almost twenty two

On the brink of twenty twoo and feeling so blue dah dummmm~

Hello.

After being cooped up for seven hours straight typing at the computer at work and complaining of how sitting that long will kill me, guess what I decide to do for approximately the next hour or so (give or take) with my life. Clap clap.

Since the last post one month ago, I fell into a deep dark hole.

I think life’s like that. When you get high mountain moments and think it’s all fine and dandy, you sink deep real quick all of a sudden.

Hole came out of nowhere. Fell straight in. Don’t know if I’m fully out yet. I’d like to think I have. Definitely feeling less…tempted. But what are feelings.

I wanted to rid myself of it though, especially before I turn 22, enter my next season in life. I don’t want this on my back. Hope it’s happening for good.

Got a job helping people, saving kids. People are so nice that I feel extra bad about being so slow/blur/inefficient. I am doing stuff I think I can, like write. But it never used to be a time thing in school. In school, they were like “go deep” so I went deep but then I could take my time about that, as long as I got things done before deadlines. Which were weeks away. Not like in days.

Just don’t wanna be a burdennn sorry in advance please continue giving me chances thankss.

These are the moments I’m glad I don’t get paid cos then I can make mistakes and learn things more guilt-freely.

I miss doing non-artsy stuff on my non-artsy brain so that I can bop to beats but I can’t cos I have to write. Sad.

Also, boss is appealing to my academic intellectual side because he’s so smart and fast and stuff and I’m aww yiss but he’s not emotionally attracting me even though he’s so nice and so patient (like srsly) but my head wants me to like him because my head is absolutely living off this guy does this make sense.

Stop it, head. Be professional.

This helps me in no way whatsoever as well because I become extra stupid around smart people I like.

Moving on.

Thankful for friends as always. No words.

Need more God. And Bible time. And prayer time. More God in general.

I feel like I’m a nicer person when I’m struggling with issues. I fell into that hole and was struggling with myself but I feel like I become nicer to people even though I should have/and did feel hypocritical. Now that I think I’m coming out of it, I feel like I’m losing control elsewhere. Like my tongue. Like I’ve been not nice again. And I’ve been saying things which may/may not be as appropriate. I realise I can’t control my tongue. And myself for that matter.

Has it become easier to put on masks and pretend everything is ok than be my actual, not ok self.

Last year I was in UK and spent a lovely, pretty carefree birthday with my folks over waffles and crepes which were ridiculously good.

Who knew this year I’d be spending it like this (not that “this” is better/worse, it’s just such a different situation). Gonna be in the office with things due cos Friday. My colleagues are nice and stuff. But it’s one of those birthdays where I don’t feel like I have to make a momentous thing out of it, for myself etc. Like I don’t feel the pressure of that special day. Actually kind of like the lack of pressure. Have I finally outgrown myself and making it all about me. Feel normal about it.

Practiced my four instruments this couple of days for no reason. Revived my hulusi and practiced the Da Chang Jin OST on it. Thinking of trying on other tunes on it but it has such a small range. Need to research. Such a nice sound tho. Practiced guitar too. Suck at that one.

Suddenly feeling a bit afraid of myself, and how I’ll mess up my life and my relationships with good people and people I want to be a good friend too, and about tomorrow.

Can I just skip my birthday this year. Or postpone it. When I feel like. I dunno. Not so ambiguous/badly about myself.

Are these my last thoughts of my 21 self why am I being so feely now

Spew

I feel like it’s time to write (and then not really because it’s already past 12 and not the most ideal time to start spewing thoughts).

Condensed thoughts:
How I really need to sink my roots deep and drink in from the streams of living water because I need to be nourished to nourish and grow and bless. Not enough nourishment=keeping all the good stuff for self-preservation=not enough to give and love people.

Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers. 

Psalm 1:1-3

How to be planted? Meditate on his law day and night. Actually intentionally spend time with this person I claim to be my Lord and God and savior and whom I pledge love and devotion to. Actions, actions.

Fixing my heart and mind on the heavenly and spiritual things. Away from all the worldly thing and desires of my own heart.

I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a tension about this. Spirit and flesh having one of those tug of war things again, and not necessarily about my destiny either. Spirit is holding out but the flesh is putting up a struggle in its losing fight. It’s tired, even on the winning side. And sometimes the line smudges and I trip a little but it’s all good because I come back at the end of the day. Still feeling vulnerable-ish. Like I’ll fall at any wind that blows by. But not yet anyhows.

Everyone was sharing their testimonies at cell this week and it was really refreshing because for once, not everyone started with “I grew up in church”. It’s so good to see how God draws different people to Himself and to hear their own experiences with Him. It’s just great. I usually don’t like these “how did you meet God” things because I never had that pin drop moment where God became super clear to me/ I accepted Him at this certain point in my life and then my whole world changed. My story isn’t dramatic. It’s not even a story; it just happened and I’m still in the process. Sometimes, I’m kind of envious about other people’s great story but I know that everyone has their own struggles and stuff. And it’s interesting because I felt like my story was just something archaic/fixed in the past and just something to share when people asked me. I’ve formulated my testimony and I wonder what else I missed in keeping my testimony short and story like, and questioning myself why I chose to mention certain things over others.

Surprised at how much this sentiment, “don’t think that because your parents are Christian, you automatically become a Christian too”, was so strong in shaping my journey. I hate hearing this as I was growing up because it negates all of my thoughts and experience with God in one sweeping generalization, in that it’s not mine. My walk was not my own. It was my parents’. So undermining. I understood where it was coming from, of course, but as someone who was actually questioning if I really did believe God for myself (and whether for the right reasons at that), this just riled me. Not all of us want to ride on our parents’ walk with God ok. Not everyone thinks like that. I wanted God for myself, to know Him myself and to make this walk mine. I don’t know why this defined me so much. So much I left out but I guess it’s because the walk isn’t finished and I’m still learning so.

After the sermon on our destinies, there was an altar call and a few of us lost and clueless twenty somethings went up together. I was wondering what I ought to pray, what I wanted, what I should tell the prayer lady when she came to me. Turns out I didn’t have to tell her anything, she just went and did her thing. The word was that I needed to slow down and re-look at my priorities (which was surprising because I thought I was already very slow moving lol). And I went and offered up what I had been intending to pray for: mostly direction in the 101 ministries and open doors, direction career wise (eek), and above all, to know His will for me, to want His will for me and to have the courage to follow Him in it. Don’t want to be faithful without purpose. Don’t want to have purpose but not be faithful to it. I feel like I’m both zzz.

I went up there to get prayed for, not really so much of the expectation that bam, God speaks to me and tells me something like “gurl, you gonna be a ____” or “do this and this” even though I did go up to pray about my destiny and stuff like that. How shall I say it… the general sense I got after it all was that I may not know the plans per se but I know the one who is planning my life, and maybe at that moment, that’s all I needed to know, that’s what God saw fit to give me in that point of time to meet my worries. I know what it’s like having to make big life changing decisions and wanting to honor God in that decision by choosing what He wants. I know what it’s like to pray about it and then not hear anything, or anything specific in what He wants you to do. It’s frustrating, especially if you gotta make decisions NOW. After all, the Bible doesn’t tell you what job you should take and what schools you should go to and who you should marry etc. But I dunno, silence/non answers doesn’t mean you stop praying about it. It doesn’t mean for me to stop seeking God about it, or that I shouldn’t even try because I won’t get an answer. I pray for loads of things and God doesn’t give me all of them but that doesn’t mean I stop praying to Him when I want or need something. I feel like, just going to Him, even out of a want or need, shows that you still recognize who has the power and who is the Giver of stuff. And maybe it is through prayer as a process that helps you get a clearer picture about God’s POV and how you should move on from there. Maybe it’s not a matter of getting an answer but the changing of your heart and POV to be able to see that this certain answer makes sense. I dunno.

Pray without ceasing.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Still difficult to do and sometimes I don’t want to pray about decisions because sometimes I don’t hear anything and I just end up doing whatever I want. So I dunno, it’s still a bit of a question mark for me. But God has revealed decisions to me, almost never straight out, but very slowly, and sometimes not at all. But my job, at least, is to come to Him with it in the first place, and let Him be God and do His god thing at the expense of my frustration because He doesn’t meet my human expectations. Ha.

Strange space of talking to loads of people at once and wanting to be so emotionally invested in all of them (and I am, really) but I dunno how good a friend I’m actually being to them. Please don’t mind me friends. Thanks.

Not as condensed as I might have liked but it’ll do for now ugh.

Won

This post. Took a while in coming together. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. But stuff happened.

And then after stuff happened, it took me another while to sit down and write it all out. Because (sigh) I don’t want those of you who personally know me to notice my appearance more than usual, any more than if I actually talked to you about it, that is.

Hi there. This was suppose to be a friendly post/update on my health and wellness regarding my hyperthyroidism. It really was. It was going to go along the lines of:

So I got fat. Hwahaha.

I had the whole post planned out in my head because I’d found it funny. I’d found it funny that mum and gramma seemed to think that I’d put on some weight when I didn’t think so. I just couldn’t see what they saw. I honestly thought I looked the same. So I didn’t mind that they were fussing over the reading on the scale (which astonished me because it did reflect that I’d gained a bit).

I was fine with it, the gain. Because I really couldn’t see what they were going on about.

They were very insistent though, and they had the scale to prove it. And they began drumming in well-intentioned advice regarding my diet and asking if I had been exercising regularly (which I had been doing by the way. I’d never been so into the whole exercise thing as I had been then).

It finally got to me.

Continue reading “Won”

Alpha Away

Where do I begin?

Why is every other post starting like this? Need to get my head together, this whirlwind, and put this all down somewhere.

Ok, um, ok. I think I got it. I think. So.

Let me try to do this from a new perspective, like from a ‘it’s not all about me’ perspective.

Holy Spirit retreat this weekend. That is, a two day one night thing away from life life to learn more about the Holy Spirit as part of the Alpha course. So I’ve been sporadically going for this thing my church is doing called the Alpha course. It’s basically like Christianity 101 for people who are curious about what the big deal is about God and the Bible and a place where they can ask all their questions. I’m currently in the Youth Alpha, so there are these pretty bite-sized and thought-provoking videos for us every week on different topics like “Who is Jesus?” and stuff like that. We’re somewhere in the middle of the course by now and the topic for the retreat was on the Holy Spirit.

Here are the videos we watched these couple of days. They aren’t very long and it’ll kind of give you some context as to what I’m going on about.

Alpha Youth Episode 8 Who is the Holy Spirit and What Does He do?

Alpha Youth Episode 9 How Can I Be Filled With the Holy Spirit?

Bottom line for me at least:

  • Holy Spirit is a person, that is, it’s a He, not an It
  • He’s equal with the Father and Son persons of the Godhead Trinity
  • He awesome

I’ve always had a confused idea of the Holy Spirit and I still don’t get everything about Him but that’s ok. God is a mystery I’ll spend my whole life figuring out haha. I think the word that throws me off the most is the word ‘spirit’. It makes me think of like, ghosts and stuff. And He is referred to as the Holy Ghost in some translations so He was always like a even more intangible version of the Father-Son image of God. When I pray, I don’t think I even refer to Him in prayers. It’s always ‘Father’ and ‘Jesus’. But I do know that the Holy Spirit is there, He is in me and He is working to change me.

Continue reading “Alpha Away”

Looking Up

So ever since my hyperthyroid has been addressed, I’m pretty much free to be my nice self again(whatever that means), seek God, enjoy life and the rest of my holidays.

Just a thankful tally so far:

  1. That I got my hyperthyroid – pretty much thankful for my body acting up on my behalf to express my stress for me and getting some space because of it
  2. That my hyperthyroid is being treated and is stabilising
  3. For friends – who still love me and didn’t call me out even though I wasn’t the best company and was a crabby poop (before I knew and got treated for my relapse)
  4. God for really seeing me through everything and is building me up again both physically and spiritually
  5. New seasons
  6. Getting a short freelance editorial stint which is a kind of a dream for me
  7. Doing a whole lot of recreation over the hols

God is truly good. He always has been, and He always is, and He always will be. There’s no getting round that. Honestly.

Closing the chapter of my overseas exchange and settling back into life here, I haven’t always been the best example of taking joy in trials or counting my blessings. But this season of recovery really gave me the time and space to recalibrate and to come before God to seek Him first again. The Holy Spirit moved quietly in me and as I carried on my day-to-day life, I was suddenly made aware that there were some things I did, some thoughts I had and some attitudes and habits I never considered a big deal, that displeased him.

For starters, I was not treating people right; I was not loving them or forgiving them as He had loved and forgiven me, as He had shown me.

My medical condition aside, I found myself getting angry at a friend, judging and condemning because I didn’t think that the way she was behaving was right. I got frustrated because she wouldn’t tell me why she was acting the way she did. I only saw the action (which I disagreed with) and judged her for that, instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt and being fair to her for having personal reasons (which she does not owe me anyway). I dunno. I could point fingers and say that her actions caused me to stumble etc. but what she’s doing isn’t the point; it’s what I’m doing, what I’m thinking. And I know I’ve done it before, all the time. And I’d been so humbled before because of what I didn’t know and judged anyway. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to judge because I think I’m better. If anything, I want to judge, not in the sense of condemning someone, but in love and out of love for the person. I want to point out and correct them based on God’s standard, in which he called for the body of the church to be accountable to each other, to teach, rebuke, correct and train in righteousness using the His word. There’s no use for me loving somebody without wisdom, though. I don’t even know where to start. But before I do anything, I needed to get my heart right with God.

I was also being suspicious and distrustful of my friends. I felt that they were cunning and hung out with me for vested interest (such a high opinion I had of myself. as if I have anything worth hanging around for vested interest). Ok, that came out a bit strong. Not to that extent but still. And I couldn’t be nice to them because of these strange thoughts.

Plus, I was also not being very nice or respectful to my parents.

I hope I don’t lose any friends after writing this. It’s probably not you that I’m writing about, and anyway, the point is my heart and it’s attitudes.

God also convicted me about what I was doing with my gifts, and ultimately my life.

So I love to write. I can’t do without it. And I love to conjure up stories. But sometimes I write or come up with stories that, I don’t know, I think is beautiful and has some artistic value, although the morals of the content are slightlyyyy questionable. And I don’t think much about it. Because it’s art, right? And art has a free license. Art is art. It can be controversial but that’s cos it’s art. It’s saying something.

Well, it isn’t saying something right, I suppose. I don’t know. I know, theoretically, that you’re suppose to use your gifts, the gifts that God gave you, for His glory. That’s only right. It’s only fair. But can’t I use it for His glory plus other things? Like, for my enjoyment? Like, artistically and purely so?

Sigh.

Also, when I write, I use either the faces and personas of movie stars both in and out of character or the real life people that are around me. I haven’t been using real life people for a while now; my movie stars are basically my stock characters for whatever it is I’m writing. And that’s good and bad. Because I had a long struggle with this, especially when I used real life people. Much fantasising which leads to a lot of idolatry and other less-than-healthy/desirable thoughts and emotions. Movie stars are better than the real life ones which are too close for comfort, but honestly, the idolatry, though. I’m such a sucker for pretty people. It’s something I’ve struggled with every stage of my life and I think it’s something I will always be struggling with, the thorn in my side, the sin that I will always be up against most of my life.

Not going through any particular fevers with anybody as of now, but just something I want to get off my chest while I’m still with a clear mind. When I get those lovesick fevers I take a while to get back to focusing on God. It’s not something I like, it’s really where the flesh and spirit fight for me.

I needed help, and by the looks of everything I’d written, I needed lots of it. I narrowed in on a couple of areas whenever God prompted me.

I need to be humble. I was so proud, of what, I don’t know. I didn’t want God to humble me because that’s always painful but I want to be humble.

I want to love people more, more than I do now, more than myself. I want a soft heart and a gentle spirit, instead of the hard, apathetic one I have now. I want a love for people so that I can help them, so that God can use me.

I want wisdom, because, as you can tell, my future is in shambles. I have no direction, only dreams. And not all of them have God in them. I want wisdom to live and to walk where God wants me to.

I want to have the strength to glorify Him regardless of my situations, and in everything I do. I want to have that strength to walk with Him closely every single day, to pray, to seek Him first, to die to myself.

I want to know His word, like really sit down and memorise what He has said, what He has promised, what He’s like. I don’t just want to know it’s important. I want to steel down and know it for myself, to prepare myself for the storms while I’m still in a relatively peaceful season.

So these are the things I’m working on, the things God has brought to light Himself for me to commit them back to Him and for His use. Some parts are easier than others and God is already working in me.

He has been speaking to me through my devos, and the Holy Spirit has been residing over my prayer times because they are suddenly very focused and I know exactly what and how to pray. Very much heart to heart with God. He has been giving the peace and patience I have always wanted. It’s not perfect, of course, but it’s a much needed change of heart, so that I can keep practicing it and perfect it. He has given me encouragement and affirmation through the words and sharing of my friends and I do so treasure their love so much.

It’s still an uphill task, definitely, but the Lord is for me and not against me, He is bigger than my fears and sins and He has already won for me. It is such a comfort for me.

That’s the start of my new season with God. I love new seasons because their so fresh and new and exciting but I hope I can walk with Him all the way.

In other breaking news, I got a short stint editing a piece of work which I can’t say much about yet. It was fun and it was really such a God-given opportunity for me to try my hand at what I hope is part of my future (not just freelance, but editing, fiction, at that). It was a good experience and I am thankful for that.

Aside from meeting friends, the rest of my days are filled with reading, writing, singing and working out, with the occasional cooking. Life.

Bought a bunch of new books lately cos I haven’t been reading much and now I feel like doing book reviews to make me read deeper.

Updating my WP and writing whatever fictional scraps that sometimes hit me. Also working on my book (don’t choke), the book that may be my debut, that I have to write because I have to publish at least one before I die and live to see it’s fame and remakes as movies and musicals.

Singing my heart out because my dad bought me a mic for my big two one! I did all the research and he pretty much just handed me his credit card hahaha. I’ve been testing it out around the room and trying to crash course on how to mix and master my tracks. That’s the hard part, but it’s fun all the same.

Also been trying to lead a healthy lifestyle because that’s what living independently does to you. You become so aware of what you put into your body and how you’re responsible for your health. Been trying to follow this workout plan and everything and it’s ok so far because it’s still at the weight training phase which I like. I don’t follow the diet regulations, though, and I don’t have some of the machines in the gym. So. On best effort basis.

Since I came back, I cooked a total of three times. After I unearthed this dinosaur of a blender, I went and blended myself a pancake mix with oats, bananas and eggs. I put some peanut butter in it too. It was ok. It looked like meat though. Then I made a burger lunch for brother, like how I used to. Bread, leaf, cheese, beef, egg, bread. It was so big and overflowing which means it was a good burger. Too much salt in the beef cos the first taste was a mite bland. Coupled it with sweet potato fries which were delish except that I don’t think I want to use the oven again after it short circuited the house. The third time I cooked was the most successful. I made coffee pork ribs for the fam plus my grandparents and it was pretty good, prolly cos I made it once before so it wasn’t that foreign. Yay, achievement unlocked. Don’t know what else I can cook now that their expectations are  so high haha. I make a mean porridge, though, if they’re interested.

Also, I’m now on the 40 Days prayer thingamajig the church does like 40 days before national day and it calls for a kind of fast. I can’t do food fasts but I thought I’d fast on social media. Like, not WP but Facebook and Insta for a bit. Just to declutter and refocus. Stuff.

Gah, so much to catch up on but I foresee that this will be the trend for the rest of the hols. Yay joy.