creator. Nothing. The creator doesn’t need to care. He doesn’t need to to do anything according to his little creation.

The fact that he does, the fact that Jesus wept with Mary even though He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead like two minutes later, the fact that He allots us that agency to be an entity in ourselves and respects that, and cares about that, even though He’s God… I’m sorry, that’s crazy. God, You’re crazy.

And it’s not because I’m worth anything for Him to love. There’s this idea that since the Lover loves the Beloved, it is the Beloved who has power over the Lover. Look at all the lovesick boys chasing the girls who got it all together. The loved has power over the lover, right?

Not even. We have nothing worth loving like that. Even if we had anything at all, definitely not enough to demand the love of God. The point is, God, God, allows Himself to love us (and allowing Himself to be hurt over us) is really just… why would you even do that? That’s foolish, a foolish love. That’s stupid.

I’m just amazed. I’m blown away.

Jesus is loving with a stupid love because He is loving me, a nothing.

 I can’t understand this love that keeps me alive, that keeps my heart beating. It is the least beneficial love for Him. He makes Himself vulnerable and lost so much to save me.

Stupid love. Beautiful love. Pure love.

A love, for once, that’s not based on what you can get out of it, that’s not about you. You have everything to lose but love anyway.

Lastly.

It took a zombie apocalypse for me to realise how much You did on that cross for me.

Drama class this week, we did body voting on moral dilemmas. It was an experience, that’s for sure.

We came across this dilemma:

You’re in a zombie apocalypse. You have the vaccine to the zombie virus in your blood, but to extract it for the possibility of a cure, you will have to die a slow and painful death to stop the virus from spreading. Will you give yourself up for the vaccine?

A good number of us drifted to the “Yes” side, the mentality being that:

  • since I was going to die anyway, might as well save the world
  • I’d be recognised as a hero

Some of us didn’t catch it being a slow and painful death and after repeating the question, they edged to the “No” side a bit more before pleading for a quick and painless death. The “No” people were like “it’s only a possibility of a cure”.

This is exactly what Jesus did on that cross and I’m only getting it now because apparently a zombie apocalypse is more relatable and real a scenario for me to empathise with. It’s funny cos we were talking about defamiliarization and alienation in epic theatre that lesson, that is, staging something that helps us see the thing for what it is with new eyes and perspectives because our reactions have been so habitualised that we lose it. It’s like seeing stuff for the first time again, making the stone “stony”.

Zombie apocalypse totally did it for me. Seeing Calvary with new eyes.

Jesus gave himself up to give us a cure. And His stakes were much much higher:

  • He didn’t do it because He was going to “die anyway”. He came down for that very purpose of dying to give us the vaccine. Imagine if the zombie thing was only limited to a country, and the person with the vaccine in his blood purposefully went there to die for that country. It’s not as if he was there all along and he just did it as a by the way thing. No, He took the flight to get there. To die.
  • He died as a criminal. A criminal. When he was innocent. Dying as a hero, maybe the best way to die. Even if you went uncredited, it would still be ok. But dying as a criminal, when you’re innocent. Dang, the levels of humiliation. The worst way to go.
  • Slow and painful death – check. On a cross, death by asphyxiation.
  • To add to all that, the people He was going to help vaccinate against the virus didn’t like Him. They weren’t His friends. Maybe for friends and family, people you cared about, you might die for them. But would you do it for your enemies, for people you don’t like or can’t stand, for people who don’t believe you exist? As far as I’m concerned, they can all become zombies with me. But no. Jesus died to vaccinate people who hated Him, people who would never acknowledge His existence. He did it for everyone, before they realised they were all zombies and needed a vaccine.
  • And it’s only a possibility of a cure. Not that the vaccine won’t work, but that not everyone would take it for it to work. Not everyone would believe it works, it cures, and that’s the possibility He had to take. That He could die in vain. That He could die, with the vaccine sitting there in vats in a lab, and no one injects themselves with it and everyone becoming zombies.

Throughout the whole thing, it showed me I had a lot of morals to work on. And I question whether I would really be as altruistic to those I voted nobly when it came down to it. And also the double consciousness of not doing what I said/voted I would or vice versa.

Thoughts for only half a week/three days. Enough to last a whiles.

clink

completely uninspired to life at the moment zzz. and by that, I mean that this 3.5k essay due in 2 weeks is not happening ungh doom doom. just wanna sit around and talk to people about life without living mine. donch know where this is going.

last night I dreamt that Julie Andrews was my mum and Carol Burnett was my long-lost aunt and we had like a lunch together or something and had fun and laughed and I was so happy I had Carol for an aunt. And I told her I thought Harvey was cute and she laughed. also I wasn’t me. I was some little girl with brown hair and blue eyes. I was white. not that it bothered me much. because I was still me inside. someone has been putting up new Carol sketches which may or may not explain these dreams. not complaining tho.

living life only half conscious of late. just drifting by everything and doing things without thinking.

dripped some water onto my computer and now the mouse moves by itself like its possessed so I’ve been using brother’s the whole week. I’m pretty sure I dripped water on it before and it recovered after the water evaporated but it didn’t work out this time even after I hairdried it. death by careless owner. tragic.

need to write chapter nine of fanfic before I reach one year mark of not updating in three months. all the numbers.

bought this huge ass humongous poncho from uniqlo and I love the hobo feels. gonna wrap myself up in it wherever.

watched and fevered over Sense and Sensibility by Emma Thompson and gang. it was real yummy. then went on a Thompson spree and skimmed her in Wit where there are too many feels. watch it.

had an interview last week and it was really fun. I talked so much and I felt so validated when I left and then I looked back on what just happened and got hit by so much cringe. but it was fun. so. I think it just feels nice to be able to talk and tell people about yourself and have them be really interested in you. even if only economical. but I don’t think they were just being economical.

also played some question card game for leaders retreat where we went straight into conversations about our opinions and things we cared about in pairs. I asked questions on white lies and school, tattoos and the moon. my partner asked about make up and God and other stuff I can’t remember now. that was fun too.

had really good conversations with people I don’t usually talk to where I just sat and listened and actually cared. refreshing. good week. good weekend. busy week. busy weekend.

thoughts to the metaphorical proverbial penny.