church things

don’t know what happened just now but. worship. at least for me. wasn’t part of it. kasjnlkcns.

need to jam later.

I just feel so bad and terribly sorry towards everybody for my lack lmao unghhh. but at least it’s bad feels stemming from a place that’s not double conscious (ie not from how other people think of me and therefore not about me wew big step there clap clap).

I don’t even feel bad as much as I feel apologetic. Which is good, I think. Cos at least. I feel like practicing and trying to get it all down and working it all out. Instead of just wallowing.

lmao I just feel sorry in advance for the people who will be in the band as I learn. on the job.

zzz I need to do so mucchhhh need so much help. help.

But but but despite crashing and burning throughout, I managed to look up and actually see the congregation this time and I saw people worshipping, like people actually ready and worshipping and responding. So yas, it was really just a reminder that if God wants to move and He wants to come and meet His people right, our lack can’t stop Him. He will just do his thing and be there and touch people. It’s really not about us. Never was, never is. So assuring that people got to worship despite me huehue.

of course that don’t mean i don’t level up lelel gonna werk it.

Also, on a happier note, one of my kids came back to cell today and cell was fun stuff. Before we split up into our cells, the host was like “leaders, please take some time to share with each other about life and get to know your cell moore” and then we prayed and I had this brainwave for the usual ice breaking routine thang.

We did like a “go around the cell to share how you are feeling today but you can’t repeat a feeling if someone else had said it” hahaha. And so naturally someone wanted to start first which was gr8 no awkward silence there wew.

On the whole, cell was feeling excited-tired(me haha I said this so that the kids couldn’t cos they’re like tired every week lmao)-happy-reluctant-discontented-amused-exhausted-(forgot oops)-amazed-on the edge-released. Haha. What a mixed bag. Synonyms unleash. It was a great sharing sesh. People were sharing about what was going on in their lives and everyone had something interesting to say and to engage with each otherr. Broke the ice completely and got everyone nice and comfy so. awesome stuff ptl.

That was God right there, seriously. Actually, God has been providing me with the icebreaking activities for cell for every single cell time such that I don’t have to stress about it (and socialising always stresses me so). Yea Imma just amazed how God can just give great ideas five minutes before cell time. Crayy. God you cray. love it.

Yea and then we had a chill time of playing some board game and snacking on cake and strawberries, peace offerings from another cell which came to crash. aye fun stuff.

Ok that was a satisfying/good conclusion to the church thangs, apart from the sermon (ironically haha which was about death in case you were wondering). Just learning about God and seeing Him irl in addition to the sermon. Always different every week. always busy, not always all good, but always much fruitful.

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so what did i miss

Hello.

Back from the dead.

But I didn’t want to say it so loud yet in case I jinxed things.

I don’t actually know how I got here.

I got tired of myself and falling into a sin I didn’t want to keep anymore. It still took me a while to kick it though, because I’d still turn to it just for hecks. So I had to be intentional about it. Just not. Going there.

I don’t know when the turn happened. All I knew was that I was ready to be rid of it and was getting serious about kicking it so I stopped feeling hypocritical when I prayed. Great start.

Also, a lot of things happening, moving in the Spirit. Things to do. That I realise I can’t be down and out now. There are just too many things to do.

God things, of course. And I need to be on the same page with God to be able to do them.

I’m feeling a holy burden. For exactly what, I can’t say yet. But it feels like it’s something to do with prayer. The thing with holy burdens is that you want to do so much at once and you want to do it now and also I’m scared of the possibly many obstacles and discouragements along the way. But it’s so heavy. I feel a fire starting somewhere.

Actually, I feel like there’s a fire started somewhere already in my community, in my country. Just needs to catch a blaze. Fan fan.

I prayed for my cousin today. And I’m really proud of that, not because of me but because I was working onboard with God. Like, I felt Him prompting me in my Spirit to do it. And it happened. And I didn’t chicken out. Praise the Lord~

Nothing extremely spectacular followed per se, as it always seems to in testimonies. It was more of a big deal for me and the act of praying for somebody, a testimony of God for His strength in allowing me to do that for someone I love, than anything else.

She was really touched and I just felt that something beautiful happened there and then. It was just a moment but I felt that God was there and He did do something, however small, revealing His heart and love for people. And I felt she was moved, not by my prayer (lel nervous so I missed out some points here and there) but that I was praying for her, the gesture of prayer itself.

Rediscovering the privilege of prayer. Feeling that we don’t do it as often as if should, to intercede for people, as we are called to do as a chosen people and priesthood. Sure, we do it in our prayer closets at home, and we should do that, but I think it’s time to take it to the marketplace. Take God to the marketplace. Don’t tell people what to believe, show them. Pray for them. It can’t hurt. That’s what Jesus was on about anyway, going to the cracks of society to meet their needs and show them His love for them. That’s what draws people to God – how His love meets them where they are.

Of course, it scares me, the marketplace. I don’t even dare to pray for my own family members like that, ripe harvest in my own backyard.

But I wasn’t scared today, like I usually am. I think because God was very clear in wanting me to do this thing and I wanted the same. And it happened. It’s quite cool. He helped me overcome myself, like not to think or worry so much, not being anxious about what my cousin might think, and to not care about anything being awkward (greatest arch nemesis ever). Really felt this supernatural peace, that this is right and good in God’s sight to do and it will be done and I’m just literally His hands and feet. I just hope I’ll be able to do the same with other things, obey His call in the marketplace. It’s usually a big (scary) deal for me, sharing God in the marketplace. I think it always is for a lot of people.

Busy week ahead. Teaching cell and doing worship on the same week wew. Literally cannot life until after church on Sunday akdsnakln.

Then again, this is the life. Better busy in God’s house than letting the devil do his work with idle hands.

And for my sin… it will be the proverbial thorn in my side which I shall contend with until I die I think. Retreated back under the carpet for now. Only hope its relapse won’t be that messy. Ungh it consumed me for three months. Have to make up for lost time now.

Remembering the time I…

was worked up into this worried wreck (either on a Sunday morning which I was serving or an exam) and I prayed and God took it all away and His peace which surpasses all understanding just came and covered me.

woke up feeling unprepared for an exam and had two verses come to me almost immediately one after the other:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27 (NIV)

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 (NIV)

wandered out twice in deep, dark evenings with only my other girl friend for company in the UK through deserted parks and parts of the city where anything could have happened and maybe almost did but was kept safe.

was constantly surrounded by good friends and company wherever I went in whatever season.

failed to enrol in three out of four of my modules for the next semester and wormed my way into a couple of others as the numbers went up and down so that I could take a decent amount of credits and hopefully graduate on time.

was given words of wisdom from different people on different occasions that just shed the light I needed.
Continue reading “Remembering the time I…”

Just a quickie – God slayed it today and I just want to put this down somewhere to remember.

Thank you as always for giving me the opportunity and the honor to serve with whatever little I have. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you for new opportunities and for coming through for me in every way. Thank you for helping me overcome some things and do things I couldn’t do before. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for helping me multi task and call out cues when I need to loop a repeated riff. Thank you for this week’s set list which just spoke to my heart when I got it on Wednesday because it was really my heart’s cry in this season of exams. Thank you for giving me this set which doesn’t have overly difficult keyboard parts. And thank you for giving me time, head and heart to prep for service despite mugging. 

Thank you for really nice big people who are willing to help me and pray for me. Thank you for the words of wisdom, encouragement, affirmation and anointing you give to me through them. Thank you for their years of experience, that they can just read my mind and count off without vocal cues. 

Thank you for delivering me from the sin that had crouched at the door, from the the prowling lion that had looked to devour me. I would have fallen into a deep and dark and dangerous place and take ages to claw my way out should I have passed the threshold. Two counts of the seven deadly sins, lust and envy, I’d warped from the blessings you’d given me. Thank you for showing me what the truth was, what righteousness was, and for breaking through my crap to strengthen me against temptations. Thank you for using them for good in the end. Thank you for helping me to not go there.

Please continue to teach me and love me and help me love you and love your people. I may not understand all that you do, but go on doing what you do. 

 

 

Backlog

Backlog of seasons. Life recap.

First I was good and lovely and life was wonderful because I was good and lovely.

Then I got mean and horrible and empty and I wondered what happened and what it all meant and why I was so helpless. See previous post.

After that I got caught up in some theological thunderstorm which made me question everything I ever knew and wonder some more about life and God and sovereignty and free will.

Now, I have been eased out of my own head and delivered from a week of serving twice in various capacities for worship in the most understated but loving way possible.

I know God is trying to say something here and I’m not quite sure what it is exactly yet, but let me try anyways.

It was something about faith and trust.

Yes, there is human agency to a point. Yes, God can sustain this relationship without us because He is completely complete in and of Himself and He never needed us in that sense. But yes, He still wants us and have this relationship with us fallen, failed people who do have an agency to an extent.

It was easier to see this abstract concept in the workings of serving for worship.

God gave me songs really early last week for school and it was a pretty good set based on feedback. He saw me through the session and blessed all my relationships and moved people and rested His presence in that place. God’s sovereignty. I still had to pray over it and transpose and print chords to make sure they were singable and do techy music things and write devos and do briefings and actually be there and lead. My part of the partnership.

It’s a two-way thing.

God helped me to do homework and prep for service this week. He gave me sounds for the songs and more music techy help from friends and encouragement and affirmation from experienced older people. God’s work. I had to do the homework and write/memorize/practice and be there at prac. My work.

It’s a line I’m still figuring out. Worship is. Life is. It’s so difficult to remember and to keep the balance.

I never know how to take the “you did good” comments because I’m like yeaaa noo I dunnoo it was me but it wasn’t all me and like I dunno I shouldn’t/can’t take all the credit and it’s iffy. And I kinda don’t wanna fall into the “my music competency = my identity/self-worth” and be too overly proud/happy about it.

I still screwed up here and there and I want to reach a point where even though I didn’t play play perfect, I still know and feel legit as part of the worship team to share my feels in confidence.

This recent worship experience was something else. He didn’t let me panic even though my head kind of ‘wanted’ to (you know how you feel that you’re more in control when you worry, that kind of thing). Like it was telling me I should and I was worried that I wasn’t as worried as I thought I should be. It felt weird. Because I felt it so strongly that He had put His foot down and He absolutely did not allow me to worry. Even though I wanted to and felt like I had to.

I found a kind of understated joy in serving this week. In doing homework. In being musically aware while not emphasizing on the music. It wasn’t all about music techy stuff. I don’t know how to say. Like it wasn’t the high euphoric kind of thing. It was just in the doing. And I wasn’t exactly in the best place spiritually either. Was still easing out of my confusions so in retrospect, I was just going into it really relying on God. And He did something amazing this week.

I’m still trying to understand and wrap my head around it. Cos it was an experience. And I’m a word person. I’m a “God pls speak to me through the Bible in black and white so that I can like remember this is the way to go/live.” I want to understand stuff. I want to understand God.

But I think there are limits to understanding someone as big as God, not w this lil brain of mine. And what’s more important is knowing God, knowing Him as a person, that friend who’s got your back.

Still, even though now I’m basking in how amazing God, I’m still like “God can you please do a debrief in words so that I know I’ve got you right and can no how to live/move on from here pls.” Haha.

No words. Thanks God.

I Just Remembered

I had a bit of thanksgiving that I wanted to put up here!

I kept putting it off because… I dunno, life. And busy. But life will always be busy so this is part of the busy that I have to life.

Catch that? Yep, coming through real clear here. Anyhoo.

So imma gonna share three thanksgivings, to be exact, because after I procrastinated on the first one, a couple more came in and I was like dontforgetdontforgetdontforget so I’m writing it all down now.

They aren’t really what I considered a big deal of a testimony. Like, they aren’t radical and mindblowing, all that kind of jazz. But when I was there and God came through, it was important, it is important to me, no matter how small it seemed. So.

The first one happened way back in December 2015 when I was at a church camp. My brother and I were in a bit of a fitness fever then. He was prepping to go to the army and I was just trying to not be a potato. We were gonna swim on our last free and easy afternoon because we’d been eating too much for meals (dat buffet tho).

Apparently we weren’t the only ones thinking of spending our time at the pool. When we went to check it out, we were greeted by a cacophony of little kids with their parents, splashing about and having a great time. It was going to be impossible to swim through that ruckus. We were like, erm, now, what. But we tried to be optimistic about this so we changed and met back at the pool in 15 minutes.

The pool was completely cleared by the time we came back. It was amazing how all those people completely disappeared so quickly.  At first we were thrilled. But then we realised why everyone had left.

It was raining.

It wasn’t a very heavy rain, but it was heavy enough such that it wasn’t the safest to swim. We meandered along the edges of the pool and settled in the deck chairs, unsure. We didn’t want to have to swim in fear of getting struck by lightning or whatever, but we didn’t want to go back and change again. We were all ready to hop in and burn some fat.

So we sat and we thought we would wait it out. Maybe like 10, 15 minutes.

It was one of those annoying things, where you’re all revved and prepped and things happen. Like rain. You can’t really tell with rain when it will stop and stuff. If it were just the kids. we could at least swim through and kick them out of the way (HAHA just kidding we only kick them sometimes but that’s because they DON’T LOOK WHERE THEY SWIMMING, plus we’re such long people). But you can’t control the rain.

I think it was the message of the camp that actually led me to pray. I can’t remember the message now, ironically, but it made me pray. So I prayed aloud, very shortly and simply, something like “Dear God, please stop the rain so that we can swim. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

We waited for a little while more, watching the pool, before we realised that the ripples on the surface were getting fewer. The rain was lightening up. Brother was amazed. “Wow, it actually worked!”  In my head, I was like, well, duh, he walked on water and calmed the storm, what’s a bit of rain to him? But I was also amazed. Like, sometimes I pray and I don’t always expect the ‘yes’ because of the trusting in His sovereignty thing. Then when He does say yes, I’m like yay.

By the time we snapped on our goggles and slipped into the pool, the ripples had completely stopped.

It took less than two minutes or so since I prayed. God is so amazing. I can’t help feeling that he made it rain to clear the pool out haha. Both of us had the entire pool to ourselves to do our laps so that was great. Really thank God for that.

The other two happened when I was in UK. They’re really very minor things compared to what God did over the course of my exchange but these two stuck the most.

I got a really bad case of hiccups once. I never usually get hiccups and even if I did, they weren’t this bad. It really hurt and they wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t study or anything and I was just hoping that they go away. I think it was near my bedtime too, but I couldn’t sleep with such a bad fit of hiccups.

I was like God pleaseeeeee stop my hiccups. Make it stahppp it hurts.

And then they really stopped. Just like that. Bam. Like I was expecting the next hiccup and it didn’t come. It didn’t come at all after that. It just died. Dayummm.

Then the other time, God fixed the tap in my sink. It started to leak no matter how tightly I screwed the taps. It never leaked before but now it wouldn’t stop. I put an empty bottle to catch all that water and it kept filling up too quickly. I tried to get the maintenance people to fix it for me but I couldn’t find the email with my maintenance account details so I couldn’t file a report. On hindsight, I guess I could have just gone to the office to tell them about it, but I had heard how anal they were about strictly filing for maintenance online. No walk-ins allowed. So. I prayed. I tried to do without praying at first and really tightened the taps to the max. But it wouldn’t stop. And I couldn’t get maintenance.

So I prayed when I was tightening the taps this one time and lo, it actually stopped leaking. I waited for a while because you think it stops but it’s still leaking, just real slowly.

It actually stopped. Hwahaha. Ecstatic.

If you’re still with me, this is why I don’t go up in the front to share testimonies. Because this is what I would share and it’s so. Meh. But, yeah. God is the main character. It’s not about my lame problems, it’s about how God comes through them no matter how lame.

They still amaze me though. Thank you God for listening to all my small prayers like this. You awesome.