in one of those feeling empty places
still on the surface but rocky underneath
not rocky, uncomfortable
i don’t. even want to scribe it. because putting it into words means it exists. and i can’t even find the right ones.
it’s not that big a deal. nothing bad happened. it’s just one of those times in your lives where you happen to feel a bit like a nothing. in a what am i doing with my life way.
not even looking at it from a where do i go from here immediate future way which has been occupying a bit of my mind.
i don’t want to give it a name. or to say/write it.
just that. hmm. i wanna. be. more. like. more.
what’s important to be more of.
want a different life but wanting it from the outside so not sure if that’s what i want. and. don’t think i could pull that kind of life off anyways. hence the melancholia.
how do people do it.
how are they so balanced and mature and silly and sane all at once. why. am. i. not.
which also begs the question. why do i want to be. so badly. besides that it is good. but i doubt myself for wanting it simply because it is good.
is it double conscious i suspect it’s double conscious. ungh.
because i’m sure i’m making progress. and growing. just that. um. only i know, i guess. and God. maybe friends. but not the world. i think it bothers me that the world doesn’t notice. but i think i might die under the world caring because double consciousness. i think God may never let the world notice me because i’m too vain and i will forget Him. not strong enough for that. really admire the people who are, though.
i know. God knows. friends know. fam know. that should be enough. gotta find that. contentment. in the important things. from the important people.
ok this is good. sifting thoughts through layers. moving the still waters to get someplace. kind of liberating writing in bits and pieces. kind of stifling in not being able to write everything explicitly. not that i want to. i don’t think i want to. if i can unclog myself without, then it’s fine.
maybe i’m mourning for what i could have been, what i could never be. but also. hopeful. maybe what i could be. somehow somewhere.
these words kept looping in my head the past few weeks, not intentionally, just that i find myself arriving at the same words, the same sentiments when I open my mouth to pray and i can’t find the words except this sigh from the abyss of my heart:
oh God, all I have is you. and then. all I need is you.
(lel always cringey to read thoughts to God like this with it being three/four times removed but oh wells it is what it is just being reals)
because life is too unpredictable. and i realise that i have literally zero control over my life. and i have nothing. i have nothing. i know nothing. not even myself. i only have God. i only know God.
and the follow up on that thought is, well, that should be enough for me. and it is enough for me, whether i know it or not.
getting rambly but amidst me in my general lostness which was exacerbated here, there was a good word today about calling, God’s calling and keeping my ears out for it. basically, if you wanna know what God’s calling you to do, you have to know who God is first, so that you can recognise His voice out of the world’s noise. and i felt that to be true in general period of lostness. just felt the tug to sit and pray for a bit some time this past week. still sitting and praying. pray ceaselessly.
also just watched a random video on the suggested list while writing this (much distracted I know) which. made me feel much better. it was so random, I’m so surprised it was suggested how did it get there. but felt like it was what I needed quite specifically. hmm. so cools.
ok feel so much better now. so good to get all that up and out here. thought about it, emoted about it, prayed/praying about it. time to put it out of my mind and think no more about it (fave Huck Finn reference I used this in year 1 and I love this). at least, until the next existential life crisis lelel which I hope will not strike soon in the near future. we will. see.
wonder if I’ll look back on this and be completely lost because I left things so vague. should i leave a clue for myself hmm hmm.