new fear

that i will be so used to this sin that it stops becoming such a big deal to me and i lead my double/pretend lives which only God can see but I don’t care anymore

i am a saul. i am a saul. i say one thing, the good thing, the right thing, but i do the sordid in disguise. the lord became his enemy and saul fell on his sword and took his own life.

How can one live if even God becomes his enemy

i am simon, the magician, and ananias and sapphira. i see the signs and wonders and believe but i keep a little corner of my life to myself apart from God. they say simon died horribly. ananias and sapphira were struck dead on the spot.

Because my God will not be mocked.

stand firm stand firm not only in the morning, but at noon and at night so that you might stand firm the whole day, then tomorrow, and the next day. then you might stand firm always despite everything. 

it doesnt matter what your intentions were the whole day, if you kept clean the whole 20 hours out of 24. the one minute you fall, you fall. they trickle into hours, much fewer than your 20 good intentioned hours, but they spoil everything.

wars arent fought and won on a grand scale of months, weeks or even days. When it comes down to it, it’s who you bowed to in that one minute that determines if you live or die again.

Dead today. Will try to live tomorrow. And hopefully, hopefully not on my own.

Advertisements

almost twenty two

On the brink of twenty twoo and feeling so blue dah dummmm~

Hello.

After being cooped up for seven hours straight typing at the computer at work and complaining of how sitting that long will kill me, guess what I decide to do for approximately the next hour or so (give or take) with my life. Clap clap.

Since the last post one month ago, I fell into a deep dark hole.

I think life’s like that. When you get high mountain moments and think it’s all fine and dandy, you sink deep real quick all of a sudden.

Hole came out of nowhere. Fell straight in. Don’t know if I’m fully out yet. I’d like to think I have. Definitely feeling less…tempted. But what are feelings.

I wanted to rid myself of it though, especially before I turn 22, enter my next season in life. I don’t want this on my back. Hope it’s happening for good.

Got a job helping people, saving kids. People are so nice that I feel extra bad about being so slow/blur/inefficient. I am doing stuff I think I can, like write. But it never used to be a time thing in school. In school, they were like “go deep” so I went deep but then I could take my time about that, as long as I got things done before deadlines. Which were weeks away. Not like in days.

Just don’t wanna be a burdennn sorry in advance please continue giving me chances thankss.

These are the moments I’m glad I don’t get paid cos then I can make mistakes and learn things more guilt-freely.

I miss doing non-artsy stuff on my non-artsy brain so that I can bop to beats but I can’t cos I have to write. Sad.

Also, boss is appealing to my academic intellectual side because he’s so smart and fast and stuff and I’m aww yiss but he’s not emotionally attracting me even though he’s so nice and so patient (like srsly) but my head wants me to like him because my head is absolutely living off this guy does this make sense.

Stop it, head. Be professional.

This helps me in no way whatsoever as well because I become extra stupid around smart people I like.

Moving on.

Thankful for friends as always. No words.

Need more God. And Bible time. And prayer time. More God in general.

I feel like I’m a nicer person when I’m struggling with issues. I fell into that hole and was struggling with myself but I feel like I become nicer to people even though I should have/and did feel hypocritical. Now that I think I’m coming out of it, I feel like I’m losing control elsewhere. Like my tongue. Like I’ve been not nice again. And I’ve been saying things which may/may not be as appropriate. I realise I can’t control my tongue. And myself for that matter.

Has it become easier to put on masks and pretend everything is ok than be my actual, not ok self.

Last year I was in UK and spent a lovely, pretty carefree birthday with my folks over waffles and crepes which were ridiculously good.

Who knew this year I’d be spending it like this (not that “this” is better/worse, it’s just such a different situation). Gonna be in the office with things due cos Friday. My colleagues are nice and stuff. But it’s one of those birthdays where I don’t feel like I have to make a momentous thing out of it, for myself etc. Like I don’t feel the pressure of that special day. Actually kind of like the lack of pressure. Have I finally outgrown myself and making it all about me. Feel normal about it.

Practiced my four instruments this couple of days for no reason. Revived my hulusi and practiced the Da Chang Jin OST on it. Thinking of trying on other tunes on it but it has such a small range. Need to research. Such a nice sound tho. Practiced guitar too. Suck at that one.

Suddenly feeling a bit afraid of myself, and how I’ll mess up my life and my relationships with good people and people I want to be a good friend too, and about tomorrow.

Can I just skip my birthday this year. Or postpone it. When I feel like. I dunno. Not so ambiguous/badly about myself.

Are these my last thoughts of my 21 self why am I being so feely now

Spew

I feel like it’s time to write (and then not really because it’s already past 12 and not the most ideal time to start spewing thoughts).

Condensed thoughts:
How I really need to sink my roots deep and drink in from the streams of living water because I need to be nourished to nourish and grow and bless. Not enough nourishment=keeping all the good stuff for self-preservation=not enough to give and love people.

Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers. 

Psalm 1:1-3

How to be planted? Meditate on his law day and night. Actually intentionally spend time with this person I claim to be my Lord and God and savior and whom I pledge love and devotion to. Actions, actions.

Fixing my heart and mind on the heavenly and spiritual things. Away from all the worldly thing and desires of my own heart.

I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a tension about this. Spirit and flesh having one of those tug of war things again, and not necessarily about my destiny either. Spirit is holding out but the flesh is putting up a struggle in its losing fight. It’s tired, even on the winning side. And sometimes the line smudges and I trip a little but it’s all good because I come back at the end of the day. Still feeling vulnerable-ish. Like I’ll fall at any wind that blows by. But not yet anyhows.

Everyone was sharing their testimonies at cell this week and it was really refreshing because for once, not everyone started with “I grew up in church”. It’s so good to see how God draws different people to Himself and to hear their own experiences with Him. It’s just great. I usually don’t like these “how did you meet God” things because I never had that pin drop moment where God became super clear to me/ I accepted Him at this certain point in my life and then my whole world changed. My story isn’t dramatic. It’s not even a story; it just happened and I’m still in the process. Sometimes, I’m kind of envious about other people’s great story but I know that everyone has their own struggles and stuff. And it’s interesting because I felt like my story was just something archaic/fixed in the past and just something to share when people asked me. I’ve formulated my testimony and I wonder what else I missed in keeping my testimony short and story like, and questioning myself why I chose to mention certain things over others.

Surprised at how much this sentiment, “don’t think that because your parents are Christian, you automatically become a Christian too”, was so strong in shaping my journey. I hate hearing this as I was growing up because it negates all of my thoughts and experience with God in one sweeping generalization, in that it’s not mine. My walk was not my own. It was my parents’. So undermining. I understood where it was coming from, of course, but as someone who was actually questioning if I really did believe God for myself (and whether for the right reasons at that), this just riled me. Not all of us want to ride on our parents’ walk with God ok. Not everyone thinks like that. I wanted God for myself, to know Him myself and to make this walk mine. I don’t know why this defined me so much. So much I left out but I guess it’s because the walk isn’t finished and I’m still learning so.

After the sermon on our destinies, there was an altar call and a few of us lost and clueless twenty somethings went up together. I was wondering what I ought to pray, what I wanted, what I should tell the prayer lady when she came to me. Turns out I didn’t have to tell her anything, she just went and did her thing. The word was that I needed to slow down and re-look at my priorities (which was surprising because I thought I was already very slow moving lol). And I went and offered up what I had been intending to pray for: mostly direction in the 101 ministries and open doors, direction career wise (eek), and above all, to know His will for me, to want His will for me and to have the courage to follow Him in it. Don’t want to be faithful without purpose. Don’t want to have purpose but not be faithful to it. I feel like I’m both zzz.

I went up there to get prayed for, not really so much of the expectation that bam, God speaks to me and tells me something like “gurl, you gonna be a ____” or “do this and this” even though I did go up to pray about my destiny and stuff like that. How shall I say it… the general sense I got after it all was that I may not know the plans per se but I know the one who is planning my life, and maybe at that moment, that’s all I needed to know, that’s what God saw fit to give me in that point of time to meet my worries. I know what it’s like having to make big life changing decisions and wanting to honor God in that decision by choosing what He wants. I know what it’s like to pray about it and then not hear anything, or anything specific in what He wants you to do. It’s frustrating, especially if you gotta make decisions NOW. After all, the Bible doesn’t tell you what job you should take and what schools you should go to and who you should marry etc. But I dunno, silence/non answers doesn’t mean you stop praying about it. It doesn’t mean for me to stop seeking God about it, or that I shouldn’t even try because I won’t get an answer. I pray for loads of things and God doesn’t give me all of them but that doesn’t mean I stop praying to Him when I want or need something. I feel like, just going to Him, even out of a want or need, shows that you still recognize who has the power and who is the Giver of stuff. And maybe it is through prayer as a process that helps you get a clearer picture about God’s POV and how you should move on from there. Maybe it’s not a matter of getting an answer but the changing of your heart and POV to be able to see that this certain answer makes sense. I dunno.

Pray without ceasing.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Still difficult to do and sometimes I don’t want to pray about decisions because sometimes I don’t hear anything and I just end up doing whatever I want. So I dunno, it’s still a bit of a question mark for me. But God has revealed decisions to me, almost never straight out, but very slowly, and sometimes not at all. But my job, at least, is to come to Him with it in the first place, and let Him be God and do His god thing at the expense of my frustration because He doesn’t meet my human expectations. Ha.

Strange space of talking to loads of people at once and wanting to be so emotionally invested in all of them (and I am, really) but I dunno how good a friend I’m actually being to them. Please don’t mind me friends. Thanks.

Not as condensed as I might have liked but it’ll do for now ugh.

Won

This post. Took a while in coming together. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. But stuff happened.

And then after stuff happened, it took me another while to sit down and write it all out. Because (sigh) I don’t want those of you who personally know me to notice my appearance more than usual, any more than if I actually talked to you about it, that is.

Hi there. This was suppose to be a friendly post/update on my health and wellness regarding my hyperthyroidism. It really was. It was going to go along the lines of:

So I got fat. Hwahaha.

I had the whole post planned out in my head because I’d found it funny. I’d found it funny that mum and gramma seemed to think that I’d put on some weight when I didn’t think so. I just couldn’t see what they saw. I honestly thought I looked the same. So I didn’t mind that they were fussing over the reading on the scale (which astonished me because it did reflect that I’d gained a bit).

I was fine with it, the gain. Because I really couldn’t see what they were going on about.

They were very insistent though, and they had the scale to prove it. And they began drumming in well-intentioned advice regarding my diet and asking if I had been exercising regularly (which I had been doing by the way. I’d never been so into the whole exercise thing as I had been then).

It finally got to me.

Continue reading “Won”

Alpha Away

Where do I begin?

Why is every other post starting like this? Need to get my head together, this whirlwind, and put this all down somewhere.

Ok, um, ok. I think I got it. I think. So.

Let me try to do this from a new perspective, like from a ‘it’s not all about me’ perspective.

Holy Spirit retreat this weekend. That is, a two day one night thing away from life life to learn more about the Holy Spirit as part of the Alpha course. So I’ve been sporadically going for this thing my church is doing called the Alpha course. It’s basically like Christianity 101 for people who are curious about what the big deal is about God and the Bible and a place where they can ask all their questions. I’m currently in the Youth Alpha, so there are these pretty bite-sized and thought-provoking videos for us every week on different topics like “Who is Jesus?” and stuff like that. We’re somewhere in the middle of the course by now and the topic for the retreat was on the Holy Spirit.

Here are the videos we watched these couple of days. They aren’t very long and it’ll kind of give you some context as to what I’m going on about.

Alpha Youth Episode 8 Who is the Holy Spirit and What Does He do?

Alpha Youth Episode 9 How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit?

Bottom line for me at least:

  • Holy Spirit is a person, that is, it’s a He, not an It
  • He’s equal with the Father and Son persons of the Godhead Trinity
  • He awesome

I’ve always had a confused idea of the Holy Spirit and I still don’t get everything about Him but that’s ok. God is a mystery I’ll spend my whole life figuring out haha. I think the word that throws me off the most is the word ‘spirit’. It makes me think of like, ghosts and stuff. And He is referred to as the Holy Ghost in some translations so He was always like a even more intangible version of the Father-Son image of God. When I pray, I don’t think I even refer to Him in prayers. It’s always ‘Father’ and ‘Jesus’. But I do know that the Holy Spirit is there, He is in me and He is working to change me.

Continue reading “Alpha Away”