Consequences

Paying for the consequences of some past crime. Still for paying it now.

Although the crime now seems to be my own stupidity, my own lack of discretion, my folly. I’m just not really smart for this game of life.

(Random relates to Jean Valjean)

On the one hand, am heartened at improvement, want to let loose, really want to enjoy it all for once. For once.

On the other hand, the improvement means we’re still not there yet, we are still falling short, we cannot answer to the people around us.

How many wrongs make a right. Who makes the wrong, who makes the right.

A thing with no name cannot be addressed. Cannot be justified. Cannot be rectified.

Making things up as they go along is tres difficult. Tres.

How do I bear this now. What can I say. What can I say.

Used to think that people pleasing, if for the right people, isn’t a bad thing. Like how good peer pressure is good.

But really, maybe I’m just scared of doing it wrong. Who doesn’t.

I have to do the scary thing now to think for myself, shoulder some things for myself, even if they cannot be said or justified.

I can be blameless before God but He needs to help present me as blameless before Man.

I’m just not very smart.