so what did i miss

Hello.

Back from the dead.

But I didn’t want to say it so loud yet in case I jinxed things.

I don’t actually know how I got here.

I got tired of myself and falling into a sin I didn’t want to keep anymore. It still took me a while to kick it though, because I’d still turn to it just for hecks. So I had to be intentional about it. Just not. Going there.

I don’t know when the turn happened. All I knew was that I was ready to be rid of it and was getting serious about kicking it so I stopped feeling hypocritical when I prayed. Great start.

Also, a lot of things happening, moving in the Spirit. Things to do. That I realise I can’t be down and out now. There are just too many things to do.

God things, of course. And I need to be on the same page with God to be able to do them.

I’m feeling a holy burden. For exactly what, I can’t say yet. But it feels like it’s something to do with prayer. The thing with holy burdens is that you want to do so much at once and you want to do it now and also I’m scared of the possibly many obstacles and discouragements along the way. But it’s so heavy. I feel a fire starting somewhere.

Actually, I feel like there’s a fire started somewhere already in my community, in my country. Just needs to catch a blaze. Fan fan.

I prayed for my cousin today. And I’m really proud of that, not because of me but because I was working onboard with God. Like, I felt Him prompting me in my Spirit to do it. And it happened. And I didn’t chicken out. Praise the Lord~

Nothing extremely spectacular followed per se, as it always seems to in testimonies. It was more of a big deal for me and the act of praying for somebody, a testimony of God for His strength in allowing me to do that for someone I love, than anything else.

She was really touched and I just felt that something beautiful happened there and then. It was just a moment but I felt that God was there and He did do something, however small, revealing His heart and love for people. And I felt she was moved, not by my prayer (lel nervous so I missed out some points here and there) but that I was praying for her, the gesture of prayer itself.

Rediscovering the privilege of prayer. Feeling that we don’t do it as often as if should, to intercede for people, as we are called to do as a chosen people and priesthood. Sure, we do it in our prayer closets at home, and we should do that, but I think it’s time to take it to the marketplace. Take God to the marketplace. Don’t tell people what to believe, show them. Pray for them. It can’t hurt. That’s what Jesus was on about anyway, going to the cracks of society to meet their needs and show them His love for them. That’s what draws people to God – how His love meets them where they are.

Of course, it scares me, the marketplace. I don’t even dare to pray for my own family members like that, ripe harvest in my own backyard.

But I wasn’t scared today, like I usually am. I think because God was very clear in wanting me to do this thing and I wanted the same. And it happened. It’s quite cool. He helped me overcome myself, like not to think or worry so much, not being anxious about what my cousin might think, and to not care about anything being awkward (greatest arch nemesis ever). Really felt this supernatural peace, that this is right and good in God’s sight to do and it will be done and I’m just literally His hands and feet. I just hope I’ll be able to do the same with other things, obey His call in the marketplace. It’s usually a big (scary) deal for me, sharing God in the marketplace. I think it always is for a lot of people.

Busy week ahead. Teaching cell and doing worship on the same week wew. Literally cannot life until after church on Sunday akdsnakln.

Then again, this is the life. Better busy in God’s house than letting the devil do his work with idle hands.

And for my sin… it will be the proverbial thorn in my side which I shall contend with until I die I think. Retreated back under the carpet for now. Only hope its relapse won’t be that messy. Ungh it consumed me for three months. Have to make up for lost time now.

sos

help

turning into mush

i sincerely wish that everytime i write or meet people it will not be consistently of me breaking down or being in some sort of trouble

it wasn’t going to be

itwasn’tgoingtobeitwasn’tgoingtobeiswear

(just to be clear i had a great birthday. i had a great internship. i wanted to talk about these great things. but the static on this wave is drowning them out)

i have a chronic problem

because sin

im sorry

just read a testimony of my friend pulling out of a her own season of struggle and headed for a mission trip now and im just so touched/blessed at the place where she is writing from, a sinner saved by grace and being so humbled by God’s grace despite her weaknesses, and what am i doing with my life

it amazes me how man can be so aware and exalted to behold the highest realms of truth and beauty and still agree to be enslaved by the lowest of inhumane passions

how

how how

what the hell girl what even

cannot tank

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-20 (NIV)

i dont even know how people can doubt the existence of a spirit man when the war is keen and the struggle is real

ungh god save this soul

Was feeling conflicted by how amazing God’s love is and how crappy I am as a person and how a crappy person could rejoice and worship Him sincerely over His victory over death knowing how crappy they aree

But of course, it’s not about me

I am glad and I do rejoice that He is alive and there is a hope for the world. My unworthiness doesn’t downplay that. God is God.

I wasn’t as focused as I’d liked to have been this Lent, until Holy Week started last Monday. And then suddenly God just did His thing as if to say “you can’t do this by your own effort child do it on my effort” and He just started a fire/hunger in my heart to be pure and to desire Him, to be made more aware of His presence in my sinful fleshly body. I saw how I was helpless to my flesh without Him and how much He was doing and how if I were lazy (and I still was) I would fall all over the place.

He really just did His thing. His presence was so strong and I know He was trying to teach me stuff.

Also was so ministered to at the stations, I think especially at the third one with the trial with the Sanhedrin and the fourth one of Peter denying Jesus. Ungh I cannot take how He had to restrain himself with all the powers of Heaven at His command to take all that pain and humiliation. Like, I would have rained fire and brimstone and unleashed my wrath because I can and you guys wouldn’t even know what hit you, Sanhedrin. And I’ve been Peter so many times ungh it sucks. Actually I was ministered more than that but those were the most outstanding. Time to watch The Passion of the Christ.

I had a great weekend.

So thankful for friends. I have been so supported by friends who pray for me and look after me and encourage me unghh I wish I could be a better friend but too self-absorbed. Their prayers worked miracles and my essay sorted itself out on Friday before the due date at midnight. The whole week writing the essay I was in some kind of numbed state of mind even though I was/should be panicking over the lack of ideas. In fact, I was panicking because I wasn’t panicking enough. Ok, not really. Was really to lazy to panic even over that. And it only worked out on the day of the deadline. Stuff. Weww. So relieved afterwards.

Took the Saturday off after my essay liberation on Friday and my cousin came over and we played every Wii game I owned. Much fun much tired.

Theatre exam is in my face tomorrow and I’m just like aughhhhh. I wish I could act like Carol unghhh only appreciating how genius she is.

Had a piano therapy sesh because completely emo and uninspired. Played the longest I had for a while. Dug up all my songs. So gud.

But the thing that cheered me up and made me cry a little was watching the video of my homie get baptised today in Manchester! Wewww happy tears. I love these things I am so happy for herrr. ❤ Yay so that’s defo worth rejoicing over myself. Perspective perspective.

 

it took a zombie apocalypse

It’s late but I feel like I need to write anyways for better or for worse.

Let me just back up till Monday.

Friends are my pockets of comfort zones. I really appreciate them when I realise they are people I can be around without any pressure of having to prove myself in any way (except maybe that I’m a nice person and not overly weird or lame I usually keep that for later). Sorry, this is introverted me dealing with group work. Group work can be fun and great, especially if you need help because there are people to help you. What I don’t like about it is the whole trust building thing, and having to constantly prove that you are worth your salt and are pulling your weight. I keep comparing myself to others, worrying about whether I contributed as much as other people and whether I’m being obnoxious or overbearing in any way (I’m usually not, I’m usually the too-quiet one and so I worry about them thinking I don’t pull my weight). And also trying to not make anyone mad or annoyed by me. Just because. I dunno.

They say double consciousness (ie seeing yourself as how other people see you) is an extension from self consciousness (don’t really know what this is) but I’ve been living in double consciousness my whole life lel.

I never thought the day would come where this verse would apply to me:

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Matthew 6:24

Materialistic girl walking.

I never thought I would have a bone to pick with money. It just seemed like the least, weakest evil to fight with because it was so physical and material and external. I thought the hardest enemies to fight would be all in my head.

When it comes down to it, can I actually just not money.

What do I want. What do you want.

Ok, maybe I know what you want. But I’m still ungh about wanting what you want. Ungh.

Time to live the frugal life. It’s not that I absolutely need the moolah. It just means I have to cut back a bit on my lifestyle. Not impossible, but unghhhhhhh.

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

James 4:6

I had been humbled.

Moving on.

Walking to the train station on this unbearably hot afternoon and then the clouds came to cover the sun all the way until I reach the station.

And the whole walk there I was just amazed at how good God is.

And it dawned on me that God is crazy to love me, love us like this. I’m not talking about the weather. I’m saying He’s crazy to even care, to actually bother about me, how I feel, what I want, what I think. Me. Dust of the earth. Dust out of the millions of other dust of the earth (all dat people).

And He doesn’t have to. God, He’s God for crying out loud. Let’s get real. The reality is the created has no say, has no right, has nothing to leverage with his creator. Nothing. The creator doesn’t need to care. He doesn’t need to to do anything according to his little creation.

The fact that he does, the fact that Jesus wept with Mary even though He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead like two minutes later, the fact that He allots us that agency to be an entity in ourselves and respects that, and cares about that, even though He’s God… I’m sorry, that’s crazy. God, You’re crazy.

And it’s not because I’m worth anything for Him to love. There’s this idea that since the Lover loves the Beloved, it is the Beloved who has power over the Lover. Look at all the lovesick boys chasing the girls who got it all together. The loved has power over the lover, right?

Not even. We have nothing worth loving like that. Even if we had anything at all, definitely not enough to demand the love of God. The point is, God, God, allows Himself to love us (and allowing Himself to be hurt over us) is really just… why would you even do that? That’s foolish, a foolish love. That’s stupid.

I’m just amazed. I’m blown away.

Jesus is loving with a stupid love because He is loving me, a nothing.

 I can’t understand this love that keeps me alive, that keeps my heart beating. It is the least beneficial love for Him. He makes Himself vulnerable and lost so much to save me.

Stupid love. Beautiful love. Pure love.

A love, for once, that’s not based on what you can get out of it, that’s not about you. You have everything to lose but love anyway.

Lastly.

It took a zombie apocalypse for me to realise how much You did on that cross for me.

Drama class this week, we did body voting on moral dilemmas. It was an experience, that’s for sure.

We came across this dilemma:

You’re in a zombie apocalypse. You have the vaccine to the zombie virus in your blood, but to extract it for the possibility of a cure, you will have to die a slow and painful death to stop the virus from spreading. Will you give yourself up for the vaccine?

A good number of us drifted to the “Yes” side, the mentality being that:

  • since I was going to die anyway, might as well save the world
  • I’d be recognised as a hero

Some of us didn’t catch it being a slow and painful death and after repeating the question, they edged to the “No” side a bit more before pleading for a quick and painless death. The “No” people were like “it’s only a possibility of a cure”.

This is exactly what Jesus did on that cross and I’m only getting it now because apparently a zombie apocalypse is more relatable and real a scenario for me to empathise with. It’s funny cos we were talking about defamiliarization and alienation in epic theatre that lesson, that is, staging something that helps us see the thing for what it is with new eyes and perspectives because our reactions have been so habitualised that we lose it. It’s like seeing stuff for the first time again, making the stone “stony”.

Zombie apocalypse totally did it for me. Seeing Calvary with new eyes.

Jesus gave himself up to give us a cure. And His stakes were much much higher:

  • He didn’t do it because He was going to “die anyway”. He came down for that very purpose of dying to give us the vaccine. Imagine if the zombie thing was only limited to a country, and the person with the vaccine in his blood purposefully went there to die for that country. It’s not as if he was there all along and he just did it as a by the way thing. No, He took the flight to get there. To die.
  • He died as a criminal. A criminal. When he was innocent. Dying as a hero, maybe the best way to die. Even if you went uncredited, it would still be ok. But dying as a criminal, when you’re innocent. Dang, the levels of humiliation. The worst way to go.
  • Slow and painful death – check. On a cross, death by asphyxiation.
  • To add to all that, the people He was going to help vaccinate against the virus didn’t like Him. They weren’t His friends. Maybe for friends and family, people you cared about, you might die for them. But would you do it for your enemies, for people you don’t like or can’t stand, for people who don’t believe you exist? As far as I’m concerned, they can all become zombies with me. But no. Jesus died to vaccinate people who hated Him, people who would never acknowledge His existence. He did it for everyone, before they realised they were all zombies and needed a vaccine.
  • And it’s only a possibility of a cure. Not that the vaccine won’t work, but that not everyone would take it for it to work. Not everyone would believe it works, it cures, and that’s the possibility He had to take. That He could die in vain. That He could die, with the vaccine sitting there in vats in a lab, and no one injects themselves with it and everyone becoming zombies.

Throughout the whole thing, it showed me I had a lot of morals to work on. And I question whether I would really be as altruistic to those I voted nobly when it came down to it. And also the double consciousness of not doing what I said/voted I would or vice versa.

Thoughts for only half a week/three days. Enough to last a whiles.

clink

completely uninspired to life at the moment zzz. and by that, I mean that this 3.5k essay due in 2 weeks is not happening ungh doom doom. just wanna sit around and talk to people about life without living mine. donch know where this is going.

last night I dreamt that Julie Andrews was my mum and Carol Burnett was my long-lost aunt and we had like a lunch together or something and had fun and laughed and I was so happy I had Carol for an aunt. And I told her I thought Harvey was cute and she laughed. also I wasn’t me. I was some little girl with brown hair and blue eyes. I was white. not that it bothered me much. because I was still me inside. someone has been putting up new Carol sketches which may or may not explain these dreams. not complaining tho.

living life only half conscious of late. just drifting by everything and doing things without thinking.

dripped some water onto my computer and now the mouse moves by itself like its possessed so I’ve been using brother’s the whole week. I’m pretty sure I dripped water on it before and it recovered after the water evaporated but it didn’t work out this time even after I hairdried it. death by careless owner. tragic.

need to write chapter nine of fanfic before I reach one year mark of not updating in three months. all the numbers.

bought this huge ass humongous poncho from uniqlo and I love the hobo feels. gonna wrap myself up in it wherever.

watched and fevered over Sense and Sensibility by Emma Thompson and gang. it was real yummy. then went on a Thompson spree and skimmed her in Wit where there are too many feels. watch it.

had an interview last week and it was really fun. I talked so much and I felt so validated when I left and then I looked back on what just happened and got hit by so much cringe. but it was fun. so. I think it just feels nice to be able to talk and tell people about yourself and have them be really interested in you. even if only economical. but I don’t think they were just being economical.

also played some question card game for leaders retreat where we went straight into conversations about our opinions and things we cared about in pairs. I asked questions on white lies and school, tattoos and the moon. my partner asked about make up and God and other stuff I can’t remember now. that was fun too.

had really good conversations with people I don’t usually talk to where I just sat and listened and actually cared. refreshing. good week. good weekend. busy week. busy weekend.

thoughts to the metaphorical proverbial penny.

Spew

I feel like it’s time to write (and then not really because it’s already past 12 and not the most ideal time to start spewing thoughts).

Condensed thoughts:
How I really need to sink my roots deep and drink in from the streams of living water because I need to be nourished to nourish and grow and bless. Not enough nourishment=keeping all the good stuff for self-preservation=not enough to give and love people.

Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers. 

Psalm 1:1-3

How to be planted? Meditate on his law day and night. Actually intentionally spend time with this person I claim to be my Lord and God and savior and whom I pledge love and devotion to. Actions, actions.

Fixing my heart and mind on the heavenly and spiritual things. Away from all the worldly thing and desires of my own heart.

I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a tension about this. Spirit and flesh having one of those tug of war things again, and not necessarily about my destiny either. Spirit is holding out but the flesh is putting up a struggle in its losing fight. It’s tired, even on the winning side. And sometimes the line smudges and I trip a little but it’s all good because I come back at the end of the day. Still feeling vulnerable-ish. Like I’ll fall at any wind that blows by. But not yet anyhows.

Everyone was sharing their testimonies at cell this week and it was really refreshing because for once, not everyone started with “I grew up in church”. It’s so good to see how God draws different people to Himself and to hear their own experiences with Him. It’s just great. I usually don’t like these “how did you meet God” things because I never had that pin drop moment where God became super clear to me/ I accepted Him at this certain point in my life and then my whole world changed. My story isn’t dramatic. It’s not even a story; it just happened and I’m still in the process. Sometimes, I’m kind of envious about other people’s great story but I know that everyone has their own struggles and stuff. And it’s interesting because I felt like my story was just something archaic/fixed in the past and just something to share when people asked me. I’ve formulated my testimony and I wonder what else I missed in keeping my testimony short and story like, and questioning myself why I chose to mention certain things over others.

Surprised at how much this sentiment, “don’t think that because your parents are Christian, you automatically become a Christian too”, was so strong in shaping my journey. I hate hearing this as I was growing up because it negates all of my thoughts and experience with God in one sweeping generalization, in that it’s not mine. My walk was not my own. It was my parents’. So undermining. I understood where it was coming from, of course, but as someone who was actually questioning if I really did believe God for myself (and whether for the right reasons at that), this just riled me. Not all of us want to ride on our parents’ walk with God ok. Not everyone thinks like that. I wanted God for myself, to know Him myself and to make this walk mine. I don’t know why this defined me so much. So much I left out but I guess it’s because the walk isn’t finished and I’m still learning so.

After the sermon on our destinies, there was an altar call and a few of us lost and clueless twenty somethings went up together. I was wondering what I ought to pray, what I wanted, what I should tell the prayer lady when she came to me. Turns out I didn’t have to tell her anything, she just went and did her thing. The word was that I needed to slow down and re-look at my priorities (which was surprising because I thought I was already very slow moving lol). And I went and offered up what I had been intending to pray for: mostly direction in the 101 ministries and open doors, direction career wise (eek), and above all, to know His will for me, to want His will for me and to have the courage to follow Him in it. Don’t want to be faithful without purpose. Don’t want to have purpose but not be faithful to it. I feel like I’m both zzz.

I went up there to get prayed for, not really so much of the expectation that bam, God speaks to me and tells me something like “gurl, you gonna be a ____” or “do this and this” even though I did go up to pray about my destiny and stuff like that. How shall I say it… the general sense I got after it all was that I may not know the plans per se but I know the one who is planning my life, and maybe at that moment, that’s all I needed to know, that’s what God saw fit to give me in that point of time to meet my worries. I know what it’s like having to make big life changing decisions and wanting to honor God in that decision by choosing what He wants. I know what it’s like to pray about it and then not hear anything, or anything specific in what He wants you to do. It’s frustrating, especially if you gotta make decisions NOW. After all, the Bible doesn’t tell you what job you should take and what schools you should go to and who you should marry etc. But I dunno, silence/non answers doesn’t mean you stop praying about it. It doesn’t mean for me to stop seeking God about it, or that I shouldn’t even try because I won’t get an answer. I pray for loads of things and God doesn’t give me all of them but that doesn’t mean I stop praying to Him when I want or need something. I feel like, just going to Him, even out of a want or need, shows that you still recognize who has the power and who is the Giver of stuff. And maybe it is through prayer as a process that helps you get a clearer picture about God’s POV and how you should move on from there. Maybe it’s not a matter of getting an answer but the changing of your heart and POV to be able to see that this certain answer makes sense. I dunno.

Pray without ceasing.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Still difficult to do and sometimes I don’t want to pray about decisions because sometimes I don’t hear anything and I just end up doing whatever I want. So I dunno, it’s still a bit of a question mark for me. But God has revealed decisions to me, almost never straight out, but very slowly, and sometimes not at all. But my job, at least, is to come to Him with it in the first place, and let Him be God and do His god thing at the expense of my frustration because He doesn’t meet my human expectations. Ha.

Strange space of talking to loads of people at once and wanting to be so emotionally invested in all of them (and I am, really) but I dunno how good a friend I’m actually being to them. Please don’t mind me friends. Thanks.

Not as condensed as I might have liked but it’ll do for now ugh.

React

just an off-the-bat response to, um, something:

what about judging others for good things what about judging on judging what about loving before judging where loving does not mean accepting everything someone does what about judging as a way of loving because there is still right and wrong what about the extent one can or is allowed to judge what about simply having opinions how about the freedom to have standards kept which is something you get through judging a piece of work for quality what about the freedom to improve which also comes through some form of judgement how about judging the product and not the character and not mixing them up to consider that judgement as malice

#triggeredslightly

Augh no fair Ryan you got closure and I didn’t augh.

Waheva. Too lazy to go on.

I’m in the auditorium now and it’s like I’ve come home at last. It’s been too long. Didn’t have any classes here last sem so I’ve virtually not been here for a year. Oh how I’ve missed this. Childhood. Year one childhood.

Also got a jumpstart on my readings and finished Henrik Ibsen’s An Enemy of the People. So many feels. So. Many. FEELS. Ungh love Ibsen. Loved his Dollhouse. Loved this. Still trying to sort out thoughts.

Basically. I think. Everyone has their vested interest yes, as evidenced by everyone’s support/betrayal of the doctor. Majority doesn’t mean truth, as per what the doctor said. But minority doesn’t mean it either. The number of people believing in something doesn’t qualify something as truth. Then again what is truth. It’s odd because I feel that context wise it’s science=truth vs tradition/majority and I agree with the doctor’s arguments for the science part but I don’t agree with the wider repercussions of science vs others. Because my truth lies with the others. Actually my truth intersects both. So agree with the thought process, but iffy on the content and what that means on a wider scale.

Actually I don’t know. I just thought it was intense and dramatic and real and modern and I loved the angst minus the iffiness.

And iffy where Petra was talking about the English book she was supposed to translate where it was described to be about “a supernatural power that looks after the so-called good people in this world and makes everything happen for the best in their case – while all the so-called bad people are punished.” Only talking about this because it sounds like something someone might say about the Bible. I say might because I don’t honestly think anyone who reads the whole Bible would sum it up in such a way. Like, you can’t just walk away from reading the Bible and just draw such a small conclusion, or that kind of conclusion anyhows. It would be a complete missing the forest for the trees. I just can’t grasp that any General Intelligent Reader could possibly come to that summary.

Also got lost at the last act where everyone was counter-offering the doctor to retract his statement. But love the angst. Loved how the doctor decided to stay. Loved how everyone didn’t dare to do anything because of “public opinion”. LOVED CAPTAIN HORSTER. 够讲义气. Can’t decide/haven’t thought through the sentiments of curs and all that breeding animal stuff yet.

Some stuff about gender and feminism around the doctor’s wife and her interests in protecting the family/the children while standing up for her husband. Some more stuff about society and the free individual’s rights and responsibilities.

I think I should do these spews more often. And then maybe another round when I’m more enlightened after tutorials.

Today, Scottish prof was amiable and gave out cans of soft drink, Irn Bru, at a 9.30am class which is apparently Scotland’s second national drink after whisky (which he had to restrain himself from giving out because then he would get the sack and he still has to support his family…Ibsen reference!). Prof shaved and he looks like Harry Potter now. And he looks so much happier being in a small class teaching solely Scottish Lit so I’m bought over to give him/Scottish Lit a chance. Hwaha.

Sensibility and Romanticism prof was so cute too.

So much history today cos intro lectures.

Need to do stufff.