almost twenty two

On the brink of twenty twoo and feeling so blue dah dummmm~

Hello.

After being cooped up for seven hours straight typing at the computer at work and complaining of how sitting that long will kill me, guess what I decide to do for approximately the next hour or so (give or take) with my life. Clap clap.

Since the last post one month ago, I fell into a deep dark hole.

I think life’s like that. When you get high mountain moments and think it’s all fine and dandy, you sink deep real quick all of a sudden.

Hole came out of nowhere. Fell straight in. Don’t know if I’m fully out yet. I’d like to think I have. Definitely feeling less…tempted. But what are feelings.

I wanted to rid myself of it though, especially before I turn 22, enter my next season in life. I don’t want this on my back. Hope it’s happening for good.

Got a job helping people, saving kids. People are so nice that I feel extra bad about being so slow/blur/inefficient. I am doing stuff I think I can, like write. But it never used to be a time thing in school. In school, they were like “go deep” so I went deep but then I could take my time about that, as long as I got things done before deadlines. Which were weeks away. Not like in days.

Just don’t wanna be a burdennn sorry in advance please continue giving me chances thankss.

These are the moments I’m glad I don’t get paid cos then I can make mistakes and learn things more guilt-freely.

I miss doing non-artsy stuff on my non-artsy brain so that I can bop to beats but I can’t cos I have to write. Sad.

Also, boss is appealing to my academic intellectual side because he’s so smart and fast and stuff and I’m aww yiss but he’s not emotionally attracting me even though he’s so nice and so patient (like srsly) but my head wants me to like him because my head is absolutely living off this guy does this make sense.

Stop it, head. Be professional.

This helps me in no way whatsoever as well because I become extra stupid around smart people I like.

Moving on.

Thankful for friends as always. No words.

Need more God. And Bible time. And prayer time. More God in general.

I feel like I’m a nicer person when I’m struggling with issues. I fell into that hole and was struggling with myself but I feel like I become nicer to people even though I should have/and did feel hypocritical. Now that I think I’m coming out of it, I feel like I’m losing control elsewhere. Like my tongue. Like I’ve been not nice again. And I’ve been saying things which may/may not be as appropriate. I realise I can’t control my tongue. And myself for that matter.

Has it become easier to put on masks and pretend everything is ok than be my actual, not ok self.

Last year I was in UK and spent a lovely, pretty carefree birthday with my folks over waffles and crepes which were ridiculously good.

Who knew this year I’d be spending it like this (not that “this” is better/worse, it’s just such a different situation). Gonna be in the office with things due cos Friday. My colleagues are nice and stuff. But it’s one of those birthdays where I don’t feel like I have to make a momentous thing out of it, for myself etc. Like I don’t feel the pressure of that special day. Actually kind of like the lack of pressure. Have I finally outgrown myself and making it all about me. Feel normal about it.

Practiced my four instruments this couple of days for no reason. Revived my hulusi and practiced the Da Chang Jin OST on it. Thinking of trying on other tunes on it but it has such a small range. Need to research. Such a nice sound tho. Practiced guitar too. Suck at that one.

Suddenly feeling a bit afraid of myself, and how I’ll mess up my life and my relationships with good people and people I want to be a good friend too, and about tomorrow.

Can I just skip my birthday this year. Or postpone it. When I feel like. I dunno. Not so ambiguous/badly about myself.

Are these my last thoughts of my 21 self why am I being so feely now

React

just an off-the-bat response to, um, something:

what about judging others for good things what about judging on judging what about loving before judging where loving does not mean accepting everything someone does what about judging as a way of loving because there is still right and wrong what about the extent one can or is allowed to judge what about simply having opinions how about the freedom to have standards kept which is something you get through judging a piece of work for quality what about the freedom to improve which also comes through some form of judgement how about judging the product and not the character and not mixing them up to consider that judgement as malice

#triggeredslightly

Augh no fair Ryan you got closure and I didn’t augh.

Waheva. Too lazy to go on.

I’m in the auditorium now and it’s like I’ve come home at last. It’s been too long. Didn’t have any classes here last sem so I’ve virtually not been here for a year. Oh how I’ve missed this. Childhood. Year one childhood.

Also got a jumpstart on my readings and finished Henrik Ibsen’s An Enemy of the People. So many feels. So. Many. FEELS. Ungh love Ibsen. Loved his Dollhouse. Loved this. Still trying to sort out thoughts.

Basically. I think. Everyone has their vested interest yes, as evidenced by everyone’s support/betrayal of the doctor. Majority doesn’t mean truth, as per what the doctor said. But minority doesn’t mean it either. The number of people believing in something doesn’t qualify something as truth. Then again what is truth. It’s odd because I feel that context wise it’s science=truth vs tradition/majority and I agree with the doctor’s arguments for the science part but I don’t agree with the wider repercussions of science vs others. Because my truth lies with the others. Actually my truth intersects both. So agree with the thought process, but iffy on the content and what that means on a wider scale.

Actually I don’t know. I just thought it was intense and dramatic and real and modern and I loved the angst minus the iffiness.

And iffy where Petra was talking about the English book she was supposed to translate where it was described to be about “a supernatural power that looks after the so-called good people in this world and makes everything happen for the best in their case – while all the so-called bad people are punished.” Only talking about this because it sounds like something someone might say about the Bible. I say might because I don’t honestly think anyone who reads the whole Bible would sum it up in such a way. Like, you can’t just walk away from reading the Bible and just draw such a small conclusion, or that kind of conclusion anyhows. It would be a complete missing the forest for the trees. I just can’t grasp that any General Intelligent Reader could possibly come to that summary.

Also got lost at the last act where everyone was counter-offering the doctor to retract his statement. But love the angst. Loved how the doctor decided to stay. Loved how everyone didn’t dare to do anything because of “public opinion”. LOVED CAPTAIN HORSTER. 够讲义气. Can’t decide/haven’t thought through the sentiments of curs and all that breeding animal stuff yet.

Some stuff about gender and feminism around the doctor’s wife and her interests in protecting the family/the children while standing up for her husband. Some more stuff about society and the free individual’s rights and responsibilities.

I think I should do these spews more often. And then maybe another round when I’m more enlightened after tutorials.

Today, Scottish prof was amiable and gave out cans of soft drink, Irn Bru, at a 9.30am class which is apparently Scotland’s second national drink after whisky (which he had to restrain himself from giving out because then he would get the sack and he still has to support his family…Ibsen reference!). Prof shaved and he looks like Harry Potter now. And he looks so much happier being in a small class teaching solely Scottish Lit so I’m bought over to give him/Scottish Lit a chance. Hwaha.

Sensibility and Romanticism prof was so cute too.

So much history today cos intro lectures.

Need to do stufff.

Precious – Don’t Doubt

I think I was more precious when I was far far away.

Hi guys. So. I’m home, back from my overseas exchange. It’s been a week. Home sweet home…to a certain extent. Something has changed, I think. I’ve made and left a bit of a home in the UK, and now I’m trying to get used to the one I’d left.

Just slightly, slightly suffocated by the weather and the people.

The weather tho. It had been positively stifling the first day I came back. It still is. The air is so thick. I broke out into some sort of a heat rash. I didn’t even go out of the house and had to take something like three showers in the day. Still trying to get used to this weather.

And then there’s the people, mostly mah fam.

No offence, I really do love my folks, but lately I’m finding them just a fraction…too much. I think it’s just having to get used to living with them again. It’s trying.

I was so happy when they came to the UK to pick me up. They’d cabbed all the way to my residence and pretty much showed up on my doorstep. Tears of joy. I still love that feeling, that memory, of missing someone and having them fly all the way there. And then showing them around, how I’d been living. That was fun.

But, I dunno. We came back, and suddenly I’m in a house full of people that I have to be accountable to, people who are close enough to run my life and can take me for granted again. I have no doubt they love me. But still. Feeling rather second best.

No space to be me.

I did learn to be somewhat independent and get on living by myself that I find being accountable to so many people stifling. There’s no other word, it’s stifling. It’s funny, when I went, I was worried about being a grown up because I was always the child that was being taken care of. And now, I’m back, I don’t want to be a child anymore. I had thought it a privilege, a luxury to be a child. And it was. But I’m outgrowing it. And it’s uncomfortable. I never thought’d I want to outgrow it.

Here, I have to take up all these roles again. I can’t just be me as an individual and do what I want. I have responsibilities that encroach on me and drive me into corners and boxes. People are imposing on me and that would have been fine if I wasn’t aware of it, but I am now. And it’s not to say that I shouldn’t have responsibilities. I should, it’s only right, and I do. It’s just getting used to that difference of being responsible for yourself being amplified to include a whole lot of other people.

I think the biggest load on my shoulders now is to be a considerate daughter. The weight of being eldest child who is trying not to fall behind.

So I just turned 21. Like a legal adult. And my whole professional future is flashing before my eyes.

Continue reading “Precious – Don’t Doubt”