almost twenty two

On the brink of twenty twoo and feeling so blue dah dummmm~

Hello.

After being cooped up for seven hours straight typing at the computer at work and complaining of how sitting that long will kill me, guess what I decide to do for approximately the next hour or so (give or take) with my life. Clap clap.

Since the last post one month ago, I fell into a deep dark hole.

I think life’s like that. When you get high mountain moments and think it’s all fine and dandy, you sink deep real quick all of a sudden.

Hole came out of nowhere. Fell straight in. Don’t know if I’m fully out yet. I’d like to think I have. Definitely feeling less…tempted. But what are feelings.

I wanted to rid myself of it though, especially before I turn 22, enter my next season in life. I don’t want this on my back. Hope it’s happening for good.

Got a job helping people, saving kids. People are so nice that I feel extra bad about being so slow/blur/inefficient. I am doing stuff I think I can, like write. But it never used to be a time thing in school. In school, they were like “go deep” so I went deep but then I could take my time about that, as long as I got things done before deadlines. Which were weeks away. Not like in days.

Just don’t wanna be a burdennn sorry in advance please continue giving me chances thankss.

These are the moments I’m glad I don’t get paid cos then I can make mistakes and learn things more guilt-freely.

I miss doing non-artsy stuff on my non-artsy brain so that I can bop to beats but I can’t cos I have to write. Sad.

Also, boss is appealing to my academic intellectual side because he’s so smart and fast and stuff and I’m aww yiss but he’s not emotionally attracting me even though he’s so nice and so patient (like srsly) but my head wants me to like him because my head is absolutely living off this guy does this make sense.

Stop it, head. Be professional.

This helps me in no way whatsoever as well because I become extra stupid around smart people I like.

Moving on.

Thankful for friends as always. No words.

Need more God. And Bible time. And prayer time. More God in general.

I feel like I’m a nicer person when I’m struggling with issues. I fell into that hole and was struggling with myself but I feel like I become nicer to people even though I should have/and did feel hypocritical. Now that I think I’m coming out of it, I feel like I’m losing control elsewhere. Like my tongue. Like I’ve been not nice again. And I’ve been saying things which may/may not be as appropriate. I realise I can’t control my tongue. And myself for that matter.

Has it become easier to put on masks and pretend everything is ok than be my actual, not ok self.

Last year I was in UK and spent a lovely, pretty carefree birthday with my folks over waffles and crepes which were ridiculously good.

Who knew this year I’d be spending it like this (not that “this” is better/worse, it’s just such a different situation). Gonna be in the office with things due cos Friday. My colleagues are nice and stuff. But it’s one of those birthdays where I don’t feel like I have to make a momentous thing out of it, for myself etc. Like I don’t feel the pressure of that special day. Actually kind of like the lack of pressure. Have I finally outgrown myself and making it all about me. Feel normal about it.

Practiced my four instruments this couple of days for no reason. Revived my hulusi and practiced the Da Chang Jin OST on it. Thinking of trying on other tunes on it but it has such a small range. Need to research. Such a nice sound tho. Practiced guitar too. Suck at that one.

Suddenly feeling a bit afraid of myself, and how I’ll mess up my life and my relationships with good people and people I want to be a good friend too, and about tomorrow.

Can I just skip my birthday this year. Or postpone it. When I feel like. I dunno. Not so ambiguous/badly about myself.

Are these my last thoughts of my 21 self why am I being so feely now