Was feeling conflicted by how amazing God’s love is and how crappy I am as a person and how a crappy person could rejoice and worship Him sincerely over His victory over death knowing how crappy they aree
But of course, it’s not about me
I am glad and I do rejoice that He is alive and there is a hope for the world. My unworthiness doesn’t downplay that. God is God.
I wasn’t as focused as I’d liked to have been this Lent, until Holy Week started last Monday. And then suddenly God just did His thing as if to say “you can’t do this by your own effort child do it on my effort” and He just started a fire/hunger in my heart to be pure and to desire Him, to be made more aware of His presence in my sinful fleshly body. I saw how I was helpless to my flesh without Him and how much He was doing and how if I were lazy (and I still was) I would fall all over the place.
He really just did His thing. His presence was so strong and I know He was trying to teach me stuff.
Also was so ministered to at the stations, I think especially at the third one with the trial with the Sanhedrin and the fourth one of Peter denying Jesus. Ungh I cannot take how He had to restrain himself with all the powers of Heaven at His command to take all that pain and humiliation. Like, I would have rained fire and brimstone and unleashed my wrath because I can and you guys wouldn’t even know what hit you, Sanhedrin. And I’ve been Peter so many times ungh it sucks. Actually I was ministered more than that but those were the most outstanding. Time to watch The Passion of the Christ.
I had a great weekend.
So thankful for friends. I have been so supported by friends who pray for me and look after me and encourage me unghh I wish I could be a better friend but too self-absorbed. Their prayers worked miracles and my essay sorted itself out on Friday before the due date at midnight. The whole week writing the essay I was in some kind of numbed state of mind even though I was/should be panicking over the lack of ideas. In fact, I was panicking because I wasn’t panicking enough. Ok, not really. Was really to lazy to panic even over that. And it only worked out on the day of the deadline. Stuff. Weww. So relieved afterwards.
Took the Saturday off after my essay liberation on Friday and my cousin came over and we played every Wii game I owned. Much fun much tired.
Theatre exam is in my face tomorrow and I’m just like aughhhhh. I wish I could act like Carol unghhh only appreciating how genius she is.
Had a piano therapy sesh because completely emo and uninspired. Played the longest I had for a while. Dug up all my songs. So gud.
But the thing that cheered me up and made me cry a little was watching the video of my homie get baptised today in Manchester! Wewww happy tears. I love these things I am so happy for herrr. ❤ Yay so that’s defo worth rejoicing over myself. Perspective perspective.