HodgePodge

H’lo.

[Disclaimer the tone on this post is a bit different I think because they were actually reflections and QT thoughts for Jam but I was typing them here and. Tone got weird]

I think I’m slightly stressed. By things. Life. In general.

Then again when am I not. hwahahaha. haha.

Um um ok QT thoughts first. (That is the December advent devo which I’m doing with Jam wew https://document.desiringgod.org/good-news-of-great-joy-en.pdf?ts=1479878227)

So for advent devo (4 Dec), I sometimes don’t feel appropriately little enough. Like, I think it’s hard to remember the scale of things, how actually big God is and how actually small I am relative to that. And how we are just dust. Most of the time, my life revolves around me and I’m the biggest person in my universe. Which makes it hard for me to die to myself, and take up the cross and follow Jesus. If I’m that big in my universe and if I’m my own priority, then I’m just too full of myself to do what God wants me to do, to be chiseled by him and become more Christ-like. Eh perspective.

On the flip side, I can get to feeling the littleness that I actually am and collapse on myself at how scrummy I am and now the world is so big and out of my control and how I’m a literal nothinggg.

I guess humility is still the safer side of the balance. Because if you’re humble and you remember how big God is, then that’s a good place to be.

5 Dec just mostly how it’s not about what God could do but what he willed to do (with respect to how the God of the universe could have overlooked the inn bookings such that there was no room for baby Jesus to be born somewhere nice and comfy lol lol). Good reminder how what may seem like a detour to us with our own limited human understanding is part of God’s perfect time and plan. And that is super comforting because ehhh I foresee many detours in my soon-to-be adult life where I will have no idea what I’m doing half the time. Gonna be such a. Exponential faith growth right there. Ha ha. Ha.

Apart from advent, what’s been on my mind is prayer, more specifically, to pray intentionally for people. I’m committing to praying for more people more, in general, like, praying for some people everyday. Because. Hmm, I always say I want something for them from God/God to work in their lives etc etc but then I don’t commit them to prayer or I only commit once off. But we are supposed to pray unceasingly. So, at least for the whole of December, I’m praying intentionally and with expectancy for people, friends and fam. Because if I really believe in the power of the God I’m praying to then it would be stupid to not pray for mountains to be moved and blind eyes to openn. Also such a privilege to be able to present prayers and requests to God, to even be in his holy presence and intercede for people. It’s such a gift. Need to pray. More often than not, I’m blessed by praying as well because it at least helps me get the conversation flowing with God. Seriously if you’re on a dry prayer walk, pray for someone else.

Other small thoughts and concerns:

Managing my time well in the hols. I have so many creative projects that I want to embark on/continue and so many other more official tasks at hand that I’m slightly stressed. But what I’m more concerned about is jumping headlong into my creative writing projects that I compromise God and basically lose my centre. I go really deep into imagining things and “using/appropriating” people in my work so sometimes I can go off into a bit of an idol frenzy. Just basically worried that giving free rein to being creative might make me lose my centre. Meh.

Always second guessing myself as a friend, and my social interactions with people, and my ministry as cell leader and whether what I do is good/helpful/needed for the kids. Sometimes I feel phony about cell leading apart from the Bible stuff because it’s a weird overlap space of “friend/cell leader”. I mean, I thank God that they are such nice kids and that I genuinely like them and want to be their friend. But. I don’t know if they ever think that “oh she’s tryna be our friend cos it’s her job as a cell leader”. Which is half trueee I guess because if I weren’t their cell leader I wouldn’t make the effort/even know them. More double consciousness wew. Also, whatsapp conversations are weird to have with them. I’m always trying to think how to close the conversation appropriately/least awkwardly even though I was the one who started it as an attempt to. Be. Friendly. Cell. Leader. My social anxiety. Anxieties. Yea I also have friends/acquaintances who go the same way. I wanna be your friend and we are so nice to each other and all that but I always feel like I’m skimming on social ice because we still haven’t BARED OUR SOULS TO EACH OTHER SO THAT I CAN BE A GOOD FRIEND AND FEEL USEFUL AND FEEL LIKE I’M NOT A BURDEN FRIEND TO SUSTAIN WITH NICETIES. Burp. Not that it’s their fault but like. That’s my in-built mechanism. such an infp whateven.

Hmm ok anything else anything else. No I think I feel the most stress about the social thing. Nya. And just gonna be praying the whole December yay.

Did I mention that I’ve given a name to one of my recurring sins so that I can avoid it more easily in my head now that it is embodied somewhat. So there was a video going around about seeing depression as this dog that kind of followed you everywhere and stuff. I watched it, can’t really remember much about it, but somehow the idea got to me and so now I’ve embodied my sin into the idea of a bad dog called Hugo. Which helps me because I’ve defined all the stuff that defines/associates with Hugo as actual sin so I won’t be tempted to be like “no that’s ok it’s not realllly sin”. Yea no, the “not-really” sins are now tied together with the “yes-clearly-sin” and everything is just called Hugo so equal sin seriousness. No fudging. So when thoughts. Seep in. It’s just like “ok that’s Hugo go away Hugo”/or I’ll walk away from it. Living holy life 101: calling sin sin = know when to run away/what to run away from = safe.

Yea I just wanted to mention Hugo so I can refer to him if needed and also that he has been sniffing round the block for a bit last week when my QT got a bit dry/rocky even tho my QT life had been pretty solid before the dry spell. zzz Hugo wastes no time. But also I think that, ehh, with Christmas and all, the Hugos will be really trying their best to derail people. Because what would really suck in this holy season is to be entangled with some sort of Hugo and be robbed of all the Christmas joy/peace/love. Ya, so PSA. Spiritual warfare is a thing. Be awakee.

Maybe now I shall no longer be able to own black dogs because Hugo. I saw a video about how black animals seem to be discriminated against somehow. Is it because they’re all used in thought experiments like this whoops. I shall redeem myself by getting a black cat, if I get to get a cat at all then. Hmm.

Well, we’ve digressed.

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so what did i miss

Hello.

Back from the dead.

But I didn’t want to say it so loud yet in case I jinxed things.

I don’t actually know how I got here.

I got tired of myself and falling into a sin I didn’t want to keep anymore. It still took me a while to kick it though, because I’d still turn to it just for hecks. So I had to be intentional about it. Just not. Going there.

I don’t know when the turn happened. All I knew was that I was ready to be rid of it and was getting serious about kicking it so I stopped feeling hypocritical when I prayed. Great start.

Also, a lot of things happening, moving in the Spirit. Things to do. That I realise I can’t be down and out now. There are just too many things to do.

God things, of course. And I need to be on the same page with God to be able to do them.

I’m feeling a holy burden. For exactly what, I can’t say yet. But it feels like it’s something to do with prayer. The thing with holy burdens is that you want to do so much at once and you want to do it now and also I’m scared of the possibly many obstacles and discouragements along the way. But it’s so heavy. I feel a fire starting somewhere.

Actually, I feel like there’s a fire started somewhere already in my community, in my country. Just needs to catch a blaze. Fan fan.

I prayed for my cousin today. And I’m really proud of that, not because of me but because I was working onboard with God. Like, I felt Him prompting me in my Spirit to do it. And it happened. And I didn’t chicken out. Praise the Lord~

Nothing extremely spectacular followed per se, as it always seems to in testimonies. It was more of a big deal for me and the act of praying for somebody, a testimony of God for His strength in allowing me to do that for someone I love, than anything else.

She was really touched and I just felt that something beautiful happened there and then. It was just a moment but I felt that God was there and He did do something, however small, revealing His heart and love for people. And I felt she was moved, not by my prayer (lel nervous so I missed out some points here and there) but that I was praying for her, the gesture of prayer itself.

Rediscovering the privilege of prayer. Feeling that we don’t do it as often as if should, to intercede for people, as we are called to do as a chosen people and priesthood. Sure, we do it in our prayer closets at home, and we should do that, but I think it’s time to take it to the marketplace. Take God to the marketplace. Don’t tell people what to believe, show them. Pray for them. It can’t hurt. That’s what Jesus was on about anyway, going to the cracks of society to meet their needs and show them His love for them. That’s what draws people to God – how His love meets them where they are.

Of course, it scares me, the marketplace. I don’t even dare to pray for my own family members like that, ripe harvest in my own backyard.

But I wasn’t scared today, like I usually am. I think because God was very clear in wanting me to do this thing and I wanted the same. And it happened. It’s quite cool. He helped me overcome myself, like not to think or worry so much, not being anxious about what my cousin might think, and to not care about anything being awkward (greatest arch nemesis ever). Really felt this supernatural peace, that this is right and good in God’s sight to do and it will be done and I’m just literally His hands and feet. I just hope I’ll be able to do the same with other things, obey His call in the marketplace. It’s usually a big (scary) deal for me, sharing God in the marketplace. I think it always is for a lot of people.

Busy week ahead. Teaching cell and doing worship on the same week wew. Literally cannot life until after church on Sunday akdsnakln.

Then again, this is the life. Better busy in God’s house than letting the devil do his work with idle hands.

And for my sin… it will be the proverbial thorn in my side which I shall contend with until I die I think. Retreated back under the carpet for now. Only hope its relapse won’t be that messy. Ungh it consumed me for three months. Have to make up for lost time now.

Just a quickie – God slayed it today and I just want to put this down somewhere to remember.

Thank you as always for giving me the opportunity and the honor to serve with whatever little I have. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you for new opportunities and for coming through for me in every way. Thank you for helping me overcome some things and do things I couldn’t do before. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for helping me multi task and call out cues when I need to loop a repeated riff. Thank you for this week’s set list which just spoke to my heart when I got it on Wednesday because it was really my heart’s cry in this season of exams. Thank you for giving me this set which doesn’t have overly difficult keyboard parts. And thank you for giving me time, head and heart to prep for service despite mugging. 

Thank you for really nice big people who are willing to help me and pray for me. Thank you for the words of wisdom, encouragement, affirmation and anointing you give to me through them. Thank you for their years of experience, that they can just read my mind and count off without vocal cues. 

Thank you for delivering me from the sin that had crouched at the door, from the the prowling lion that had looked to devour me. I would have fallen into a deep and dark and dangerous place and take ages to claw my way out should I have passed the threshold. Two counts of the seven deadly sins, lust and envy, I’d warped from the blessings you’d given me. Thank you for showing me what the truth was, what righteousness was, and for breaking through my crap to strengthen me against temptations. Thank you for using them for good in the end. Thank you for helping me to not go there.

Please continue to teach me and love me and help me love you and love your people. I may not understand all that you do, but go on doing what you do.