Thoughts on Kokoro

I need to think, and I need to write, and I need to articulate. Otherwise I may end up in this mesh of tangled half-sparks, and remain essentially dead in them.

What is the point of so many thoughts unspoken.

I have become lazy and I have taken a lot of thinking for granted. I must pick up the pen. I need to write and stop wallowing in the death of non-production. Ok, not non-production. Non-reflection.


I’m taking a postgrad module on culture this sem, covering what culture is how it came to be, the many changes and transitions of societal relations which have cumulated into this point of human history. That’s a general gist. And I love this class in the sense of how it really pulls back the veil of the foundations of human relationships in modern society now, the driving forces behind how we now live, what we have come to prioritize, how we view other people. There is a lot we don’t really think or talk about today as we go through the motions of life in this state of semi-consciousness, but it is so relevant. I feel like I’m transported back in time and space every class, going backwards in history to learn what were new ideas then, and seeing that train of continuity in how it meets with life today. We are fascinating people, and we had a great deal of geniuses. Also, Prof is a time machine.

Today, we talked through Kokoro by Natsume Soseki and we had an interesting discussion on the tensions between the traditional and the modern which was a big deal in the age of transition, the Meiji Restoration, in Japan. Traditional and modern ideals were represented by the three main characters – Sensei, K and the narrator. (Loads of spoilers coming up so don’t mind me)

In short, we concluded that K very obviously embodied the traditional, ascetic Japanese ideals in the form of a purer-than-Pure Land strand of Buddhism. Sensei, on the other hand, represented the conflicted nature of having modern inclinations to an extent, and not having much tradition to go on or retain, in part due to his family’s betrayal and being cheated out of his inheritance. He thus develops this modern cynicism and “selfish” pragmatism in being wary of others and keeping on his guard all the time. His testament, which is somewhat self-aware, also reflects his development as a modern persona. (Apparently, self- consciousness and self-awareness are not the same thing! We are all self-conscious but we may not all be self-aware. Mindblowing.) His eventual suicide, following the trend of K and General Nogi with the passing of the Meiji emperor, seems to be one that puts the nail in the coffin in establishing him as the selfish modern individual rather than redeeming him in any way (since his decision was borne out of guilt rather than of honor or integrity). The story thus ends with Sensei’s testament, and the narrator fleeing to Tokyo to go to Sensei rather than to remain with his own dying father, who is also a representative of the old Japanese mindset, though less religious and intense compared to K. The narrator’s “choice” in that sense, seems to therefore be one of modernity, although he does attempt to mitigate his experiences and person with that of his family throughout the book before his escape to Tokyo.

Confucian ideals get thrown into the mix here, especially those bearing on the familial unit (filial piety etc.) being a kind of community building block? They also seem to be the first to crumble in this story at least, considering how the parents here are either absent, unsympathetic and unable to fully understand their children. Only the narrator is shown to negotiate with the expectations of his parents as a good son. Sensei didn’t have the opportunity; neither was it a concern of K in light of his pursuit to Enlightenment.

The modern individual, now moving away from the familial obligatory unit, seemed to be the new emphasis in a culture which was more community driven. We considered the (false but interesting) dichotomy of the Individual and Community and whether or not theories of collective individualism as posited by folks like Raymond Williams could be applied/was relevant to such a context. Here are my thoughts on the subject, especially for Williams (since I did the presentation on him lol):

Williams was concerned with solidarity as the model for collective individualism and advancing the community’s consciousness to engage with the ever-changing times. This means respecting the individual and his specialised skill, and allowing for different ideas to a certain extent, so that the system is updated and does not go stale/remain status quo. He was also addressing for such a solidarity with regards to culture, I believe, and so was concerned that the modernization of media and communications contributed to that elevating culture. I think Williams idea of the structure of service (ie the class hierarchy where everyone is reduced to their function and the status quo is upheld) may kind of resemble the traditional Japanese/Confucian ideals of roles and obligations according to the family unit (sorry, I keep coming back to the family as if it encapsulates all of Japanese and Confucian mores. It doesn’t, but that’s all we talked about today so. Pretty sure this can be applied to the other tenets of the Japanese/Confucian cultures tho). The social hierarchy of the Japanese/Confucian culture also consists of certain roles and obligations assigned accordingly. “Social mobility” occurs through the whole marriage and baby thing, I assume, but in general, this is the system which is maintained. This is the consistent status quo. It feels like a bit of a parallel to me, although Williams’ class hierarchy and Kokoro’s family hierarchy play on social structures in very different senses of the word.

Where I feel Williams’ essay “cannot” be applied to the text is in how this collective individualism he posits is for the common purpose of advancing community consciousness. He articulates this as the clear common goal of a good community and culture and with that singular goal in mind, the model of solidarity would act as the most effective vehicle to attain it. However, in Kokoro, I consider the whole change of culture and the embracing of Western education/values/mindsets as an alternative, new way of thinking which confronts the Japanese tradition and the meaning/mores behind it. The introduction of a new Western/modern mindset brings about that self-awareness (?) upon the otherwise default Japanese way of doing things, and that distills the different cultures and perspectives down to contrasting values/priorities.With an alternative mindset number 2, there is a new goal for collective individualism – to modernise the country against any foreign threat (perhaps something quite similar to Williams in safeguarding the future). Comparatively, the goal of traditional Japanese communal identity was one that propagated the “right”, “correct” way of doing life according to Japanese values. So now there are two very different potential goals for the community to work towards, and I think that is what complicates the transition and the tensions of traditional/modern, as well as the means of getting there (individual/community). It is not even about the means of whether the individual/community/collective individualism is the “best” way of getting somewhere, it’s more like a “where are we heading towards now?” What does it all stand for? And again, is there a way of “modernity” that retains traditional Japanese values/not explicitly Western? Kokoro itself seems to represent the modern quite negatively in that subtle way, through that mode of selfish individualism, the manipulation, the abandoning of kin. It is arguable that characters like old Ojosan (Sensei’s wife) are modern as well, although less credited for it, and they manage fine/more “morally” (?) in their circumstances. It’s just perhaps a tad overlooked and difficult to analyse because of all the writers’ misogynistic lens and just the whole vibe of women aren’t as intelligent/somehow sentient than the men. But yes, are there no redeeming features of this modernity and individualism? Hmm. Kind of wished there was a bit of representation there (haha such a diva consumer ungh).

Stuff that was mentioned in class that I liked/found interesting:

  • In response to Sensei’s bromance with K as one that was more “passionate” and committed than with Ojosan, the idea that it was probably less about the Greeky kind of intellectual homo attraction (again similar wrt the premise of women knowing nothing) and more about the idea of an intellectual friendship and brotherhood embodied in Confucian ideals.
  • That there was no model/template/predecessor wrt BGR in 1912 and that all this opposite sex interaction took a lot more guesswork than what we do now (which is saying something, given the amount of guesswork we still do). They were truly clueless about women and about romance and nothing prepared them for any of this.
  • We can’t have self-awareness without the foreknowledge of some things. Everyone was self-conscious, but they were only self-aware to a limited extent because they had so little to go on. I think it’s the kind of thing you can only gain with experience and hindsight and a lot of trial and error. Self-awareness is thus the mark of the modern man. The previous generations may not have as much self-awareness as the current generations in that sense (they just went about life) because there were some ideas that hadn’t been thought of.
  • That the “rights of Man” which we so hold as an indisputable, evident truths (cues Declaration of Independence) were most definitely not evident in the 18th century. No peasant or commoner then would ever think such a thing and demand his rights from the lords and rulers. So if “self-evident” truths take a while to be self-evident, well it gives us something to think about.

I’m going to backtrack a little to K again. So throughout the lesson, the Prof was going on about how a lot of his religious and ascetic dedication would be lost on us/difficult to understand, I guess especially in referring to how K’s feelings for Ojosan clash with his super Buddhist beliefs and his ultimate suicide (which hints at being an honor suicide alongside General Nogi’s), and he kept saying that it’s hard for us to get it in our modern secular minds where a lot of the local Buddhism we might be exposed to is one that is more folklorean and ritualistic rather than one which affects the practical living of life. For K, there is no dualism between his religious beliefs and his practical lived life; they are one thing, and each affects the other.

And you know what, K is literally the most relatable figure for me in the book. At first, I identified more with the clueless narrator who just graduated and was pressured into finding a job to bring honor to the family lolol the Asian narrative is strong. Then I identified with young Sensei who was clueless about the state of his inheritance in his naivety and was cheated out of it. But at the end of the day, I see too much of myself in K and it’s not the prettiest picture, but I also feel that K maintained his integrity to the last, which atm is more than I can say for myself. The theology which causes him to be so torn is beside the point. The point is, when it comes to it in this irreconcilable fashion, he goes with his faith, to the extent of death. In Western, “secular” senses, maybe it’s crazy, but it’s not that far off in the Asian pugilistic codes of honor and discipline. In fact, I think there’s a measure of that in the Western church as well, just that perhaps it was older. So obviously K’s worldview is vastly different from the modern one, but the traditional worldview isn’t dead or passive, to be mauled by modernity’s secularism. Or at least, I’m of the opinion that it shouldn’t be if their keepers rigorously revise and maintain these values in modern forms. Isn’t that where the different creeds of elders worked to refine theology and Protestants challenge the overarching traditionalistic cast of Christianity through examination of Scripture and reflection/observation from real life? Ok, probably going off tangent a little. My point is, religion/tradition is also quite a large narrative that K somehow fails to use to reconcile/engage with real life and the onslaught of modernity. (Then again, he doesn’t even seem to use it well regardless of modernity oops) He embodies perhaps one way of practicing/representing traditional culture, and a very extreme one to the extent that Sensei feels that he has to make him more human.

At the end of the day, it was K’s legalism which resonated with me. I can see so much of myself in K, and when he falls in love with Ojosan and confesses that to Sensei, that is truly his most vulnerable point and Sensei twisted the blade into him by using his own meaning in life (his faith) against him. All I can say is, there are definitely points in my life where I’ve been vulnerable to people in this way and being the sometimes legalistic-inclined, holier-than-thou person that I am, the comfort and reassurances from my fellow pilgrims is truly Godsent, and I can only imagine the damnation K must feel when Sensei used his theology against him. K wouldn’t even be mad at Sensei; he would be too busy hating himself. And so for all of K’s legalism and yes his holier-than-thou vibes which he was radiating with in full force to Sensei as well, he was still that much admirable in retaining his integrity as far as possible to his knowledge, while Sensei realises that he is just like the damned Uncle who cheated him of everything and compromised his own integrity. Sensei also emitted holier-than-thou vibes, believing that what he does for K in trying to make him more human and in giving in to K during their conversations is him being the bigger and more mature person. There’s a tragedy there for Sensei somehow. And I’m sad because I resonate with that compromising of integrity too. Isn’t it sad how I seem to resonate with all the bad parts of the characters lol.

I really liked this book. The guilt that Sensei cannot escape is also just a reminder of how much we all need Jesus.

The end.

(Disclaimer – I am by no means any kind of expert on Japanese culture and tradition, Buddhism or Confucianism. Definitely no intentions to discredit any body of belief but if I have misrepresented anything, please let me know and I’ll correct it! Thanks!)

Is it slightly narcissistic to have a disclaimer as though I have a readership at all and that people take me seriously? hmmm. Ah wells.


Okay, I have written. I hope it wasn’t boring but I’m just glad I got out a hopefully coherent body of words.

In other less brainy news, I bought three new Pusheen shirts! which are all for home wear and so cannot be applied to CNY which is sad but YAY PUSHEEN.

All this was also articulated with my new baby blue typewritery keyboard. I don’t even register the typing noise it makes (it is quite loud) but everyone else who goes past my room complains that I’m so noisy and I sound really hardworking. Which is not a bad thing. It’s so nice and bouncey wheeee.

I also did my hair. This is obviously important.

Ok I feel better. Byeee.

Recollecting Myself

Jam’s birthday was in October and she wrote two things in that time:

  • a short 3-pager on struggling to make a brave decision and obey God’s leading, and
  • a 5 minute birthday testimony to share with the 70 odd youths over a zoom service where she had to hint around the relationship that didn’t work out with someone else from church (ohh church relationships are very tricky indeed), but how God remained faithful to her despite everything.

They were very encouraging and heartfelt and I’m quite inspired by the articulation of self in words once again. Although I don’t have the weight of delivering a testimony of any sort in the same way as Jam did, I kind of want to recollect myself, for myself. In any case, I scarce have a testimony at the moment. The work-in-progressness of things remains thus.

I’ve been taking more backward glances into the mirror that I have turned away from. I want to write down what I see.

I have been dulled. I feel it in my spirit and there is no going around it. I compare myself (if that’s ever possible) to my younger self, my 23 year old self, for example. And all I can feel is, I have been dulled. My spirit no longer rejoices or burns for the things of God, for God himself so brightly or passionately or joyfully as it used to. It is no longer so alive, so sensitive, so troubled by sin (which even then, I used to be so dull about). I’m no longer even as bothered that I am in this place as I might have been before. Yet now, I’m writing it down to set it in front of me, to see this clearly, to acknowledge it, really, and do something about it.

Now what?

It’s funny because as I come to this realisation, Jam sent me a prayer she came across on Instagram along the lines of “God, don’t let me be comfortable at this distance from you. Don’t ever let me be comfortable or unbothered being this far from you”. We can drift and fall behind here and there, but dear God, let us never be okay with that.

It’s like God knows. Wew.

I’m pretty sure this didn’t happen overnight. I’m pretty sure I know how this happened and how I wasn’t committed enough to redirect myself uprightly. I’m trying not to blame others around me though I feel, objectively, it had some bearing on dulling me. Psalm 1 warned me enough so it’s nothing new that I’m calling out.

I dulled because I turned away from the mirror because I didn’t like what I saw it calling me out on. Rinse and repeat.


In this season, I really did try to love people more, in the sense of not just loving people who agreed with me or I felt gratified to interact with, but people who were different from me, whose world I may not fully understand, to love before I judged and avoided. To love.

But maybe it could only go so far because I was trying to love as God loved, with my head, rather than loving as God loved, from a heart that has received and fully accepts the vast, crazy love that God himself has lavished upon me. The heart that has experienced the depth of sin overwhelmed by the depth of God’s love can love better than any head.

Loving others isn’t wrong. But there wasn’t enough God to anchor me. And loving people without God, going around them and what they understood as love, I think it dulled me.


Today, I saw someone in church who triggers a lot of impatience in me. I don’t know him very well or personally, but he triggers me because he and his group of friends live life godlessly and I don’t mean that judgementally, I just mean that they live just like that, without god. I get angry sometimes because in short, I feel like they are trampling on God’s grace, on the free gift of his broken body, knowing the truth yet living as they do. It’s a very spit-in-the-face imagery I get, flipping the bird. But it’s also weird to be in church standing before God and brooding over your brother whom God also created and loves deeply, so I mused to God, dear God, how can I love this person who I feel treats you like a joke honestly etc. etc.

And of course, in God’s loving graciousness and gentleness, he prodded me to remember (nothing new, once again really) that everyone’s levelled before the cross. No one is more or less sinful than the next person before that cross; we are all the same, sinners in need of saving. That applies to me too. If you think that only he mocks me, remember that when I was carrying the cross, you were among the mockers too. Are you jealous that I’m generous in my love? Are you grumbling because the workers I hired in the last hour and the first hour are paid the same wage? What gives me the right to gate-keep God’s love (and subsequently my love) from certain individuals? Am I sifting out those who are considered worthy to come to God and those who are not? (lol yes oops)

And then, if I’m gatekeeping my brother from being here, it is because that human fleshly double standard part of me has also gate-kept his love from myself. I’ve stopped myself from receiving what was meant to be undeserved. I have disqualified myself from accepting what was meant to be a gift.

Revelation. But also again, yes again.

Not that I didn’t know that. I haven’t been seeking or resting in God’s love. Because I have not yet repented to rest in God’s love. In sin, God’s love looks too good to be true, a scary spotlight that brings out that which you don’t want to see or deal with. Yet, in receiving it, unmerited, truly undeserved pardon, and welcome and light, such that we may not be weighed down but encouraged to pursue good.

Reminders on gatekeeping. We aren’t suppose to be clean enough to approach the throne, but humbled to see our needs that much clearly and to receive that which is free. The stewardship comes after, not before. After.


Superbly grateful for the friends, absolute saints, who bring out the spirit in me which delights in God. I want to be that person all the time, intrinsically, and I think being around people who want the same and bring that out in each other will slowly just start to make that second nature. I just really like that.

I used to be more intentional with myself, with others. I’d like to say I used to be more loving but I don’t think I was ever really good at it.

Just convicted to. Pray. Pray for others instead of grumbling against them. Pray pray pray.

Things to Work On

Because my lazy potato-ey mess of a person can’t remain thus. Terribs.

  1. Be Disciplined [Physical Health]
    • Sleeping Early
      Circa 11.30pm in bed, hopefully brains off by 12

      Night Routine:
      > All Zoom calls off by 10.45pm
      > Log off by 11pm
      > QT – Read/Journal/Pray [30 mins]
    • Waking up Early
      Circa 8 – 8.30am
      Clocked in at least 8 hours of sleep!

      Morning Routine:
      > Set alarm at 7.45am , maximum 1 snooze
      > Breakfast in 30mins, no phone (How to combat breakfast boredom? Hmmmmmmm)
      > QT – Read/Journal/Pray [30 mins]
      > Start Work!
    • Exercise Weekly
      Consistent timing

      > Swim x1 in the evening (8.30pm)
      > Weight workout OR Arms workout x1 (5pm)

      Total minimum workout count: x2/week
  2. Get my head sorted about:
    • Worship/Music Ministry
      > Talk to M (Oct) and S (Nov)
      > Cultivate Personal Worship
      Reading + practicing again/ 30 Mins each, after lunch
  3. Get my work in order
    Read readings, think about readings for class, think about thesis, write!
    • After reading assigned texts, summarize/notate and think of interesting points/themes/questions. Come prepared! and appear intelligent
    • Block out time for thinking (assignments and essays-wise)
    • Push social events to the weekends as far as possible. Finish work within the week
  4. Misc – Money Matters
    Track expenses more intentionally
    Get an app; know where the money goes.

TLDR:

Take care of your body
Read more beyond school
Journal, pray, memorise Scripture
Worship

2021 New Year Resolutions 3 months in advance trial period.
Forward thinking.

Witnessed by: @nomziesnibblets 🙂
Review on: 5 November 2020

Dribbles

Dribbling again because not coherent enough to not be a baby about everything.

I think I’m getting quite lazy to put my thoughts into structured pieces that can convey ideas. And then I use fragments and streams of consciousness to just spew. All in the name of the aesthetic. Can I have points for honesty anyway.

I will try harder. Maybe not today. Lol procrastinates. But I will try.

Literature is losing a sheen on me and I think it’s mutual.

Generally being a bit disillusioned that the philosophers and thinkers and theorists that academics and intellectuals esteem are just…thus. For all of humanity’s genius and intellect, this is the best we can come up with? This is their explanation for the Human Condition?

So many blindspots. So many gaps and places and possible explanations that our great thinkers are not considering.

They do sound impressive. They are interesting. They point out a lot of flaws and problems and aspects of this multi-faceted, complex human condition. I do identify. They can perceive the wrongness of things, because we all are humans and we know it in our bones, reflecting and conversing long enough.

It’s just augh because they just stop short of considering a bit more widely, where they don’t want to go. They circumnavigate some essential aspects of human-hood in posing the problem and in constructing perspectives. How are you going to get a well-considered, meaningful dialogue if you don’t want to recognise humanity in all its “parts”?

I think I’m also frustrated because, without recognising the value of certain aspects, there is so little to go on. Intellectual discourse can only swirl at the bottom of the tea cup in the dregs. Can we please get some freshly boiled hot water in here for the tea

It’s not that these conversations and papers are not valuable. They are, at a certain level. There is a place for these thoughts, at level one and two of understanding and perceiving and re-writing. But it never reaches level 3 of transferring it across and enacting change. And if we are going to stop short of that, what is it forr? It’s not enough.

I guess, very unlikely for me, this dialogue feels a little -.- because it’s just a mite too theoretical. 🙄 (Wow, I have become practical.) I think it’s just the idea of “Oh wow, this sounds so enlightened over zoom but how about you try to use this to inform all other aspects of lived life?” I’d like to see that, smarty-pants.

Ok, sorry, salty. And it’s not as if I’m brilliant either. Let me just sigh at our collective human wisdom which is only comparable to the foolishness of God.

I just feel that theorists don’t remember/consider that if it’s going to be a theory/paradigm, it has to work/make sense across all aspects of humanity. If it were just to work for one category, it’s not distilled enough to address humanity. It will just be two-dimensional and conflated and not as valuable as it sounds. If it can only answer one aspect but you bring it across elsewhere and it problematises another, that’s not good enough. The theories have to inform education, parenthood, society, everything.

So intentionally circumnavigating a grand narrative ah. 😒 smh.

Also, Theory B criticising Theory A means Theory B has to present a better, more convincing way for filling the gaps that Theory A filled and so was probably not competent in one out of 3 aspects (which is precisely the one Theory B chooses to re-write).

If you can’t, you’re not helping, Theory B.

But also, I know that my idea of category varies from theorist to theorist. How do we want to cut the cake? We aren’t very good at being consistent about how to decide which are the most constructive ways of cutting. Because also we don’t know which direction is constructive anymore.

Honestly, what’s the point of stirring the cup and trying to keep the leaves afloat when there is little/no water. where is the progress. how fulfilling am I suppose to feel in such conversation.

Ok, I’ve started self-censoring because idk I might have offended someone by now and my pacifist overthinking glob is a bit scattered.

Maybe I sound like I know what I’m talking about. But also, if we are just going to circle around what’s important instead of taking it by the horns, I don’t have much to say?

And I feel a bit apologetic about that, that I don’t have much to contribute.

What is my place in this discourse ungh

 

Yes, if truth is not undergirded by love, it makes the possessor of that truth obnoxious and the truth repulsive.

Ravi Zacharias

Also just painfully aware that my place is not to make the truth obnoxious lolol.

Tell all the truth but tell it slant —
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth’s superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind —

Emily Dickinson

This is going to be a theme.

Patience.

 

This is not important/Index

Just a stump.

It was a chockfull week of conferences and online courses and I’m bushed but also living for that learning life.

I just wanted to say. That.

In what constitutes much of my life now with regards to the messy real life-ness of ministry/prepping for youth group lessons and keeping in touch with friends and family, 24/7 overthinking about and worrying too much and regretting everything, I rediscovered and revelled in that part of myself of holing up and taking miscellaneous courses. And I just love that part of myself. I just want to say that. 

And I don’t mean to boast about that. I just really thank the Lord that when an online course starts, and someone with something to say starts talking, I’m just riveted and wholly absorbed, taking notes, and that feeling of “eating” something substantial, to which I can further personally masticate in my own time, that feeling is great. I mean, it does worry me (like, has my mind not been eating enough? hmm) but I’m counting my blessings. And they make me productive. There’s so much to learnnn aaahhhh.

I think. I haven’t been thinking about some things for a while. So let me think. I think. That I have shut off thinking about some things seriously, have stopped trying out of the tiredness and potential hurt and new regrets and so on etc. So that part of me just stopped a little. Starts and stops. Sputters. So maybe being intellectually stimulated now becomes a rush to make up for whatever it is that’s not happening anymore in that other bit of me. Maybe.

And here, I also am very thankful for the mind as a part of the body and the spirit, in being able to listen and hear and think things and dialogue with others that is able to convict me and move me in my spirit, in stirring up and challenging me to think about the things I’d shut off and not want to think about.

I just think we are really amazing, complex human beings and really amazingly made. kabooosh

***

For myself/if you were interested, the diet last week:

  • MediaBranding – Completed, 2 days, 8 hours each, sponsored
    • It was reflective in crafting the internal hero’s story, then learning how to manipulate social media algorithms for better publicity (this part was actually very “oh wow I did not know that veryy cunning”)
    • 8 hours on the screen for 2 days in a row was tough
    • first class with other older adults. Comprehension skills across the board was lacking. But also applauds for older folks attempting to re-invent themselves
    • Feels that the dude was hitting on that one participant but ok
  • Hillsong College Online Introduction to the New Testament – In Progress, finished Week 2, 4 weeks to go, free
    • Absolutely fascinating
    • There is just so much context that needs to be set
    • Did not even realise there was such a thing as intertestamental period
    • Newfound respect for Pharisees. Legit feel that if I were in that time/space/context, I would not necessarily believe that Christ was the Messiah. Because I’m such a stickler for laws and rules. Thank God for the hindsight I’m living in now
    • The Hasmaneon Dynasty could be really good source material for a political period drama. I’d watch it.
  • Theology of the Body – Spammed and completed this weekend, free
    • This was just out of this world. Underrated and much needed for the times we live in now. Really important stuff. Everyone should hear about this I swear.
    • Eyeopening in itself with regards to the Catholic traditions. Truly appreciate everything these scholars do in reading John Paul II. Important theology right here.
    • Finished about 10 courses or so according to the checklist and rather proud about that
  • Engaging Youth Digitally – 1.5 hours, free
    • It is cool to see other non-govt non-religious organisations coming together for the same cause of sharing resources to help youths
    • Super insightful into youth povs and how to engage them in a very technical sense with social media
    • Currently trending: Instagram and TikTok

Currently, in progress:

  • Hillsong’s Intro to the NT (see above)
  • Hinduism Through its Scripture – edX, Finished Day 3, 5 days to go, free
    • The first exploration of religion beyond Christianity and its siblings so incredibly fascinating how there are such similar and different paradigms to this religion
    • Covered the creation of the world, the treatment of women, marriage and karma

***

I have also been religious in catching all the free shows and musicals being released every once in a while but I feel like those deserve a separate index. If I’m diligent, maybe it will happen.

Therapy Type

I feel like I haven’t been growing. And it alarms me.

What makes me grow?

I’ve hit a slump. I don’t know how deep it goes, really, how far back, how it happened.

But I’m in it. Still. Again.

Not loving enough. Still. Again.

I’m trying to keep occupied. And I am. And I’m thankful for the time. I’m glad. If only a little distracted at the 101 courses I’ve signed up for (I want to learn everythinggg!).

I feel like I’ve lost something, of myself. Or if I never had it, it’s showing the more I keep in my own company. I suspect. that. I have stopped being good company for myself.

I need more good company. My own wave lengths seem to have stopped being as self-sustaining as it should be, on that very basic level. (And I do have good company, God bless my friends <3)

I need to know what to think, how to think, how to think better.

Is think the right word? Is that what I really need? Hmm.

I feel like I’ve lost something of myself. My older self would have tried to cross analyse everything, roots and stems, to find the cause, and weedkiller it on the spot. But whatever I am now doesn’t anymore because, because… maybe I’m more into blame games than weedkillers. And maybe I just don’t have the moral courage to mortify whatever I find.

That’s the other thing. My older self would be all about pruning. I still am. By and large. But I also have lost too much to know how to prune myself.

Does that make sense?

A lot of uprooting. Still a lot of pruning, just not by my own hand, and much more than I anticipated.

A friend said that I reminded her of an Eeyore and I felt mildly miffed because the general impression I give people was never really Eeyore. In fact, I thought, anything but. She corrects herself and says I’m a “redeemed” Eeyore. I don’t know about redeemed, but I can definitely see the Eeyore-ness right about today.

eeyore-007
hahaha this just made me laugh

eeyore-vector-10
Daww he’s quite cute. is this redeemed Eeyore

eeyore-transparent-images-png
Ok I changed my mind about not liking Eeyore, he looks extremely pillowy to cuddle

Ok, looking for Eeyore pictures made me feel better. Hahahaha.

I also feel I should be more grown up (see above). I still think like a child, and reason like a child, a very petulant one at that. I’ve really not been helping myself for a while.

These are the problems I have with me:

  1. I still think I’m way too much of a people pleaser but it also conflates with how I don’t think I know better so I need that affirmation from the next person. I think the affirmation thing is ok in most contexts. I just think I need it too much at the moment. Where is the sense of self
  2. I’m so breakable and it annoys me. When I was younger, it comes out in the form of crying when getting scolded and shebangs like that. I don’t know where that fear comes from (is it the loud raising of voice, or the fierceness or? and some kids aren’t affected by it at all. how)? Now I’m older and I’m still that kind of scared, brittle. And I can’t/don’t expect the world to cushion for me. I wish I could care less, have a tougher skin and harder heart in that sense. I don’t know where I can get some of that nerve (I’m still hoping it boils down to practice because although difficult, at least it can be gotten?) but I would greatly appreciate it.
  3. Did I mention that I’m not growing? It’s showingggg.
  4. Not loving enough but you already knew that.
  5. Child. Ahh foolish child.

If I weren’t in this position, I would be even more backwards in loving than I already am. So I guess it’s good that I’m here.

I just feel a bit mismatched. And just not yet enough.

I’m not A or B or C or D. I just feel like they would have fit better. But also, maybe that’s why I’m here, to become more like ABCD.

(Last thing I swear) I gotta stop doing, like stop having my walk fuelled by ministries, and just be someone who is actually in love with Christ and being more transformed into his image. I feel like a lot of my relationship has been about ministry, on the basis of ministry. Losted a bit of the “this is my God, though” ness of it all.

Ok I have started to whine. I shall stop.

This was therapeutic (if it were TMI), but what’s better is that I have brought these slips of desperation before the Lord and I’m going to write that stuff down. Cos actually that’s also what’s most important.

I heard something this week which speaks now:

Peace is no peace if it doesn’t exist in the storms.

If there’s peace in good times, it’s not really peace. It’s just a natural reaction to good times. It’s only peace when it remains in the storms, despite the circumstances.

I forgot how to link this.

But also, none of this is new. I just reviewed my past posts and writings. I see themes.

If knowing and feeling such hurts only draw you closer in understanding the heart of the Man of sorrows, then yes, you are growing. And yes, it hurts. But that’s cos love be like that. (God’s impressions in my own words)

Learn to give and love until it hurts. Until now you have only been giving in your human strength. You can only give more if you give from me. 

I am the God who saves. And that means I will save you too. 

Receive from me for yourself first. (Yes, I have noticed that the poverty has driven me to apply the words I receive for myself, and not just “I need to forward this to my youth” lol) 

You consult so many people for direction and affirmation. Ask me first.

I’m almost sure none of that is new. Please get the memo already.

###

oaf

This is stupid. You are stupid. stooopiddddd

No, you are not. No, I am not.

Though I am going off my rocker, a little, undoubtedly.

Who wouldn’t. Who wouldn’t really. It’s not me, is it?

How now how now, in the four corners of my mind, bounding around with nowhere to go, no way out.

What have I been taught? What do I believe? Still believe? Ever believed?

Do I dare. Do I dare.

It is only a matter of time before… you know what. You can’t wait. You don’t know how it’ll happen, when or where.

But you know the why. Isn’t that enough?

You have so much to say. Have you prepared your script?

Do I still need one? It’s been seared into my bones, intertwined in every breath, every double-faced word.

But yes, you’d better prepare one anyway. Your heart might get in the way of things you know.

You should know. That’s how you ended up here in the first place.

Damn the heart. Damn feelings. Dash it all.

Fool fool fool fool fool fool loof loof loof loaf loaf oaf oaf oaf oaf oaf oaf oaf oaf

good night

Consequences

Paying for the consequences of some past crime. Still for paying it now.

Although the crime now seems to be my own stupidity, my own lack of discretion, my folly. I’m just not really smart for this game of life.

(Random relates to Jean Valjean)

On the one hand, am heartened at improvement, want to let loose, really want to enjoy it all for once. For once.

On the other hand, the improvement means we’re still not there yet, we are still falling short, we cannot answer to the people around us.

How many wrongs make a right. Who makes the wrong, who makes the right.

A thing with no name cannot be addressed. Cannot be justified. Cannot be rectified.

Making things up as they go along is tres difficult. Tres.

How do I bear this now. What can I say. What can I say.

Used to think that people pleasing, if for the right people, isn’t a bad thing. Like how good peer pressure is good.

But really, maybe I’m just scared of doing it wrong. Who doesn’t.

I have to do the scary thing now to think for myself, shoulder some things for myself, even if they cannot be said or justified.

I can be blameless before God but He needs to help present me as blameless before Man.

I’m just not very smart.

Dribbles

Backlog of thoughts from forever. Life and God and dystopia literary thought train smashing through.

I think humans are incapable of fairness. There are just too many roles, too many hats a single individual has to put on to be able to see the whole picture fairly and act/react in “fairness”, of which is elusive because being fair and loyal to one role renegades on the duties of another role. But it’s still you, a single entity, underneath so many hats. Which hat do you choose? Which hat fits best, or better? Can you take one off for 5 minutes to make another fit better for a while? Can you pick it back up once you lay it down? If you wear one hat for too long, does it become part of you rather than a label you can put on and off?

I was just leafing through a graphic novel of Anne Frank’s diary (never made it through the book book itself whoops) and it was mind-blowing how this young adolescent girl trying to survive a war has such complex thoughts about her identity and her relationships in her day-to-day life, thoughts that any child growing up would struggle with in this day and age, except that she has to confine it to the pages of her diary.

(Not much has changed there I guess.)

Just reading about her and how she feels about her mother/how she should feel about her mother as a mother and as a person and as a daughter. Because mother isn’t perfect and neither is she. And there will never be a measure of fairness where so much imperfection is concerned.

What is fair for me to do now? What if what is fair to me wounds you? And what if what is fair to you wounds me? How will I know what is fair to do if I’m involved? And if I don’t know what is fair, then what measure is left for me chart my next course of action?

*boop*

What you know and experience of God, the same God, my God, is so so different from mine.

It does make me wonder. It does.

It makes me wonder and marvel at how vast and completely huge God must be, to be able to meet the deepest, most nuanced, most unique needs and flaws and characters of every single person who has ever lived. And Him meeting someone else’s need may look different to how He meets my need. Same God, same unchanging love and wisdom, different methods of loving so many people (who are also different in their problems but fundamentally broken in the same way inside).

But also.

How much of You have I made up? How many rules and assumptions of You have I projected for myself? Which bits are really really You, non-negotiably You? Which bits are of my own making? How much, really, do I know You?

Cri.

*beep*

Just strolling through Kino and looking at the variety of books and feeling that not one of them is new. They are trying to be, they really are, with notions of the dystopian everywhere, trying to be original, putting forth the idea of a new and worse off normalcy from our current point of “heavenly” utopia (that’s the idea, isn’t it? That our reality is a utopia to the smaller, narrower, fictional dystopia).

But all these texts react to the same reality, the same utopia, and flow from the same stream. They are all part of the same dystopia that they cannot see past or break out of to create something new. Cues Susan Glaspell’s The Verge. 

Is this reality and this world just a mish mash of humanistic, feel-good, sound-wise typo sayings? Is this the dystopia of our reality? As if all these maxims would guarantee us something if we live by them religiously. The dystopia of the self-made man. How tiring. Man is so limited by nature.

*bap*

I seem to have reached a wall. I thought there were more than this. Oh yes.

*bap*

I think I have to start looking forward. I can’t keep looking back at mountain tops, at who I used to be, and how things were great. That is past. That was good and there was a time and place for it but there is also a time and place for me here, now. And it’s ok.

I just kind of wish I knew what was up, where up was, so that I could struggle for it.

If I knew, would I really struggle for it though? hmm.

*burp*

may be continued we shall see

 

mirror mirror

I think the one sore spot I have in the multitude of benefits I experience when I hang around an absolutely kindred, strong, godly, excellent person is how I am not like this person in so. many. AREAS.

Is it conviction? That I find myself looking at myself through someone else’s eyes, someone who is so much more than me, and seeing how short I fall. Seeing how much more I have to go. Suddenly catching shortfalls that I’d never noticed before.

I think what I really don’t like is having something slip, some littlest quirk that just happens in the spur of the moment that shows so much of the broken, ugly work-in-progress person inside. And being double conscious ie looking at it through said person’s eyes and constructing that image of me.

And it’s so strange because I never saw those things. It’s only hanging around someone more than you, someone who has a certain expectations of you and acts that way, that you notice how you don’t meet those expectations. Which might surprise/shock/disappoint said person. Which sucks.

Is that why God is someone so worthy of admiration and yet so frightening to the sinner? God, who is so perfect and good and loving and who is such goals, that you can’t help being drawn to Him, wanting to know Him, wanting to become like Christ, just because you’re in His presence and it’s so good, like a really edifying friendship. But also being frightened to be in His presence because He is so perfect and you’re just suddenly aware of how trash you are and how far you are from Him who is so holy. Just being in that pure light when you’re still lacking and sinful. Is that why Adam and Eve hid when their eyes were opened after eating that forbidden fruit?

I get that I’m a work-in-progress, and that means time, and experience, and the small everyday choices which culminate into a big character trait thing. I think I’ve been in this place too many times to count. But it’s only lately that I’ve been reminded that maybe I’ve been looking at the wrong thing, which only contributes to spiralling downward.

There’s no use looking at myself and only looking at myself. My flesh is weak, there’s no two-ways getting around that. There’s only so much I can do. There’s little use in looking at other people and then back at myself and being depressed about it. I gotta go directly to the one who changes the heart, the character, from the inside out. And I gotta look at myself through God’s eyes. Not that I’m simply a sinner but a sinner saved by grace and is trying by grace.

Just that looking up is less easy and more counterintuitive than it sounds dlkjnadlkjdnc